BIG problems w/ the future in-laws

I don't even know if this goes here, but it pertains to parents, and this is the only place I go on the forums, anyway.

I have a 7 month old child with a guy named Axyn, for anyone who doesn't already know that.

He's been in rehab for the past nine months, and has recently been coming home for visits.

I was spending some time with him at his parents house last night. His parents have a big brand new 1/4 million dollar house and we were walking around, checking it out. We were in one of the bedrooms and he was telling me about how at the rehab place, they never turn the lights off. He always has to sleep with the lights on and they stay on ALL THE TIME. He said he kinda misses the dark. This was totally innocent, he wasn't trying to "put the moves on me". We were just talking. So I turned the lights off and we just stood there for awhile and he was hugging me, with our little baby. We were all just standing in this room, in the dark, hugging.

Then his dad walks in and says something about not being in the room with the lights off and I tried to explain to him that Axyn never gets to be in the dark, but before he would listen to me, he said "You don't play those games here"

"We weren't playing any games" I said.

"Don't back-talk me! It's a house rule." he said, like I was a child or something!

Axyn said that was his dad's way of trying to be nice. (He has a very violent history with his wife and Axyn)

And I didn't say anything after that. I couldn't. I just cried. Such ugliness for no good reason and I'm SO sensitive to it. I just held my daughter and cried.

And then they insisted on me coming down to eat dinner with them, even though I didn't want to. I should have left. But they had picked me up to come see Axyn and I would have had to call someone to come get me. I should have left anyway.

So I went to dinner, and they said not a word to me.

But what's more is that after dinner we were forbidden to even go upstairs at all! "Don't make me treat you two like children," his mother said. And that really pissed me off. They really thought that we were going to go upstairs and try to have sex in their house!!!

But I stayed, and I didn't say a word, and I let his mother drive me back home.

These people have previously forbidden Axyn and I to have any contact with each other and made me get a paternity test for our child, which made us very upset with them and I told them I didn't want to have anything to do with them. They recently told Axyn that they wanted to "try to make things better" with me.

But I've realized that they don't really care to befriend me, they want to do just enough to keep Axyn in their lives. I don't believe they care about me or even the baby.

The next time Axyn comes home to visit I'll go over there on my own terms with a friend of mine and we can just sit outside on the porch.

Axyn says his parents want to help us out with a lot of stuff and a job and money, but I don't even care. I shouldn't have to put up with this kind of bullshit just because they want to give us a nice life. I can make my own nice life.

UUUGGGHHH!!!!

 

Ugh. I'm so sorry. That totally sucks. Is he only allowed to come "home" for a visit? Can you meet him at McDonald's or something? I couldn't handle all that negativity.

 

whatever you do, do NOT accept large gifts or sums of money from these people. Then they will hold it over your head forever. sounds like they have some major control issues, and I'd seriously limit the amount of time my baby spends around them. Listen to your heart, don't do anything that goes against that instinct inside you. In my life, whenever I allow people to talk me into things I know better, that's when bad things happen to me. (((((hugs)))))

 

All that matters is that you love Axyn and he loves you, and you both love Abryn. MILs or FILs will ALWAYS have an opinion on his or her husband or wife. Just be there for Axyn and let him know you still want him in your life and nothing will come between the two of you.
As for them giving you a good life....don't take it. Like mamaboogie said, they'll always have that to hold over your head for the rest of their lives.

 

Yea, you will never live it down if you take their money. You should tell them the exact thing you said here. You are not a child and they have no say in what you do. If they don't want you at their house, I would say oh well. Just get your man to meet you elsewhere. You could get a jump up in life with the money but you will give up freedom and respect. There is nothing worse then parents who think that you couldn't have made it without them.

 

I agree with all the other parents here, too. DO NOT take money from them. DO NOT live with them. DO NOT let them give you "free" babysitting, for ANY reason. LIke everyone else said, it will be held over your heads. They are treating both of you like children, and you are parents, and need to SHOW them you are not children, and can make it on your own.

Even if you have to borrow money to get going, don't do it from them. It cannot end well.

When is your man coming home? Do the two of you have a plan for the future, as far as where you will live, whether there will be a legal marraige or just living together or apart? I can't imagine he will be much longer before you will have to make a living arrangement decision.

Hon, you are an adult. You love your baby. You can be strong and get through this. They don't own you, or your baby. If your boyfriend can't break away from them, decisions will have to be made.

You'll be OK, either way, though. Just don't let these people own you. You're strong, mama.

RIGHT! You do what you know is right, honey. Otherwise, you will be fighting them the rest of your life, and you and the baby don't need that.

 

I understand what you are going through. My wifes parents don't like me either. They are against all my ideas, beliefs and thoughts. They don't like the way I am raising my child or anything else. They try to put bad thoughts in my wifes head, accuse me of doing drugs, and generally just treat me like I'm an idiot. Her family are military, all american, kill everyone and everything, destroy the land people. They have gone so far as to suggest that if anything "were to happen between us" that she and Skye would have a place to stay. Her step mom accused me of being a meth head and a bunch of other shit. I admit, I smoke pot once in a great while, and only at night after my son is asleep when I do, but I don't touch anything else. Hell, I don't even drink. Anyhow, I figured if they are saying all this to my wife, then I can just imagine what they say in front of my son. We decided that they don't get to be alone with Skye, I will not let them turn my family against me! It really sucks that they are the landlords for the house we live in. I am strongly considering not renewing the lease. I still got like 7 months on it though. I am ready to get out of this area anyway.

 

Axyn has to go home for his homepasses, so I'm forced to go over there if I want to see him. He always has to be somewhere in the vacinity of his parents.

but he gets out for good on January 12th! so it won't be too long before we don't really have to deal with his parents if we don't want to.

I've decided it would be best for me to continue living in my apartment without him while he gets his life together and then in July we're planning on getting married and then we'll both start out living in a trailer together, one that he'll get and keep up until I move in.

Until then, I think it would be best if I just go try to talk to them on his next homepass and if that doesn't work out I guess I'll have to just not see Axyn when he comes to vist, which sucks, but thats just the way it has to go, I think.

 

also, Axyn's 18 now, 19 in February.

he gets a homepass tomorrow and I don't know how things will go. But this time I'm going to ask a friend to take me over there and I don't think we'll even go inside. I don't feel welcome in their home, so we can just hang out on the front porch, maybe go see the horses.

 

Sorry to hear about this. Sadily, it's a common story...my mom is the same way. Hell, when our car was stolen, she balmed it on us and when she offered to finance a new car (we did this with the car that had been stolen, and paid interst on the loan and had it paid off in 6 months) she drew up a contract and threw things in there about how clean the car and our APARTMENT had to be, the level of insurance we had on our apartment and the car...it went on and on. Needless to say, we told her to forget it. That was the best thing we have ever done.
We have let her help us in the past by accepting furniture that she was planning on taking to the dump and her buying us a kitchen table. Big mistakes. I appreciated it of course, but it's NEVER forgotten.
Sorry to go on about this, I know you already know this...needed to blow off some steam I guess, lol

Sounds like you have you stuff together! Stick with that plan you have, it sounds great! As for his home visits right now...don't make a huge deal about them since there's so little time left. I could understand if there was still a whole bunch of time left in his stay in rehab, but there's really not. So bite your tounge and get through it the best you can. In laws are a pain in the ass sometimes and that's about all you can do if you wanna keep the peace. "Tell them off" by showing that you guys can make it without them and that you are adults, not the kids they treat you like you are.
*hugs*!!!

 

yeah I decided to just not worry about it since he'll be home so soon anyway and then we won't have to really worry about it too much.

He'll be home for Abryn's first Christmas! so I'm pretty stoked about that.

 

Wow, five days. Have a good time.

Felt good, didn't it? Nothing is better than keeping your integrity. Good job, sweetie.