Dealing with finances after your married?

After I got married the dh and I combined evrything money bills anything finacial it is all ours not his and mine and we do not have fight over money shopping or anything else like that. Especially not gifts that one gives the other. My parents are the same way. His parents have evrything seperated ( bills, money, credit cards, income tax, grocery pauchases you get the point) and all they do is fight. Even if the buy each other a gift the fight it is the wrong thing or theyshould of just let the other pick it out themselves. They love to fight in front of the dh and I and with x-mas get together coming up they are bound to start a fight over something when we are there they always do no matter when we visist. Has anyone else had this issue? Do you notice or have more fights keeping the money apart or togeher? This maybe should be under the family threads but it ws more a relationship question. Sorry so long.

 

Maybe they just love to fight? I've never combined my finances with anyone so I don't have much to contribute to the actual topic, it just sounds like your guy's folks like to fight

 

It's not long but your font is awful. Please no more italics.

What does poor communication and buying the wrong gift have ANYTHING to do with keeping separate or merged accounts? This would likely mean that they have issues in communication and understanding in another area of their marriage - the nitpicking of the money is just a symptom of something else.

My parents never combined all their money. They've been together for nearly 40 years. Never any squabbles (about money) as far as I have witnessed. My friends who married this year have told me (girlie chat with the wife) told me frankly that they would never completely merge bank accounts. They're young however.

To me, the question is like pre-nup. Some people are so confident in themselves that they wouldn't get a pre-nup or they would go ahead and merge accounts. Others are a little more pragmatic (not that you aren't). It's too bad that his parents have to argue.

 

You could ge right the find reasons to drum up a fight I am not use to that my parents do not do that they are not perfect but they do not pickfights with each other when people visit regardless of who it is. I have told the dh this year if they start fighting I leave. The fight this year will be over if the ring my mil gave the dil is cubic zurc or real by the way it is real. then it will go into she has to many bills as it is and she owes him for living there. Money can be a big issue.

 

I'm not sure what mil and dil are. Though that's wonderful that you're putting your foot down. Yes, money can be a big issue. But the fights sound so petty that it's likely there's something else really annoying the both of them about their marriage.

Are you seriously telling me that him/her buying the wrong gift for the other person has anything to do with bank accounts? I don't know your situation at all but I'm willing to bet that there's something else that's very wrong in the relationship.

 

Ok I fixed the font. I just like intesting scripts . I guess I was mainly wonder if people thought it caused problems. Because most of the people I know seem have more problems when they seperate money. I just wondered it it was common. I am sure there are people out there that have the best luck with seperating it. Thanks For you input.

 

Sorry Mother-in-lanw and Dad-in-law. Not to good with all the sbreveations on here yet. Still learning anll the short cuts when typing on the forums and chats.
Oh yah all fights especially over gifts go to fights over her money and his money. The can be beautiful gifts and they will rip each other apart over it.

They are very strange they would be better off divorced but neither likes the idea of being alone. Doesn't help that dad-in-law is a drunk. Mom0in-law can be a real ungreatful witch though also.

 

I'm really sorry to hear this. It's depressing to be around family (as much as we love them) that always fights or is unhappy. Could it also just be this season - there's a lot of tension sometimes with big holidays, getting preparations and such. People just seem to go nuts. Maybe that's just my family. ha..

I think though, what their fights are about or psychologically trying to help them like you and your husband are their therapists... are really going to bring you both down instead. Have you spoken to your husband how much this frustrates and hurts you?

It's NOT fun, gracious or considerate when you have guests over and they start quarrelling like this. So what I said earlier, I meant. Don't be afraid to put you foot down (I doubt you are!). Though perhaps we also need a learning curve after getting married, to get used to the in-laws and the new family we suddenly acquire. I don't know the real magnitude of how much this is bothering you. If it's very bad, I hope you can feel free to confide in your husband? Though it may hurt him that it's bothering you and there's not much he can do. Just hang in there. I wish I could say be more supportive and patient- but that's easier said than done. And I have no idea what it's like for you. I hope it gets better or this helps.

 

My wife and I combined our finances. Most of our money decisions are made before the money is even in there anyway. I don't think we have ever had a fight about money. My father and his wife keep everything seperate. They each have their bills and at the end are left with about the same amount. They say its works great for them. They are the only ones I have known to do it that way but it doesn't seem to cause problems. I agree that it is just the people involved here. Some people just love their drama and will drag anyone in that is willing. Just try to get through it.

 

I have been dealing with this anytime we visit no matter what time of the year. I have told them we are leaving I have walked out and went home. I have told them they either need therapy or to at least not live in the same house. They try to play one against the other with thefamily I have even tried to keepthem seperated when we are there. The hubby knows my family do not do this and I am not use to it. He says it has been this way with his mom and step dad all his life and he is use to it and I should be after 10 years. I even offered for his mom to come live with us. No go. I would take her driving me uo a way over their fighting.

 

Haid,
Glad to know it might just be the in-laws that have this issue. The hubby and my money is delt with youthe same way.

I think my in-laws are just all craxy the whole damn lot of them. I will not turn out like them. I refuse.

 

Well, it sounds like they like their life the way it is. Everyone, including their son has gotten used to it, and every family has their quirks. I think perhaps it's YOU who is the only one who has issues with it. Sure, you didn't ask for a family with *this* kind of quirk, but things like this happen. They're quarrelling when you're at their house. So leave then (as you proposed).

Honestly, I've seen people who have to deal with worse than this from parents or inlaws after marriage. My ex was crazy-oversensitive. I don't blame him, but it sure was annoying to me.

 

When I was married we just put everything together finacially, and we never ever fought over money issues. But some people function better seperatly.

I think those inlaws just love to fight, some people just do for some reason. Not for me though.

 

They are just older. You will soon fight all the time.

 

There is something else that these people who don't merge their finances have in common. It is that thing which causes them to fight, not the other way around. Maybe it's not being able to give up their independence, who knows?

 

How the hell do you know my parents? You sound as if YOU were the one who grew up with them!

 

In any case, no one mentioned multiple bank accounts. A couple can easily have their own money set aside and set up a third or fourth joint account for funds that they put aside for living expenses and purchases which they have agreed they will share. This way there is a "merged" or rather, joint account, from which they can *both* withdraw money. I prefer this. Not saying that there is no potential for fights with this too, but there are options.

I still think this case is about people who love to fight, not particularly about money.

And Relic, you may hate your inlaws or dislike them, but they've been married for far longer than you.

 

My partner and I just combined everything from the very beginning. We just kinda became one functioning entity, and his money was my money, and my money was his money. We have continued like this for 30 years, and it has always worked for us. We are not married legally and have had 5 children, I guess we are just very much on the same path, with the same goals, and share the same moneybag. We are very happy and always have been. I think merging shows trust and a genuine commitment.

 

Wouldn't have it any other way. Well maybe if my wife made more and had worked arss off to get there and I had slacked all my life and didn't make crap. I'm just too old fashioned. I control the finances and it seems to be working fine. Of course I got her an AMEX card w/ no limit so she is happy enough.