tomorrow's my birthday and i feel very alone...

tomorrow is my birthday but it is really just another blah tuesday...my family is out of town and if i get a party with them at all it will not be until this weekend. and i bet none of my friends will remeber to call and wish me happy birthday except for one, who talked to me today and asked me when it was.

and the guy i have been sorta seeing has been m.i.a. the last week and even though i have been friends with him for five years or so and we spent my last birthday together, i bet he won't even call or be around tomorrow. so i won't get any birthday sex which really depresses me.
i just feel so alone. i feel sad and lonely and it hurts. i have no one to celebrate with, no one who even really cares or remembers.

i do have some really good stuff in my life. i just recently had my leased car taken from me 2 weeks ago and i decided instead of getting farther in debt to get it back, i would get a cheaper, yet reliable car where i don't really have any car payment, which ends a HUGE stress in my life. i just tagged the car today, so that is a very good happy thing. but i feel like this gloomy saddness of my birthday looms over me and every hour it gets closer to midnight i get sadder.

i just look at my age, which isn't old but older than i feel. and i am just not in the place in my life i thought i would be at this age, which is a problem i have faced with my last 2 birthday's as well. i just look at where my life is, which is no where near where it should be at this point in my life, but what is worse i am still not on the track to where i want to be, in fact i seem to be getting farther away from it and i don't seem to know how in the hell to get in on a course to where i want to be, professionally much less in a relationship...and again i feel so alone. i mean even my closest best friends are married with children and busy in their lives and even though they are always there when i am in a crisis, i have not one person in my life that i have normal conversations with. you know, someone to chat about your day, good things, bad things, silly things, random things.
i feel like i am stuck in a box, watching life just zip by me, and that i am gonna turn around and be 40 and still all alone in this same stupid box, with no one other than my animals to love me, no people.
in fact i have been so sad that saturday i called my ex and greatest love. i have never loved anyone the same as i did him and even though he tore me to shreds, i still have love for him now. i called him randomly after not talking for years until 6 months ago when i saw him when i was in his town for about 2 hours. i was completely shocked he actually answered b/c i have called him a couple of times and he didn't answer or call me back. we chatted and just when he and i were really getting warmed up chatting he literally stopped mid-word and said i'll talk to you later, it was so abrupt in the conversation he had practically hung up when i realized what he said. i assume someone showed up at his house and wigged him out, a girl probably. even still it was good to hear his voice and if he wasn't 5 1/2 hours away i would have got in the car and went to his house right then. i would kill to feel his arms around me comforting me, to feel loved by anyone.

your comments are welcome, but i don't really expect anyone to read this, first it's long and second it's depressing...i just have all this in my head and feel so friggin blue right now i had to get it out somehow and since i have no one to talk to i figured i would write it down..

 

If someone does read it, could you cut it down to a couple sentences for me?

 

get booze. lock yourself in your room. think about your life and if you are where you wanna be. if you find you are not, try and figure out what you need to do...thats my birthday tradition, but last few years my friends have not let me do it...

 

i did the booze thing saturday night, didn't help made me hurt worse inside and i already know i am not where i want to be, being drunk doesn't help me figure out how to get there any better unfortunately...

 

thanks dude, you made me feel so much better

 

na, but being drunk just fits well with depression and loneliness.

 

I can't read long stuff my head is fucked up

 

I'd over you some sympathy but you've got enough self pity there to last you a life time.

 

This is what I was going to ask, sorry I couldnt help ya

 

thanks but at 19 you are not worried about getting older and crap about life. and yeah i feel really crappy right now and alone, and i would appreciate if people who are going to say hurtful or negative things to make me cry would just not post and go to the next thread. and oh yeah, spend 1 birthday all alone b/c your family doesn't care, your friends and your guy don't remember and then tell me how happy you would be feeling!!

 

I had a sympathetic reply here first. And then I realised that I don't actually care.

 

Welcome to getting older and realizing that birthdays dont mean shit expect for another year closer to death.

 

Here have a kitten
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartingcat.html

 

wow, jugg hardley ever gives away kittens.

 

gawd k.. i love that farting cat. he made me laugh.

 

thanks for the kitten lol

 

well i am a little shocked...
and now i wish i hadn’t posted this, and i guess i should have kept all this bottled upinside me...because while i have gotten funny farting kitties, advice to drink into myself
depression, been told it was too long to read (which why anyone who thinks something is
too long to read, i said it was long, and then feel the need to post just to say they
didn’t read it, i will never understand), been told they didn’t have anything to say b/c i was
already to sad (i believe they said pity), and somebody who said they had a sympathetic
reply but then erased it b/c they realized they didn’t care (again, if you don’t care why
bother even posting? if not other than to be rude or hurtful), but not one person has said
happy birthday to me even here. not that i was expecting anyone too, but i was certainly
not expecting people to sorta kick me while i am feeling quite down or at the very least
tell me that they feel indifferent to my pain and loniness.. and while i thought maybe
someone would say something to make me feel a little better (ok, the kitty thing did make
me chuckle) or something to make me feel like smiling a little on my birthday, i feel
worse..now not only am i lonely in a world with people i know, people i don’t know on
the internet have made me feel shunned and instead of feeling connected to someone
somewhere i feel more alone..whatever i guess.

hipforums has always been a place where people could express themselves and if people
did respond it was it was positive or helpful advice, i guess it is not that way now...i don’t
know. and i may sound depressed, but put yourself into my shoes for a second and see
how you would feel, so yes tonight i am depressed and i feel very hurt inside, happy
birthday to me...

 

well, i hear ya, but you can't change anyone but yourself. do what i did, ignore your birthdays and never expect anything for them. after all, it's only special to you. if you want a big party, throw one yourself. call everyone, do something for yourself. then, if someone just happens to remember, it's a bonus, not an obligation. it does take a lot of the anxiety off the day. i hope you feel better.

 

Man, people on this board are cold. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Salli. I hope you have a fucking great year!!

 

i wasn't trying to be cold. i was serious. take the pressure off wondering if anyone's going to remember your birthday. after you grow up, it really isn't that big a deal unless you decide to make it one. my husband's family had always made a big deal outta birthdays, mine never did. i think my family's way of dealing with it was better for me in the long run. i do't get all hurt and run-down when no one remembers, since it was my job to remember to tell them in the first place. and like i said, if someone DOES remember, BONUS.


i did say i hope she feels better. since she's depressed, wishing her a happy birthday probably won't do much for her esteem, especially coming from a stranger.