fear of intimacy

http://www.joy2meu.com/Fear_of_Intimacy.html


saw this article and vibed with it so very deeply that i thought i would share this as well. does this resonate with you?

 

thanks, resonates pretty deep. After on and off therapy for several years I finally conquered it last spring (to a degree) and have developed wonderful bonds with my family and friends by allowing them in and realizing I'll still be whole if I lose them.
One of my best guy friends said that he no longer wishes to be my friend because he realized I won't ever want more and I feel a little heart broken right now to lose somone from my life who I've known for so many years. But I know tommorow I will wake up and hopefully feel better and take my feelings of loss and transfering that energy into nurturing my current friendships.

I would have freaked out with this feeling of abandonment a couple years ago and dated,slept with done whatever to keep a long-term friend in my life. So even though I feel a little empty I guess I have to try and fill that emptiness with love from people who unconcidtionaly love me and value me not regardless of who I am but because of who I am.
Thank you for that article it helped me remember my goals and I needed to read that tonight. I hate losing close friends, especially when all I was trying to do was mantain a friendship, while sticking to my promise of being alone and finding myself. I guess I should be proud for putting myself first.
Who knows. Maybe I'll feel a little less abandoned tommorow when I have a clearer and fresher mind, but right now I feel like I let someone down and they ran away and left me behind. No more sunday morning coffee talks...):
sigh

 

You are more than welcome.
What kind of therapy did you have to go through? Was there anything to it besides psychotherapy?

 

Hi!

Yes, I can relate to most of this... It describes pretty much the way I am and how I feel, so I don't have a lot to add.

Still, it is hard to believe, because in the end it means that our parents and our surroundings have kind of failed "teaching" us what relationships are really about -- and that's not an easy thing to to admit at all! Even if I *know* (in my mind), I have a really hard time *believing* or *admitting*... (Or am I wrong with all this, I don't really know?)

Thank you for the article, mariecstasy!


Love,
e.

 

You are very welcome.

However, in the end, isn't it our own responsibility to know our parents did the best they could and not be victimized by our past but to pick ourselves up in the here and Now and get past the old programming of running from intimacy?
I ask not as someone who has conquered this fear but as someone trying to encourage us all It's really all about each of us and what we choose. However sometimes the choosing is so hard as we have been programmed to identify with our patterns more so than what we really are.....and the only thing we really are at our core is LOVE. least that is my belief. But then why do we run from the thing that could save us? It's a fucked up paradox.

 

Hello again...

Exactly. The hard part is with the "here and now", leaving the past where it belongs and not overrating it, not letting it rule over our lives -- and thus (what it boils down to and what you also mentioned) our choices. What we have been made by others simply isn't that important. We need to stay free. (I just have to be reminded of this fact from time to time.)

The really important thing is -- you said it:

... and it originates directly from freedom. (I can say, as far as my life has taught me.)

That paradox of running from it... I know it pretty well! (Needless to say, on a thread called "fear of intimacy" ) Why we do this... I don't really know, any answer that comes to my mind kind of "evaporates" as I try to write it down... Perhaps it is because love seems so unreliable, unless one lives it... It really is a matter of belief, I think.


Love,
e.

 

Thank you for what you have written. It's always so nice when you find someone who understands you. Have you ever gone to counseling over it? Do you feel one makes the choice whether to be in love or not? Or do we make the choice to not let love happen?
If these are personal questions I apologize....just trying to see patterns here.
I know with myself I started going to a counselor a couple weeks ago because these choices of mine aren't good for me or my partner. We are definately working through the issues as best we can and I am lucky to have such a great friend and partner but I needed to go for myself to disengage the rage I feel sometimes...or least learn to use it other ways.
Do you get that "I hate you....Don't leave me" thing going on? The pushing and pulling your partner. Drawing them close, then they are TOO close and you go within yourself to escape the uncomfort of being too close? That's what it is like to me.

 

Hello!

Thank you. It makes me glad if you feel understood! Let's hope it goes on that way...

Okay, I'll try to go through your questions one by one... (Some of them are personal, but no need to apologize -- they are not too personal for me to answer, at least to the extent I'm going to right now .)

Yes, I've been through therapy for some issues, where this thread's topic has not been left out...

I think we can certainly control, to some extent at least, whether to be in love with a certain person or not. Not totally though...

Not letting love happen... I rather feel that this is a choice we can actually make, even if it can be very hard (for people like me) to choose to actually let it happen. I think that if we choose to be unreachable, we can.

I know what you're talking about... Sometimes, yes. The last time, though, it was done to me, and as it's a familiar pattern, I let it happen. For way too long... (But then, as I said, we can somewhat control our being in love towards people. You get my point... It took a long time, it was hard, but the only way out.)

 

A lot of psychotherapy. I had a really great cognitive therapist last spring and then changed jobs and had different insurance.
I also did eye movement desensitizing and reporcessing exercises for a couple of weeks with my therapist
Started running to replace the medications I started to come off and am two weeks away from being completley rx free (except during pms...just because I don't want to hurt anyone )

 

I liked that. I agree.

 

I had been to a counselor before for a couple of months but my issues come full fledge when I am in a relationship with someone. I suppose its the mirror that the other person presents you with. So I had to go back with my current relationship. This go round I am doing it without the medication. I was on celexa before and I LOVED it but how do you truly work through your issues when you are loving everything in life in an artificial way. Good for you for doing the exercise.I know with me I have changed my eating habits dramatically and I go to the Y nearly every day. This has helped in soooooooo many ways. However, the patterns are instilled and I want to lash out so much over absolutely nothing.
This lady I am with now is sending me to BDT classes which I am so super excited to go to. I know its all about mind control and changing mind patterns and I know how to do it....I just don't. That critical and judging voice comes in and says "you can't do it Marie. You are too damaged"
The EMDR is really cool. My daughter had to go to a therapist a little bit there and the doctor did that to her. I was so extremely intrigued and had her tell me all about it. It actually helped Arianna with just one simple time. She's only 4 though so nothing is engrained in her. She had horrible temper tantrums and wouldn't listen. One day the fight with her and I escaladed to a point where she killer her hamster so I decided it was time for help for both of us. I am so very sorry the hamster died but let me tell you, it was a pivitol point for both of us. Gentle was his name(LOL....because she was supposed to remember to be gentle with it after having killed her first one accidentally while giving it a fun ride in a pillow case.....its name was Happy cause it was happy to be her pet...I love the way she names her animals....well her past animals...I think its necessary to wait a bit) But the deaths plagued her. Bothered her every thought for a couple of months until the therapist did the EMDR and then they were never mentioned again
So PMS is an extra killer for you too? Mine comes with the new moon and my mooncycle was coming with the full moon. So for two full weeks there I am hell to be around. Thank God I begged my body to change cycles and its listening....the period has moved up about a week leaving my psychotic but for a mere week, you know kinda like a normal person lol...whatever that is

 

Well thank you for being honest and I just get super personal when I feel I can relate. It's not too many people in my life who can understand the things that have plagued my mind so I get excited. LOL. Especially now that I seem to be pinpointing what bothers me and makes me feel uncomfortable and not feeling like its everything in the world.

It is super hard to let it happen for me as well. I am learning and am so full the days I do. I get that feeling, want to hold on to it forever because my gosh its what I have been waiting for....to feel. Then within days all systems shut down and I end up hating my boyfriend. Hate is a strong word but mama's got rage. I laugh because well I can laugh at myself. So I understand very well.

Are you in a relationship now?

 

hahaaa. Thanks

I was on Celexa and found it great too. I was able to ignore everything bad in my life. I was on a couple other ones too for a couple months...all at the same time and I felt numb and high at the same time. I was like...hmmm how can this be legal to drive on all this? Now I feel so much more 'real' but the withdrawls make me just want to be alone a lot and think.
I am glad that she likes her counselor. She sounds like such an old soul with how she names her pets. My friends daughter is two and did something similar to her rat. I know she felt a lot better when her therapist told her how many young kids who have great parents.
I know what you mean. I recently realized that I have the lowest self-esteem when I am with somone, even just dating because I feel exposed and naked-even if I'm not getting physically naked hah.

 

You know I stopped my celexa because I missed the deep thinking that I do. Funny how that is what drives me nuts too. There's gotta be that middle ground and I suppose that's what the reprogramming of the mind comes in. Finding the place where the thinking is constructive and not destructive to the psyche. Balance is such a difficult thing to find.

And I can completly vibe with that. I have all the confidence in the world when I fly solo Know I am a goddess and can do anything. Then something switches around. It's definately interesting to be me

Arianna is absolutely an old soul. She teaches me so much everyday with things she says. They are so profound that I don't understand how she could know that. For example one day I was fighting with Andy and she came in the room to tell us "Being angry is not being grateful." People always comment on how she sounds 30 when she talks. I love it and get the biggest kick out of it. Thanks

Do you live in Italy?

 

Italy....sounds good, how about Sardinia? I see you liked my new fretalian language...spanglish was getting old.

That is the sweetest thing ever. I bet that stopped the fight dead in it's tracks.
The difference between constructive and destructive is very gray to me. I am so competitive and in need of approval from my family that I rarely know if I am doing something for me, for others ot to others.
Did you find it hard to get used to feeling again when you went off of it?

 

oh wow, i know exactly what you mean. I am always like that as well. I make my own decisions and feel I am good at them but I do need the approval. Need people to not think I am being stupid. I hate feeling that way but am always feeling people are judging me.

I went off the celexa because my thoughts weren't as deep any longer and I was getting to a place of feeling like i was all better .something inside has always said "NO" to the meds.
Did it take long to feel again? No not at all. Then again, like I said, I was beginning to feel better. But it sure didn't take long to feel bad again. Took me about 5 months before I got on them again. THen I was on for a couple months ran out and haven't had it since. There have been times I feel that I need it so so so so badly. Its been helping to go through the depressions and sadnesses and not resisting them. I come out of it much more fulfilled, healed and faster.

My doc diagnosed me with post tramatic stress disorder and major depression. I don't agree so much with the ptsd but when i read about borderline personality disorder, I feel like I am reading my own words. then again I have only gone to this lady two times.

What do you think has helped you the most?

 

I have ptsd, which lead to Dissociative identity disorder. It's mild, more like I dissassociatte and forget as oppossed to jumping personalities..okay I'm crazy no justification

Did you have withdrawls when you went off? I am having really bad stomache problems now and I don't know if they're from withdrawls or if my liver is pissed off at me from the holidays.
I think what helped me the most is the cognitive therapy last spring. It just really changed me. I was letting people's emotions take over my own and as soon as I haulted that and strenthened my own personality my emotions and the emotions of those around me became much calmer. I lost a few friends who couldn't handle me being in control of myself and no longer someone who always needed others. That was a bit sadening (is that a word? hah). How about you?

 

Hi.

I'm forty-two and just started RET (it's a form of the rapid eye desensitation therapy).

I SWEAR by it - SWEAR BY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWEAR SWEAR CUSS AND SWEAR BY IT EVEN!

My insurance doesn't cover it, and I am NOT wealthy by any means - but I STILL come up with a way to pay for it every other week - THAT is how much I am in love with it.

I've had three sessions so far - the last one was directed toward codependency (yes - that IS my picture next to the definition in your dictionary) and within that one session - I honestly can really say - I think more than half my codependency issues are GONE! JUST LIKE THAT.

I no longer care what people think of me. This is VERY important because until about seven years ago I was 5'3" and weighed 103 pounds. Overnight practically - my thyroid died (I developed a severely severe case of Hashimoto's Autoimmune Thyroid Disease - fast progressing) and withi n a couple of years I weighed 190 (I'm still 5'3"). I lost a bit of the weight (with proper meds.) but I didn't lose nearly even a third of it. So - on top of feeling like I sucked for being suddenly FAT (and all the shit that goes with that - NOBODY - and I do mean NOBODY believes a woman who gains weight when she says "I don't overeat"), I hated myself - hated how I looked, and hated how I KNEW other people were judging me.

Guess what I feel right now?

Eh.

Shrug.

Like this - "If somebody wants to hold it against me that I'm not skinny - then it's THEIR problem. I eat well, exercise every day. If my body wanted to be thin - it would be. It doesn't. So there you go."

PERIOD.

It's quite enlightening in the mind.

Another thing - PTSD is a tricky thing. I SWORE I didn't have it but when I said that to my counselor she laughed and showed me her notes. The first time she ever met with me her FIRST impression was "PTSD".

RET and its likeminded therapies work wonders for PTSD that has been with a person since early childhood. I have read it is one of the only things that DOES work - as we codependent PTSD types tend to obsess and stress to the point of literal ILLNESS over what others think, how we can fix what others think of us, etc.

I was raised as an only child by a BPD mother - it was rough. It was not good. For many years I wouldn't even admit that there was anything wrong with how I was raised - I didn't want to blame my mom, use her as an excuse for my OWN fuck ups in life.

Now - I put responsiblity where it belongs (with me - it's my life) but I ALSO hold mom respeonsible for being an unhealthy parent. I have not told her this - I probably never will, she is EXTREME in her BPD and I am certain she would throw it back in my face by telling me how stupid fat lame and worthless I am.

I don't know if I'm healed enough yet to tolerate any more of THAT verbal abuse - but I am getting stronger every day.

I recommend rapid eye desensitation to everybody on earth who has childhood induced PTSD and is "stuck", who GETS "stuck", who have trouble moving on after things / relationships end, who always feel @ fault for how others behave.

It works wonders.

And that site that was linked @ the beginning - I've been there dozens of times, read through most of it, have it bookmarked, and find it VERY interesting. There is a lot of food for thought in it.

TFTA

 

i had no withdraws at all. i didnt do it the right way either time, just stopped. like i said though, i wasn't on it that long. how long have you been on it? that might make a big difference.
oh my gosh....others emotions absolutely sway how i feel or dont feel. i get so caught up in their energy...what they are feeling, thinking and such that i dont know if what i am feeling is mine and i am projecting it on the other person or if its actually theirs and i'm super sensitive. i kinda feel like its both.

i dont know whats helped, not helped....because i am just at the beginning of really identifying and understand the problem and myself. that in and of itself i am going to bet to be my number one help

 

yay for you
I agree it is so good to help me move on with my life and leave the past in the past. I always had such a hard time with that and would 'fall back' to dating ex's, bad friends etc. Finally being able to develop my own habits is great.