accepting my lifestyle

i have just finished school and will be starting university next year. i want to move in with my boyfriend and my parents think it is the dumbest idea on the planet. they think that i am not ready to do it, and that i wont be able to look after myself and support myself.
i want to live with him because he lives in the city where it is easier for me to get a job and closer to one of the two universities i have applied for. and he has said that if i get into the other university, he is willing to move close to there for me, which is something my parents wont do for me because theyre too self involved...
my dad has been saying things like, if i move out, my boyf will be the only family that i have and that i cant go near him n mum again n stuff like that. then he started trying to blackmail me by saying that if i stay at home, him or mum will bring me into the city everyday (which is an hour or just over drive) and home again, and they'll give me a little car which will stay at their work so i can drive it around the city (but i wont be allowed to drive it home or anything. it has to stay in the city).
i've been doing every bit of house cleaning and cooking for the last 3 years because they work so much and know how to look after myself cos theyve never really been there to help me with much. i think they only reason they dont want me to leave is because then they will have lost their maid/housecleaner but i cant tell them that.
i want them to understand that i need to move out bcos i feel it is my time, and that i want to experience the real world my way, and not go 'what if....' for the rest of my life. i dont know how to make them understand this and i really dont know what to do. its putting so much stress on me, and my boyf. i've lost count of the times that ive cried or gotten angry over the last 6 weeks. what do i do?

 

Where do you live? Because 17 is the legal age of adulthood in a lot of places outside of the US. 17 or 16. One of them.

So I kinda see both sides of the argument. While I do think you are a little young to move out, your plan actually does seem logical, in my opinion. And I highly doubt that your dad would really disown you if you chose to move out, unless you have other family issues you haven't mentioned. It sounds like an empty threat to me.

On the other hand, you really are a little young, and you may not be ready. I was 17 when I finished high school, too, and even though I'm still a little pissed at my parents for forcing me to go to a college I didn't want to go to, they were probably right in wanting me to stay local. It's also a lot cheaper this way. Between rent, food, bills, car insurance, and everything else, living on your own is very expensive, even if there are two people. And what happens if you break up? Will you still have a place to live?

 

From what little you shared with us, I'd have to say that moving out of your parents' house does sound like a good idea. Moving in with boyfriend is a very very bad idea, though. Get a dorm room at the uni instead. Apply for financial aid. What help with tuition you get will be directly related to your parents' income, but you might get free dorm room regardless. Look into all the available scholarships, apply for them whether you think you qualify or not. Pick one school, and put all your efforts into that instead of spreading them out between two or more different places.

 

yeah, or find a roommate and an apartment (or basement suite in a house).

I moved out at 17 and did just find, but I had my parents blessing (they lived just outside of the city, but about a 40min drive from campus and I don't drive so I'd have to bum rides off my folks, ick) and I had a roommate, didn't live with my boyfriend. Had a nice little basement suite, could afford internet too and we got free cable (hacked by a previous tenant). I handled my own transport and groceries, though I did occasionally ask mom to drive me home after buying groceries if it was a bundle of 'em and she was around/in town anyways.

But moving in with a boyfriend, well, it isn't the best idea for your first moving out experience. Relationships are volatile, if you two arent' getting along or end up breaking up, what will you do? Not that roommates are automatically reliable, but generally they're more reliable than boyfriends are. Sad but true.

 

Agreed with the mommies who know what they're talking about. Move out if you please, just not with the male. Do you have any friends who are also applying at that university, who you could perhaps get an apartment or something with?

.....and I disagree that the reason your parents won't pack up their lives and move to where it suits you is 'self-involved'. They have jobs and lives where they are that take time and effort to establish, and it wouldn't be at all logical to for them move, just so you can go to university for 4 years and then move out anyway. If anything, making the offer to drive you to and from school on a daily basis is a huge sacrifice in time and gas.

If they're afraid to lose their housekeeper, so be it. Tell them if they still want help with that arena, then they're welcome to hire you on at an hourly wage once you're moved out and supporting yourself.

Good luck.

 

I'm just going to tell you that it's really difficult to move out. I moved out for about 5 months and split the rent with my sister, an hour and a half away. I worked all the time, used the bus transportation system, and still couldn't afford food. It's really tough and I was depressed and cried all the time. I had no friends where I moved, even though I was dating someone really nice down the street, but we dated before I moved there. My parents didn't like the idea either. And if I were you, I'd get a car. It makes things SO so so so much easier to do, but your job would have to be better to afford insurance. And personally, I wouldn't move out completely unless you've found a good job. I was a preschool teacher and hell, they don't pay worth crap. I make more now working at a daycare. It's hard finding a job without having a degree or some level of education being young. I'm in massage therapy school now to help me out and to afford college later on.
Anyway, good luck!
Wildflowerlove
Also, budjet well. And for goodness sakes, don't spend all your money on eating out. That's something that ruined me.

 

Agreed!!

 

I think everybody's got good input here. I think moving in with your guy would probably be a bad idea, I did the same thing at your age and if I could do things over I would learn to be more independant early on. Make sure school is the main focus in your life, not a guy. Men have a funny way of making themselves the most important thing in your life at the expense of your own happiness sometimes. You are worth making every effort to get the education and have what you really want in your life. Put yourself first. good luck at school, study hard, and follow your dreams

 

I know I'm only 15, and you can disregard my opinion if you wish, but I don't see anything wrong with moving in with your boyfriend. If you feel the time is right to move out, if you and your boyfriend are in a sexual relationship, and if you love each other, I see no reason why you shouldn't. In America, you may still be treated like a child, but you aren't. If you feel mature enough, if you feel like a woman, then in my eyes you are a woman. Lots of my friends live with their boyfriends and they're alot younger than you. They're doing well and are happy. My friend Kelly is now 16, and has been living with her boyfriend since she was 14. She has now moved to a different country with him, and they are in a loving relationship. At my age it isn't uncommon to live with your boyfriend, and I don't see how it should be any different in America. Go where your heart takes you, and do what you feel is right. It's all your decision. You don't need us to tell you what to do, and you don't need your parents to tell you what to do. If you can say to yourself that you're mature enough to make a life changing decision, then go for it.

 

Maturity comes with mental gain. If you feel that YOU are ready, and you are responsible enough then all is good. If you can see yourself in the situation and observe all aspects of outcomes then it is fine. Just keep a backup plan, and how long have you been with your boyfriend, if it has been two, three years and you feel that it is very loyal and serious then i would see no problem in moving with him; on the other hand if it has only been weeks or months, i would give it time, move in with a roomie.

 

Moving out is fine if you think you can really deal with it. But holy shit don't move in with your boyfriend!

It's been said over and over again... and no offense to the younger posters that may not see the problem with the boyfriend thing, but as the years go by and the significant others pile up you'll understand.

Maybe I can try to explain it?

This is a cool age for YOU, and it's the perfect time to start figuring out exactly who YOU are and who YOU want to be. You need space to do that in. You don't want to develop your identity as a couple, because someday, that relationship may not be there, or it may be replaced by another, etc etc. The point is, I guess, the feelings you have about wanting to move out from your parents will be repeated in similar yet different fashion and varying degrees with your boyfriend. The most important thing at this time in your life should be finding yourself.

This is a big time in defining who you're going to be. Take advantage of it. Find a roommate, meet new people, have a blast.

 

or speed the process up with psychadelics lol just kidding!

 

I'm going to speak as a parent, so feel free to say I'm talking bunkum if you like. That having been said I will say that going to university is an opportunity for you to evolve into who you really are.

At the moment you're defined (at least in part) by your relationship with the people you share your roof with every day. By moving in with someone you're going to fall into the same patterns of behaviour that you have always had with either your family or your boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with those patterns, but you're more than just those patterns and if you put a little disyance between you and your boyfriend, you might get a better idea of who you really are.

In addition, by moving into a Hall of Residence, you're going to be exposed to people who are very different to you. You might not like everyone you meet, but trust me you even learn from the people you don't like.

Finally, my partner and I were weird. We met at 16 and were still together 17yrs later. Most relationships that are formed at 16/17/18/19 aren't going to last. I'm not trying to hold myself up as better than other people. There were times I suspected mine wouldn't last, and but for the kids we might not have done. If you have a falling out, can you imagine what it's going to be like having to spend the rest of the year with him?

Trust me living away from him might seem difficult, but it gives you an "out" if something goes wrong.