Blarg. Family issues of course.

Alright so the basics of everything. I want to live with my dad but every person I know disagrees with my decision.
The details...

I never really met my dad until I was 10 or so. He was always in prison or hiding out or something. We had a great relationship for awhile until the summer before last. He started doing a lot of speed, coke and herion which split us apart another year or so.

i live with my mom and stepdad at this moment. Now that i'm seeing my dad straighten up, I want to live with him and be able to establish some form of a relationship while I can.

The town i'd be moving to is not exactly the best town in the world. The people are pretty messed up and the schools aren't that great. Not to mention there's a lot of racism and crime there. I also know that a lot of the essentials I need as a young woman would not be taken care of.

This one decision of mine has basically caused a lot of conflict in the household. My mother is my best friend and it's not that I want to leave her. But since then people have been trying to persuade me to stay and not leave with things like a car and trying to explain the benefits of staying here.


I have a deep gut feeling that I should do it. I'm also thinking about staying. I just really don't know what to do.
Help?

 

What does your father have to offer you? Obviously not stability or dependability. Why do you want to move away from your mother? You are the child and your father the parent---he ought to be the one to take care of you. Do you think it will be possible for him? What does your mother say about you moving? And your father? Do you think he will be able to stay on the straight and narrow? Do you think you being there is how you'll be able to keep him there? Why not try out living with him this coming summer and if it goes good you can make a further decision on whether you want to say with him year round. Truthfully, what is behind this motive to move?

 

I just want to be able to have something more than "Hey this is my biological father....and i know nothing about him."
My mother doesn't agree. My brother doesn't. My stepdad. Friends. Friends of the family. But I have a gut feeling that I have to. A strong gut feeling.

He can't offer me much.
I am using the summer as a test run. I usually just stay the summer but it's not enough. i 'unno.

You really helped though, thanks.

 

I feel your pain---I don't have a relationship with my father either, and not only that, he doesn't know anything about me, depsite the time we have been together and it hurts. It hurts knowing the relationship isn't there...it hurts even more knowing he isn't puting any effort into making a relationship but you have to relaize a relationship is 2 sides. You can't make him be the father you want. You deserve better than a 2nd rate father. This may sound negative, but don't set yourself up for heartache. He should meet you somewhere in the middle and from the sounds of it he isn't. Good luck with any decision you make, and I truly hope that your father can step up and be the man he ought to be because he owes it to you and he owes it to himself.

 

how often does he call you? Does he even want you in his life? You can't help him straighten up his act. Only he can do that himself. Your presence will not keep him off drugs, if that's what you are thinking.

 

He calls me almost daily. When he doesn't call it's usually because he ran out of minutes in his phone.

When I told him about this he said that I "made his day" but this isn't the first time we've discussed this. He or I one usually back out of the situation but now, i'm not going to back out unless he messes up again.

 

Id say that you visit him give it a long while to make your decision. Moving in with him doesnt sound like it would be pretty stable.. See how he is in a couple months if hes still on the right track... Build up on your relationship.

 

Now my mother isn't really speaking to me because I guess she thinks i'm betraying her.

I don't understand.

 

If she's not speaking to you, you won't know why till you ask. Assuming isn't helping anything. As for her possible feelings of betrayal.....

Think of it like this.

She gave you life and raised for the majority of your time here, and now you want to go live with someone that she may not be overly fond of, someone who's likely hurt her emotionally in the past by his drug use and being unreliable, in an area that's not the best that you can be given. She has a right to feel that hurt and/or betrayed, even if it wasn't your intention.

For one, she's used to having you around and KNOWS that you are being adequately provided for. Two, she's worried, and rightly so, about what you're going to be up to when you're at your dad's. Besides going to a school that's a step down from where you're at, which might not bode well for your future, there's also the issue of racism and crime, both of which can be a direct threat to your physical safety, something that is her duty to ensure. She wants the best for you, and that situation isn't it; even you recognize this.

On top of that, she may also be worried about you getting into drugs as well, especially if he starts using again. Speed, cocaine, and heroin are all very, very difficult to quit, and I'll go out on a limb here and say that the temptation to go back to it is probably all around him. It may help up his chances if he's in a rehab, detox, or Narcotics Anonymous group, if he isn't already.

I respect that you want to talk to him and establish a relationship with him, but I think that you should look for other ways besides full-time immersion. I'll also say that when you visit and there is time set aside for you two to interact, you tend to get more done communication-wise than the everyday time between work and school and other commitments, especially if you have a lot of catching up to do.

In short, listen to your mama, but maybe try to work out visiting him more often, or send him a phone card now and then. Encourage his good habits and tell him how proud and happy you are that he's kicking the chemicals.

Good luck; I hope you and your dad develop a wonderful relationship, and you continue the good one with your mom and stepdad.

 

with everything I've thought about, I'm going to give it the summer and then I'll make my decision. I'm now thinking that he really isn't ready for it. But I guess I'll see.