Heres the scene!!! I was at a neighborhood playground the other day with my daughter, and here is what went down. Mother and little Jeremiah (3-4 years old) are at the playground. Children are playing, mothers are swinging little ones, etc. or sitting on benches talking, and watching. Mother decides it is time to leave the playground. "Jeremiah, take one last swing because we are leaving very soon." (He swings and runs to slide.) Mother waits 10 more minutes. "Did you hear me, Jeremiah, we need to go now and pick up your sister.?" (No response) "Jeremiah, we really need to go NOW. Do you want me to have to tell your Dad when we get home that you didn't listen.? (Jeremiah runs to monkey bars) "Hey, ya know what Jere-mari, I have cookies in the car, I will bet you are hungry. Lets go to the car and eat yummy cookies." (Jeremiah looks over and then runs and hides behind slide, smiling) "Honey, if you don't start walking toward the car immediately, I am going to leave without you, and you can just stay here by yourself. See, Mama's going now. Bye Bye See ya." (No response-watches Mom walk to car.) (Mom comes back.) "I am going to Toy's R Us now, maybe we had better get going before they close. We could maybe get that new game you wanted. Come on, lets go" (Jeremiah runs away as fast as he can) (Mother runs and grabs Jeremiah, he screams and thrashes.) Mother turns to other mothers on benches and says, "Jeremiah missed his nap today, he is just so tired and cranky. He needs to go home for his nap. Come on, sweetie you are tired ! ( She hauls him to car ) Something has gone terribly wrong for this mother. ! What do you think it is ? Can she do anything to change this behavior ? How many mothers have this experience ?
That seems like normal child behavior to me. I would have gone to him, made him stand in front of me and look me in the eye, and then tell him he has one last chance to play on ONE piece of equipment. Which will he pick? Let him play on something one last time, and then grab his hand and let him know we are going to the car. All the way to the car, I will thank him for being cooperative and leaving even though I know he wanted to stay and play. And that we will definitely come back sometime soon to play again. It's all about making sure the child hears you the first time and knows it's not a game. If you take the time to get on his level, you have less a problem with him thinking it's a game.
I read the book 1 2 3 magic and it puts a lot of these scenarios in it. The book explains that the less emotion you show, the more likely that the child will listen. It has worked with us with a lot of the meltdowns and such. I can usually just raise one finger and he will stop the behavior. But, I have been the mother that has had to drag her son out of McDonald's play area kicking and screaming (and I was pregnant) and telling him that we will never come back again. I have also offered candy or toys because it can be so hard sometimes. Parents do the best they can and we do sometimes make mistakes, even in public. If only they could be perfect angels all the time, and we could be perfect parents that never feel completely overwhelmed with our children!!
It doesn't sound normal to me the mom lost control. She is giving him what he wants, More time to play and she turns his bad behavior into a game. She also talks about rewarding his bad behavior. Not a good thing becuase it will never stop if he keeps being rewarded.
I refuse to judge a tantrum thrown by a child out in public. Although normally my kids are very well behaved, there have been times, oh yes, when they too had missed their naps and I was beyond embarassed when they were having an "off" day. Now granted, this doesn't happen often, but, like us as adults, even WE have days when we throw our tantrums. Most of the time, I feel for those frazzled parents, it's so hard when your child decides to flip out or not listen when you have so many eyes on you judging your every move. True, some kids are absolutely out of control, but I think it's unfair to pass judgement before knowing what's really going on. The way that child was behaving might be a rare occurance, and many times, when children are out, away from the safety net of their home, they try and push buttons, see how much they can get away with in a different territory. Now I'm not one for bribing, so I do have to somewhat disagree on that approach, but then that brings it all back to, the parent being desperate to have the child cooperate without a scene.
Is that an actual senerio you witnessed? It seems a bit odd. That mama needs to crack down. She promising things I'm betting she can't/won't deliver and threatening things I'm willing to bet she won't follow through with. When leaving somewhere fun like the playground, I give a 5/10 minute warning, then it's time to go. period. I'll pick you up and carry you if I have to, but I've got too many things to do to sit there and barter with a tired/hungry 3 year old. This may sound harsh, but it's what happens. I also prep my kids for going places by saying that if there's a ruckus when we leave, we may not be able to go as often and that would be sad
Change what? Her behavior? THAT's what needs changing. The kid's just being a kid. No wonder he doesn't know how to act, his mother lacks consistency. The real problem is when parents think parenting means being in control of child's behavior. Authoritarian parenting doesn't work any better than permissive parenting, either one smacks of control issues. In one case, the parent is the supreme commander and child must obey, in the other, the kid runs the show. In real life, we have to cooperate and work together with other people, why should parenting be any different? I don't bully my kids, nor do I let them bully me around. We talk and work together to find a mutually agreeable solution to any problem. My children need more than five minutes to transition from one activity to another. I generally start telling them at twenty or thirty minutes, what to expect in such and such time. And every five minutes or so, I remind them how much time is left. We don't have problems with "tantrums" since addressing the food sensitivities that were the root of that problem.
i think the mom just wants the kid to listen to her so she'll try anything, because she wants to show to the other parents that her kid respects her and will listen, but instead she just dug a bigger hole for herself.
(sigh) I see a lot of this too. My first reaction is to wonder how the mama expects their kids to take them seriously about ANYTHING! If you say you need to go, then go. Don't drag it out for 1/2 hour, how is a kid supposed to learn about punctuality or time limits from that?!? Honestly, I bring a stopwatch in my purse. They know how long we'll have at each place, and will come to me occasionally to check on how much time we've got left. I give them a 5 minute notice so that leaving isn't a shock to them, and I set the timer. I also give them a 2 minute & last minute warning. And they come, every time, when the stopwatch starts beeping. No fighting, no yelling... see, you can't very effectively yell at a watch so it's become my "bad guy" in this case. "Oh, I know you wanted to stay longer, but the timer went off & that means we need to move on!" And bribing a kid whose not listening? Oooh, that's always seemed like adding fuel to the fire to me. If your kiddo isn't listening now, what do you think they'll be like after you stuff them full of sugar... or REWARD their misbehavior? Nope, I'll stick with my stopwatch. And I'll reserve bribery for when I really need it... when I'm sick or on the phone love, mom
me and my husband and step daughter a few months back were at the park ... Shes 10. And there were kids that were like 15,16 there don't get me wrong but these kids were ruining the small equiptment for the lil tikes... So as i'm observing the 15,16 yrs olds were the parents saying "who the h_____ do you think you are to their child F___ you bastard.... I went over to my step daughter shes very observant and she said to me i know what your going to say ... ... She looked at me straight dead on and said i'm not even paying attention to them... they have a nasty mouth . i won't ever repeat what they are saying. That made my day. But as for their parenting style i feel really sorry for the child.
i have hauled my daughter screaming her head off from the park. i just pick her up and go. she loses her freaking mind the whole way home, i put her in her room and she has a time out to scream it out. i just deny her my reaction, her audience, and what she wants.
i've also noticed that kai is far more likely to pitch a fit if there's an good sized audience. reproving glances and judgemental stares from other people are just a given. sometimes, when i'm hauling kai away or if i raise my voice to her at all, i get the dirtiest glares. fuck them. my kid. i'm not beating her or abusing her in any way. not my fault a 4 year old occaisionally acts likea 4 year old.
I don't judge other kid's tantrums in public, either. I don't know what is going on in their life, I don't know if the child has behavior, neurolgical, or medical issues, I don't know if the mama has lost someone she loves recently, had fight with her partner, lost her job, is out of money, feels depressed. NONE of that is my businiess. When I see a child "misbehaving" in public I usually smile at the mama and say, "We all have bad days. I know I do. Things may look better after a nap and a snack." It may be the ONLY nice thing she has heard all day. Some children have very difficult time changing activities, others get very disturbed if they get even a little dehydrated or their blood sugar drops. (I know both my kids and myself are like differnet people when we are hungry, thristy or in pain.) I can't judge. Neither myself or my children are perfect.
I can see that I have been lacking compassion in many situations concerning child-parent relationships. Surely, the woman in the playground scenario seemed desperate, and a kind word would have helped, rather than my judgement. Often when I see occurences like this, I feel sad because the mother seems almost clueless, and the child seems confused. It is very complex, and I really don't intened or want to judge. I was definitely not a perfect mother and my children aren't perfect, they just learned a sense of cooperation in our particular family unit, and we somehow avoided these kind of situations. They (all five) could go on buses, sit in restaurants, take long car trips, and transition from activity to activity quite easily, so to witness such disharmony,cajoling, manipulation, and bribery is foreign to my mothering experience. I will totally try to be more compassionate and empathetic next time I have an experience like at the playground. Thanks for the loving inspiration.
I totally agree. My Danny can be quite a handful. WEll, not "can be", more like "is always"! LOL. HE doesn't deal well with transitions, and trying to leave a playground is like pure torture to him, and therefore to me. I wish someone would offer to help me instead of judging me, and then going to write about it on the internet. That poor mama. She was probably having a helluva bad day.
Maggie Sugar, thanks for the wonderful idea. I see this kind of thing all the time, but I've always tried to ignore it. There are usually at least a couple other mothers or "old people" giving their ever so "helpful advice," and I've never felt as if I needed to help fuel the fire. But a sympathetic word WOULD probably help!
ABE, I hope you didn't think I was judging you, because I wasn't. I know it is too easy to fall into the "OMG, why can't that mother SEE what she is doing" trap. I know, I've done it. But, we don't know what else is going on in her world. I am glad you have an open mind about these kind of things, I think you are a good, attentive mama, and really just want the best for ALL children. This feeling of empathy for other children can often give a frustration for other parents who haven't gotten to the levels of parenting proficency that some of us have. Yep. Most people are clueless, about most things. Yes, it IS frustrating. If she wasn't clueless, she would be doing something different. I know, it is hard, when we see a situation where WE would have done something completely different. But, then, I have a day where I am suddenly doing something I know better than to do (raise my voice to one of my kids, because I am frustrated at the line, and their behavior, (which is appropriate to a child) in the supermarket) and some one give ME a look. I am far from clueless, I think, yet I have bad days and poor behavior myself, as well, on occasion. When we see an other mama acting in a way that we know we wouldn't, we don't know why. We don't know if it is a momentary slip for her, or a long standing problem. Either way, there is nothing we can do, unless she specifically asks US for help. That's why I try, and try HARD (as I have a pretty strong personality and tend expect a LOT from people) to give these mamas a kind word, and a moment of understanding. Maybe that will be just the thing she needs to "pay it forward" to her child. Although, I am not a big believer in the "everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at the moment" thig (because, when I know some people WELL, I KNOW they can do better, and I think that just thinking they are having a bad day is better, at least for me) I DO beleive that every one has areas that they can work on, and that when we see a mama in public, we are only seeing a few moments of a life that we have no idea what the rest of her life is like.
