Loving Someone With an STD

Hi Everyone,

I've been MIA from hipforums for awhile due to life being insanely crazy at the moment with work and school. I recently got out of a long term relationship and have been casually seeing someone new. He just admitted to me that he has the herpes simplex virus.

While I'm thankful for his honesty, I'm angry and torn. We've formed an emotional bond and have had a wonderful time together. None of our interactions have been sexual thus far and I guess it was nearly time to sort of move on to the next level. Then this sort of broke out in the open.

I've tried to do my best in reading and finding out more about this STD and the results aren't too optimistic as there still is no known cure. It's depressing, painful and it's started to put a definite strain on the relationship that I never could have anticipated. I've not dated someone with an STD before nor have I been infected in the past.

He's not pressuring me for anything and he's been very fair, saying that if I can't be with him, he understands and there is no hard feelings. He just wants me to be comfortable in whatever I do and wants me to be happy. I know there is also great emotional and psychological guilt and it's taking its toll on him too. He mentioned trying to get in touch with others who are infected and at least trying to get to know or date people in that community, so to speak, prior to knowing me. But there was nothing, and it seems like people are reluctant to come out about such things.

This turned out to be a longer post than I expected so thank you to whoever reads this. He is going to go for a full check up tomorrow, including blood tests for all STDS. I can't put into words how saddening and painful this is - how could a mistake or an experience, now 22 years ago for him, still have an impact decades later? I don't need the lecture about condoms. Herpes can be spread with condoms. I guess I just needed a place to talk about it.

If anyone can help me with insights, where to read, where to go or even to suggest if ending it with this man is my only option, I would appreciate any feedback. At this point I'm just trying to stay focussed on work and school also. On Thursday, in 2 days, I'm going to consult a physician on all my questions regarding infections from herpes etc.

 

Run For Your Life Girl. He Is A Stand Up Guy For Telling You, But Being That I Have A Contamination Phobia I Would Freak The Fuck Out!

 

you may wanna talk to hippievixen if shes still around, she has herpes but from what i understand and have seen she has quite a happy and fulfilling sex life with her husband.

 

well seeing commercials on tv i think herpes is pretty freakin common, and while it is not curable, their are medications that can subdue breakouts and stuff. did he talk about what he does to treat it?

these things happen. and i don't know if ppl should feel they have to tell others on a first date, to warn them i guess. it is great that he told you... and i know there are ppl who are intimate and one has herpes and the other doesn't. obviously in this situation it is up to you whether to stay with him or not... what's important and all that.

 

Yes, it's common. Apparently about 1 in 5 Americans have a form of herpes. About 80 to 90% have no idea they are infected since the virus is tricky in how it surfaces or manifests as outbreaks. Generally the first outbreak is the most severe and occurs 2-3 weeks after coming in contact with someone who has it.

The guy I'm with hasn't taken anything for it for about 20 years. He did take BHT for it in the first year or two when the outbreaks were pretty bad, occuring every two months. After awhile, according to him, it got less and less frequent. He's recently started up the BHT regimen again after 20 years, since there's slightly more literature on it now if not positive insights from others who have been taking it.

Thanks for letting me know about hippievixen, dangermoose, but I don't know her and I wonder if it would be rude to PM her? I don't know..

Any more insights would be appreciated.

 

I'm sure she would understand


I have no personal experience with this topic, but I say if you care about him enough (or feel that you will be able to) go for it
he is the same person inside as he would be without herpes

and it's not like he's paralyzed from the waist down
and even if he was - would that be a good reason not to date someone?

 

Maybe I am too pragmatic? I've been in enough relationships to know that they don't last long and whatever it is, they die off eventually. Perhaps I was not and am not prepared to put my health at risk for any of them, and this relationship is no different.

If I get infected, what will I tell partners afterward? Will I carry this stigma with me the rest of my life? And if I met the man of my dreams later on and the fact that I had herpes was a dealbreaker, is this too high of a price to pay?

No one plans a relationship with the idea that there is a breakup or that you may meet new people but let's face it, herpes lasts longer than love in many cases.

This man I'm seeing has an ex-wife with whom he has had two children (now aged 11 and 13). He's also dated other women after the divorce 9 years ago. Apparently none of them have come back to him with a "you know what" talk, saying that they've gotten infected. At the same time I know that herpes can lay dormant and people can remain carriers without an outbreak. Have these women been tested? No. Do I know for sure if they are infected and hence his ability to infect? No.

In the end I know that it's my decision. I guess I was just wondering if there were others who are dealing with herpes and someone I can talk to about how to deal with a partner who has it. I'll try to contact hippievixen too.

 

when someone admits to be pragmatic, usually they are just pessimistic

most highschool relationships don't work out either
I know one couple that's been together for 6 years now, started in highschool

in my experience couples fight a lot
me and my girlfriend haven't fought, not even one argument, or even a part with mutual disgust to each other, for the last 4 months of knowing each other

my mom and my dad always fought, and he was a huge drunk, but they stayed together anyways
one day, my mom decided to kick him out and call up her attorney

with people, it's not good to assume one thing will always be true
especially when it comes to relationships

 

Having a partner who is paralyzed from the waist down is VERY different than having a partner who can give you an infectious disease that will affect you for the rest of your life.

I dunno .Hannah., I'm not sure I'd be able to deal with it. Your best bet is to talk to your doctor, get him on Valtrex or a generic thereof that suppresses herpes being spread, practice safe sex ALWAYS, refrain from ANY sexual contact while he has an outbreak... Talk to your doctor about the chances of him spreading it while on medication. Try and decide if it's worth the risk to you.... I know that for me, it probably wouldn't be, but that's me not you.

 

Thanks Ihmurria. I really appreciate that. I'm just taking one day at a time right now. He is actually taking BHT which not only suppresses but disrupts/strips the lipid outer layer of the virus-infected cells so that they are deformed in a way, and unable to latch on and be as "infectious".

Emotionally, we're pulling back a little because we both realize we may not be able to work this through. I understand what Duck is saying about love and to be honest, it truly is something I would be willing to live with the rest of my life if an infected partner and myself were so serious that we were on the verge of something like marriage. I -would- be willing to contract herpes and deal with the treatments with him. However, we aren't talking about marriage here. We're just getting to know each other.

Another dangerous part is that both of us are highly sexual/sensual and we love experimenting with sex. I guess.. people could say he paid for it at a very young age and contracted this at age 18. It is critical that safe sex be done at all times but we've also discussed unprotected sex (he has a vasectomy) including unprotected anal sex, and rimming and oral sex etc.

Again, I know the choice is mine to make and thank you all for being respectful and tactful about this. I still have a lot of thinking to do and am very torn..

 

:leaving:

 

:leaving:

 

relationships don't last long but there is potential for a man of your dreams?... sorry it's just kinda contradictory

i think when you meet the right person it doesn't matter if they have an std. that is, the "man/woman of your dreams" but, if you don't see the relationship with this guy going far then it probably is a deal breaker. if i remember correctly hippievixen was already married when she found out she had herpes from a previous partner so the situations are different, imo.

you could always not have sex with him until you decide you love him enough to take that risk, without breaking up with him immediately. if you never see yourself getting that close, it's best to break up now before he gets too attatched.

 

Thanks. I'm tested, yes. Nothing on me, they say and to be really frank, I haven't had as many sex partners as him. Right now he's trying to get the full works of STD testing done because he hasn't gone for one in a long time. Still, what does it matter, right? He has herpes and we both know this for sure. I don't know what I need... an HIV positive to really make me walk out the door? As tactless and crude as that sound sometimes I feel it's that way.

Thank you SO much for writing about your experience. I definitely appreciate it. I'm very sorry that it happened with your first sexual experience. I guess I am fortunate that he was truthful enough to tell me right from the get-go, so to speak. I think your husband has herpes even if it's only one outbreak, as far as I know/read/seen.

To be very honest, I feel angry and pissed off also now that I have this information and I'm the one expected to make a decision. He's a wonderful man, supportive, loving, warm. But why did he expect me to go along with it like it is nothing? Apparently his previous partners didn't make a big deal out of it and didn't think much of it. I asked him point blank how on earth that could be?? Why did they not care?

What on earth makes him think that I wouldn't care? That I would be like them?
______________________________

Tigerlily,

Thanks for your insight also. I should also explain that given the economics, and the differences in our lifestyle, the cold hard fact is that the chances of this man being "the man of my dreams" in the sense that I would actually settle down with him and ONLY him the rest of my life has chances of something like 0.5 to 1 million.

I guess it was pure sexual chemistry along with genuine care and affection in its most infantile stage. And to be very honest, we lust after each other. Right now we're separated by distance, lifestyle and simply, bad timing. He is tied to his daughters for the next 6-7 years. I'm starting out with my own career. There's very little meeting point except that it would have been wonderful to share each other in the time we have right now.

I also sincerely think we would have made each other very happy if there weren't so many things stacked against us. He feels the same way too. Our personalities match to a T and we enjoy the same humour, hobbies, pasttimes and continuously learn from each other. I haven't felt this wonderful being with someone, able to learn and be comfortable, and yet really TURNED ON by them.

I do think we could have worked out the distance eventually. I have no problem with his children or that he has a history or if we have to wait awhile. What does concern me is the health risk.

I think I'm also more interested in the logistics of herpes and how dating works between a person who has it and a person who does NOT have it. Is contracting it inevitable? Is there really no way to avoid it?

 

my point was being that it is a sexual disease, it isn't as if she couldn't have an otherwise normal relationship

but from reading later posts by her, my argument seems quite void int he situation

 

:leaving:

 

Okay. But I hope you don't mind me pointing this out.. you weren't exactly honest with your husband either when you first started dating. "super happy wonderful life" might not have happened? Would he have gone as far with you if he had known earlier? It's like it didn't ruin your life because you didn't let it and you weren't honest about it (regarding telling people) - know what I mean?

Really not judging or being mean here. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. Maybe I'm totally wrong. Just trying to understand.

 

Maybe if you hang on to things that happen in the past. Maybe things would have happened differently if I told him, but they didn't so why even waste time thinking about it? Live for today, not 4 years ago. LOL. If he did have an issue with it then I don't think we would have bothered with a relationship because I wouldn't have wanted to love someone who couldn't accept me for me.

If you want to start digging (after I was trying to be nice and help you) then why are you dragging your personal problems that you already have a bias about on the internet? I think your main issue is the way you handle things in general. You have a problem with this small detail of his life that doesn't have anything to do with him as a person but you think that you could have a normal healthy relationship with him?

And you are being judgemental because if you really love someone it doesn't matter what they have, what their beliefs are, nothing. There are obvisouly other underlying issues. If you don't want to be with him because he has a disease then maybe you should take your superficial self man hunting somewhere else.

:leaving:

 

My mother has had herpes since she was 17. She takes good care of her body, and her breakouts are few and far between. My parent's simply don't have sex when she's breaking out. they have been married for 30 years, and my dad still doesn't have it.

 

Wow. That's a little bitchy and unnecessary, don't you think? When I posted all this it was some weeks ago when I was going through a terrible turmoil. I tried to understand where you were coming from and I never attacked you in your posts. I politely called you out on your actions, and you became irate. Sorry if the truth hurts. I did not mean to offend you either way. You have to live with your own decisions.