well... i'm not really sure where to start. i'm not doing this for sympathy. neither am i doing this for reassurance from people i don't know and who don't know me. i guess the main reason for this is to have it down... somewhere... anywhere. maybe just for my sake. anyway, my name is Ryan we shall say. i live in this world i like to call reality. in this world i grew up on a nice waterfront house, with loving parents, a dog, 3 cats and everything a normal person should have. my friends were all normal " let's go biking along the tracks and climb the mountain" kinda friends. i was never emo. i was never obvious in anyway. i grew up in the church and believed every word of it blindly like so many children out there. i knew that gay people were evil and that there was no reason in the world why anyone should be gay or lesbian. it was unnatural and worthy of death. feared and hated among all those who were "real people". sure my sister used to dress me up in dresses back in ontario when i was 5 and younger but she was 4 years older and pretty bossy haha. my best friends were a guy named thomas (who i always ended up fighting with about stupid things) and a girl who lived nextdoor to me named megan (she was my best friend). i moved to nova scotia with my family when i was about 6 and became a part of the gang. i've never really had any problems fitting in with anyone (who isn't a complete moron at least) my friends were all people who were very level headed and would always be up for a good time. because of the small community i went through in elementary to the present i've kept all my good friends and we're all a lot alike. although there was a guy i used to be best friends with back through elementary school who i spent pretty much all of my time playing final fantasy like games in the woods and video game like adventures haha. it was kinda nerdy but everyone would join in every now and then for a game of terradactyl on the jungle gym now and then. in grade 6 though i started to get bored with the same boring style of games and how he never wanted to do anything when we weren't at school but play video games. that was when i started to hang out with the other guys ( in elementary we only had one class per grade so the guys were pretty much every other guy in the grade) and outside of school i would go hang out as normal. we always did this kinda stuff but i became an asshole to this friend of mine. we all did. we put him through a lot of torment and it wasn't because he was gay or anything. he was just small, pale, and kinda nerdy. i don't know why i did it but i did. we turned his life into hell. every lunch and recess it was like a game and i got caught up in it. i turned on my best friend and he had nobody else to rely on except some kid from the younger grade after we had put him through enough. we never really became close again but in highschool we all just kinda got over our differences and would be civil and make jokes again. it was the beginning of my internal torments. i have a problem, when i feel pain i become angry and it is always directed at myself. i try to keep my hate anger and fear launching against myself internally so that i don't lash out at my friends anymore and ruin even more people's lives. there is so much of it though that it boils over and hits the people i care about and ruins everything. i realize this is going on and on but i don't care. this is my life and i need to get it out. i was once asked out in grade 6 by this girl i didn't like and said i wasn't ready for dating. so to me it was like i needed to wait longer before i could expect to want to date and be into girls. after that year when we were moving from elementary to jr high everything was going normally. however i began to think about sex more often and it seemed like i was more interested in the guys in my thoughts. i just put that aside and assumed that when it happened i would be fine and everything would work out just like we were taught and it was natural. as this went on i began to question my thoughts and dreams. why was i feeling this ? what had i done to become a deviant and a dead end? why the fuck was god doing this to me? it took about 2 years and i was in grade 8 before i really knew what i was. anger overwhelmed me. hate and fear consumed my life and i hid away in my room playing final fantasy, starcraft, red alert, legend of dragoon, pokemon, anything to pass the time. i didn't go anywhere of my own will. i was still friends with the people i had always been but i didn't make any effort really to be in public. i made an oath to myself that i would never tell anyone ever. i knew that with the kinds of people in this world especially in such an old fashioned place like this that they would never be able to remain friends with me and i would become " that gay guy" so i remained hidden... even though i had been very religious in my life and had debated gods existance with many people and was even a sort of prophet throughout elementary, teaching those around me about the future and messages about the second coming and the signs like the horseless chariot, the rebuilding of the temple in jerusalem and many other things all of that had changed now. now i was the enemy. now i was the one that i hated, that i had preached against. i couldn't handle this hypocracy. i turned on god and became evil. i used any means to soil the name of religion. i would draw terrible pictures of death and suffering. mostly as jokes and things which we all did through stickmen and such. but i had completely flip-flopped. if god wasn't going to accept me, who had been practicaly a saint my entire life, never did drugs, booze, swore, anything... then he wasn't worthy of my faith or trust. neither were those ignorant fools who flocked to church every sunday to hear lies about how everyone should be the same, look the same, talk the same, act the same, create children the same, get married the same, have a family the same, get a job, get a life, get friends, get grandkids, and a million other things that should seem natural and nice. he left out one thing though... i am not the same, and i could never be. religion is flawed. it was created to suit the needs of those who wish to create empires under their image and maintain power and control. because people like myself are such a minority and the ones who are obvious are annoying, we became hated and feared. so i came to the conclusion that god was not real. how could he be? it was created first to control and second to give people hope when there is none. unless your gay. then they expect you to ship yourself off to an island and die with the other unwanted parts of society. anyway, to sum that i became an atheist. hate took the helm and i became a hermit. i have good friends though. they wouldn't let me stay in for too long. they would always be showing up at my door in a small group with their bikes or whatever ready to have fun. i couldn't say no and joined in. it became easier to be be less angry as i entered highschool and gained more friends. i was too busy and entertained to be angry. parties, joints, beer, excursions, chilling times, sutdy groups, adventures, rock climbing, swimming, biking, driving, skating, and pretty much the usual fun times in a high school. i never solved my issues with my sexuality however and still had never had a girlfriend or dated anybody really. there were a few makeout times at parties but... no barn raising from those damn amish people in my pants haha. so i just avoided the subject altogether and would work out ways to pass off awkard situations with my remaining hate and anger in the form of a joke or comicly insane antic. it was working pretty well. people seemed to like the crazy me that had developed in grade 9 and i just perfected it to a not so annoying version and a more friendly and funny one. well highschool has passed and i havenow entered my second year of university. nobody knows i am gay. i moved out of my parents place earlier this yea and now share a really nice house / apt. with these two ( striahgt) guys i'm good friends with. ne was in the army and is really logical and the other is a lazy stonner slob who sleeps allday hahaha. i'm kinda the in between one who can get along with anybody, take care of business but still get ripped and have a good time. things were going well. but like i said... i have a problem. throughout my life i have always been holding grudges. grudges against my friends for various reasons which they may have deserved. but i hold them for a long time and intensly. i know i shouldn't take it out on them and that it's really me just hating myself and the pot boiling over onto them. i fear that my hatred will destroy our relationships since i can never get over the hurt of betrayal. my father always used to say i would be too sensitive when something would go wrong and he is right. i take things to heart and it hurts me. although i have become very numb of empathy and even inconsiderate at times, it always comes back and when i see that i hurt a friend it hurts me 10 times more than when i hurt them. anyway there certainly is a lot of stories here and examples both in the past and recently i could list off but this is long enough as is. i often think about coming out to my friends... but the kind of life i am living.... the people i am with. i know that it would change everything. everytime i hear one of them say something like "that's gay" or "what a fag" or something unnecessarily hateful it shoves that feeling down a little more. through all my life i could see this far but no further. i knew where i was going and what to do. i also realize that it is human nature to find a nice girl, settle down, have kids, become friends with the parents of your kids friends, hang out with other people like you. the dads and moms. and i know that i will never be like any of them and that if i were to tell them they would feel uncomfartable and eventually phase me out. they wouldn't do it directly or say it was because of that... but it will still happen. i don't want to lose my friends or that life. i am having a good time being normal right now... or at least pretending to. but the hate... the anger and the fear... it's becoming stronger and stronger as i watch everyone change and become who they are going to be. i've been so close before. left parties to sit under the jungle gym in the freezing rain with no jacket or shoes, wandered away downtown from the bars alone to sob like a coward at the pier or in my room alone. it just keeps building, the frustration and saddness. i feel trapped and like no matter what i do i will be responsible for the destruction of our group and that if i just disappeared it would make everything better in the long run. i find that the dark thoughts, like suicide are becoming much more frequent and i've nearly done something stupid on several occasions. there is no way out for me. i think about what it would be like if i did come out and join the gay community and leave behind everything i have created here. how i would live a life as a girly boy and get ass fucked or fuck an ass and it makes me a little sick. i never wanted that. but i also don't have any interest in girls. i am so utturly normal that i fit in much better in the dtraight world than the gay one. i am a hybrid of sorts. too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight. there is no place for me along these shores... or anywhere for that matter. i am taking classes i have no interest in and have no real plan for a future. mainly because i honestly thought i would have killed myself before this. but here i am. still alive for some reason. am i to merely fade away and become a dead end in evolution? or am i to become a leader in the new world and serve a purpose which no one else could ever do. it seems hopeless and depressing at every turn and every face i see.there is no right answer. only death. death or fleeing and then that would give me a chance to become someone new. but change nothing. it's impossible for me to meet anyone i will ever have interest in because of the friends i have, but i wouldn't trade them for the world. which is exactly what i might be doing. i know what kind of answers to expect from a long and stupid confession like this. the usualy generic "you should tell your friends and they will have to accept you if they are any kind of friends" responses so please don't waste my time. i am unique. not like you and not like them. at this rate i will either leave the country or end my life. maybe i'll settle for that nightmare of truth and the hate and fear will all be directed at me once and for all. then because i take things to heart i am sure that it will destroy me. so there is no way out. i don't expect you to care. and i don't really expect anything for that matter. like i said... i don't know why i'm writing this... just to have it somewhere... anywhere.
You write well and with a great power that can come only from great and lonely pain. As I read I thought somehow I must have written my own feelings many years ago and now they were manifesting here. Betrayed by everything that should be right and simple and sweet. Denied the recognition of value as a person, never permited a sheepish smile as you held hands with someone you loved. Never blessed by church, state or society as you planned to dedicate your life to the boy who made you proud and happy, made you feel complete. You have, instead, been poisoned by the social institutions that should help provide your foundation. You believe yourself to be a creature uniquely wretched with no place in a healthy world. Please know you are valueable. You tonight have pushed an old man into reflection of that same existential pain carried just under the surface all these years. I wish you the best, I wish you the love you fear can never be. I wish you long, happy years of knowing you have great worth. Please take care young soul, you are necessary to help make a balence in a mad world. Your time has yet to come but it will. You will find another young soul who will make your soul ring. Que te vaya bein, Steve
your writing is beautiful. it almost made me cry. it reminded me a lot of the pain that I went through and am still going through. I don't know what you expect to hear, but I will share some thoughts with you that have helped me in the past. I've found that adjusting your thinking slightly can have a huge impact on every moment. - It takes courage to be who you are. I try, and I am out, but I still break down crying sometimes simply because of how different I feel sometimes. It isn't easy, but I have never looked back. - I would not deserve my life if I didn't have the courage to try to be who I was born to be. - A life that revolves around being what others want it to be is a waste. There is beauty in difference. - Do all things with love. When I start to see the good that my actions do, the good that is all around me, I start to see the good that is within me. It's the thought behind every ordinary action. I, along with everybody else on here, want you to heal. I dont' know what else to say, but if you ever feel like you need somebody anonymous to talk to, you can talk to me. I sincerely mean it. I care, maybe more than you can realize. But in your pain, I see a shadow of mine. I see the shadows of the pain that every other homosexual I know has gone through, and it hurts me to see you go through it too, especially to such a large extent.
That was alot of reading I couldnt finish it all however, you have an interesting life. What really caught me in the eye was that you are an atheist, good for you. I myself believe there is a god but I dont believe in the bible because its to much of a storybook. Sorry for sounding ignorant I am new here, how do you start a thread.
I feel you, I am truly saddened by what you have suffered through, no one should have to hate any part of themselves like that. I have gove through similar things, although I am a bit younger, I am an athiest, raised in a strict catholic home, I have suffered from mild depression off and on and can be very anti-social at times, but recently I have stopped denying my sexuality, first to myself and recently to friends and family I trust. This has changed things a great deal, I have been happier, healthier, more social, and braver. This happened when a close Bi friend of mine whom I have known for years, and I talked. He told me to stop being afraid and avoiding confrontation (which I didn't even realize I had done so much) I avoidined confronting my personal self with the outside world. I have been much, much better. So please, come out (women tend to be more accepting in my experience), and have a little pride if you can. Don't keep hiding yourself, what have you to lose? Sure some of your friends will distance themselves, but I'm sure you will find some who are completely accepting. I know this may sound generic, but it's the only option, if you continue as you are you will be internally conflicted, and probably miserable, or commit suicide. Please, at least talk to someone confidentially (online if you want) and talk things out, work out your problems, then, chances are, it will be easier to come out. Good luck, and again, so sorry you have had to go through this.
