Very sorry for the double post but I think I posted this initially in the wrong forum (Love forum, http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=218435) since the relationship obviously hasn't gotten to boiling "love" point and I'm just seeing, getting to know this man. Please bear with me. I noticed the Love forum, while having great insights from some, rather bordered on the over-romantic and I didn't get a balance in the replies although I appreciate all of them. So. Here is my situation for everyone. ____________________________ Hi Everyone, I've been MIA from hipforums for awhile due to life being insanely crazy at the moment with work and school. I recently got out of a long term relationship and have been casually seeing someone new. He just admitted to me that he has the herpes simplex virus. While I'm thankful for his honesty, I'm angry and torn. We've formed an emotional bond and have had a wonderful time together. None of our interactions have been sexual thus far and I guess it was nearly time to sort of move on to the next level. Then this sort of broke out in the open. I've tried to do my best in reading and finding out more about this STD and the results aren't too optimistic as there still is no known cure. It's depressing, painful and it's started to put a definite strain on the relationship that I never could have anticipated. I've not dated someone with an STD before nor have I been infected in the past. He's not pressuring me for anything and he's been very fair, saying that if I can't be with him, he understands and there is no hard feelings. He just wants me to be comfortable in whatever I do and wants me to be happy. I know there is also great emotional and psychological guilt and it's taking its toll on him too. He mentioned trying to get in touch with others who are infected and at least trying to get to know or date people in that community, so to speak, prior to knowing me. But there was nothing, and it seems like people are reluctant to come out about such things. This turned out to be a longer post than I expected so thank you to whoever reads this. He is going to go for a full check up tomorrow, including blood tests for all STDS. I can't put into words how saddening and painful this is - how could a mistake or an experience, now 22 years ago for him, still have an impact decades later? I don't need the lecture about condoms. Herpes can be spread with condoms. I guess I just needed a place to talk about it. If anyone can help me with insights, where to read, where to go or even to suggest if ending it with this man is my only option, I would appreciate any feedback. At this point I'm just trying to stay focussed on work and school also. On Thursday, in 2 days, I'm going to consult a physician on all my questions regarding infections from herpes etc.
I am sure not everyone will agree but personally I couldn't do it. I would be afraid the relationship would end anyway so why take the chance of getting something that could effect you the rest of your life. I don't think I could ever be comfortable sexually in this situation which is bound to strain the relationship.
Thanks Haid. I understand all too well those feelings. Sometimes I feel resentful already but I have to understand it (he first getting infected) happened 22 years ago when he was 18. No one asks for these things and I'm just sad that someone has to live with this kind of stigma or be deprived of a greater sense of love or being loved just because of something like this. Again, thanks anyway. I'm still thinking things through.
Hannah - herpes is a very common STD these days, and the fact that he told you before you went too far sexually is proof that he loves you and does not want to hurt you. It probably hurt him a lot to have to tell you, but he had the courage to do so. As I understand herpes, the risk to you is when he has outbreaks, and not at all times. But check with a doctor to see what protective measures you should take if you want to continue the relationship.
Good post. The first part that is. The second paragraph I'm unsure about. I seem to recall reading that you could get herpes break out or no break out. But you should get the most informed opinion you can get from a professional. Is it genital or oral herpes we're talking about here? I don't think I would expose myself to the risk unless the doctors see a way around it. Whatever your decision, commend him for his courage and honesty, and do remain friends with him. People have emotional needs as well as affectionate ones. Even if you feel angry at him that he didn't tell you earlier (you should give voice to those feelings as well). As for his case, there is nothing impossible about getting into a relationship with someone who also has herpes. Good luck!
BS... there is -always- a risk to spread with genital herpes, it's just significantly increased during an outbreak. Condoms aren't a guaranteed protection either so it's not recommended for people with genital herpes to engage in any sexual acts during an outbreak, even with condoms (well, perhaps performing oral/manual sex on your lady would be an exception, assuming you didn't have oral herpes aka cold sores as well)
All right I feel compelled to share my experiences: The love of my life contracted genital herpes after we broke up. Well we got back together and she was honest about her situation. This was the love of my life so I rolled the dice. We had plenty of sex while using condoms. We never had sex if there was any sign of 'outbreaks'. Outbreaks are different for different people but my experience was that she almost never had outbreakes. I would say once a year. Well to wrap up this story, we eventually broke up (I'm a dumbass). I went to see the doctor and as I expected came back STD free. It's been 10 years now and I have been checked a bunch of times since then...herpes free! So that's my story. Was I lucky? I suppose so. Would I risk it again for her? Hell yes! I still say you shouldn't go there. I mean if you are 30 years old and ready to marry him then screw it...go for it. Anything short of a life's commitment and it wouldn't be worth the risk.
