feeling rather underappreciated (and undersexed)

howdy.
so i've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. honestly, i never even thought that i'd see him again after meeting him (i thought it was just gonna be a one night stand) but we ended up randomly meeting at a bar again and from then, it was history.
one night stand included, we used to have sex once at night when i stayed and at least twice in the morning.. it was heavenly... now that we've been together for four months, i feel like i have to beg him to fuck me. granted, he does love morning sex... but it feels like a relief for his morning wood more than anything...
i have been called a sex addict in the past by my exes... one of my exes even made me buy a vibrator because i guess he couldn't keep up.
so that's one of the problems.. i feel like i don't turn him on anymore. i wear sexy undies... i give him the horny look... i kiss his ears neck etc... but alot of the time, it just doesn't seem to work
i don't think he appreciates me at all.
plus, he seems to get angry with me more often. usually when we go out drinking he'll say "i'm sorry i've been so moody lately. i've just been stressed with work, etc.. blah blah blah" so i know he's been stressed. when he's drunk, we have a great time because he loosens up and relaxes alot. plus, i think this chitown winter is gettin him down.. i don't know.
i just don't know how to make him happy (and horny) again.
i feel like he's going to break my heart soon. when i ask him what's goin on he just says "i really don't know what you're talkin about"
he is much older than me (ten years) but i don't think this has anything to do with it.
he seems depressed. not himself.. i don't know.
i don't want to get into the "what are you thinking" talk with him. i just want to have fun with him again! i want to have great sex again. i don't know what to do! help!

 

please?...

 

It seems that you have quite an addiction to sex. Sometimes it is healthy to go without it for a while, and to get back in touch with your friendship. If this is purely a sexual relationship then it may not work. If you want to get the "fun" back into it, then try some new things. He may be bored of the "same old same old". If it worked before, then it can work again.

If this relationship is more than just sex, then you need to look at yourself. Find things that you can do (other than sex) that are enjoyable. Sometimes those things lead to sex. The more you have sex without reason, the more it becomes unreasonable. Talk to him and find out what he wants, and find out what he needs. Men can be very stubborn, and very blinded. Obviously you enjoy the sex more than he does... maybe there is something you can do to make it better for him???

Personally, I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 months, and we have had sex only twice. Once, a month into it, and second time a couple of weeks ago. She is the type that does not like sex that much.. and I am the sex addict. So if I have any advice for you... just take it easy. Learn to cope with the feeling that you can't have sex every time you want it, but when it does happen, do what it take to make it more enjoyable for BOTH of you. Does that help?

 

ok, i don't have that much experience, but i'll give it a try

I don't understand one thing, do you love him, and do you want to have a serious relationship with him, or just to have fun?

I just got out of a year long relationship and the biggest problem and cause for the break up was comunucation. So if you want a reall relationship you really need to talk to him, work things out. Maby he is really stressed out, maby he has some good reason for feeling depresed. Be his friend, not his lover, maby he needs that right now.

If you just want to get some fun, and get to things how it used to be, try to get him distracted. Don't ackt like before, change something, i don't know, make him go out in some new place, go out and make new friends, drink some new alchochol lol

 

thanks guys. well, i don't love him yet seeing as how we have only been together for four months.. but i could see this going somewhere and i think he sees that too.
and it's not just about sex. it's more than that. i really like him. he really likes me. i guess we just need to do without the sex for a bit... i don't really know.
but thanks for the advice!

 

You're not a sex-addict at all. Your initial post also refers to a desire for greater communication, emotional availability, companionship, shared experiences, etc.


First of all, I was your guy. I've been in a relationship that flattened out because I distanced myself emotionally. And I have tremendous remorse because I do love my ex-girlfriend. She's a fascinating woman, but I didn't know any better, neither did she. So here's a few tips:

1) Understand the mediocrity of your sex life as a symptom (not the cause) of poor communication, lack of shared experiences, emotional availability, etc. It's not a matter of dressing in sexy lingerie. (This is why, incidentally, the morning sex is unfulfilling for you --- because he's got an ulterior motive - his mood - other than being with you);

2) You cannot change people. My ex-girlfriend was very agressive in trying to regain the kind of relationship we had in the beginning. She tried doing many nice things for me, and look sexy, etc. And you know what? It made it worse... I felt the pressure to offer an emotional availability that I was just not able to offer at that moment. And the more pressure I felt, the more distant I became;

3) Instead, take a step back, dissociate yourself from any emotional dependence you may have towards him, and communicate to him, flatly, just how dissatisfied you are (chances are you're more hurt and dissatisfied than you admit to yourself and to us in your post);

4) Allow him the time to reflect on the relationship and decide whether he's got an interest in you and your problems (I'm assuming you have 'em like everybody else) or not. Don't try to sway his feelings for you, either way. Give him room. Don't dress in sexy undies, don't kiss him on the neck, don't ask him how's work, don't be ultra-sensitive to his mood, until he reciprocates. Until he initiates. Until he asks questions and shows an interest in things specifically related to you and your life, not his own belly-button. And if he doesn't, allow him the freedom to say "no";

5) Don't do things for him that he isn't willing to do for you. That simple. And tell him that's what you're doing. Otherwise it'll be a churlish gimmick. Simply say, "I've been getting the short end of the stick and this isn't going on any longer."

None of what I said should be construed as manipulation. This is not some gimmick or technique "to get your man to pay more attention to you." That you can probably get in one of these silly women's magazines.

What I'm saying speaks to something more complex. It speaks to mutuality. Right now, since you're doing things for him, and being sensitive towards him, and initiating all interaction between the two of you, you're putting yourself in the position of the giver. Whereas he is putting himself in the position of the receiver. Usually that is linked to gender roles, unfortunately.

Tell him that, and give him time to assess for himself, whether he wants a mutually satisfying relationship or not. If he doesn't, you should eventually consider being with someone who does.

I am now involved with someone who's been distant towards me, so I've seen both sides of the coin. And now I'm stating to her that until she's more attentive towards my needs, she shouldn't expect much from me, either.

Ultimately what it comes down to is whether a relationship is mutual in nature, or whether one of the parties is putting the other in his/her pocket. Take 'em out when you need him or her, put 'em back when you don't.

Communication and mutuality are king! Good luck and let us know how it's going.

 

thanks! great advice!