This is a serious post, and I would appreciate only serious replies please. To start off, I am in a serious relationship with my girlfriend. We met about 4 months ago, and have spent nearly every day together. We have never argued or been in a fight. We have reached a point where we are entirely comfortable with eachother; we can and do tell eachother everything. We trust eachother completely. Our relationship is perfect in almost every aspect except for one... sex. We have only had sex two times, and both times it wasn't easy. The problem is on her end, and not mine. She claims to always have "never really enjoyed sex" and doesn't get any fulfillment from it (not just with me, but with all her past partners as well). It has nothing to do with my ability to perform, but rather, she says she just doesn't "get horny". Because of that, she tends to get dry during sex and it becomes irritating and sometimes painful. I suggested the use of a lubricant and she thinks it is a good idea. I have also suggested that we try new things such as a vibrator, new positions, etc. She is open to the suggestion and says that she is willing to try. However, it is extremely difficult to get her in the mood to even think about having sex. She is not afraid of it, and wishes that she enjoyed it more. I have tried various things to get her in the mood like: Playfull flirting such as tickling, romantic approaches such as a candle light dinner, deep talks, making-out and kissing her all over, a bottle of wine and a night alone, etc. None of my approaches seem to get her in the mood. She enjoys every one of them, but when it comes down to it... she would rather cuddle, kiss, and go to sleep... leaving the sex out of it. It's almost impossible to get her sexually excited. Most of the time my approaches end up with her response being "not tonight". She knows that I am somewhat "sexually frustrated" and also knows that I am OK with that. I have talked to her about improving our sex life, and I know it won't just happen overnight. I feel that she has to at least be willing to try new things before we can figure out what excites her and works for her. We have brought up the idea of seeing a sexual therapist, but don't think it is necessary (or affordable at this point in time). With valentine's day coming up, I would like to make it "special" if you catch my drift. Does anyone out there have any ideas that might help our situation? I am sure time and patience is part of the answer, but I just wonder if someone out there might have a little more insight on this type of problem. Just how might I get her in that "mood"?
Well have you guys thought about a sex therapist? She apparently has an issue of trust, and won't allow herself to be vulnerable in that way. Has she ever tried to masturbate while alone and see what happens?
Jefftbell - I am a lay sex therapist, and have helped many couples over the past 20 years with various sexual problems. For Valentine's Day, take her to a nice dinner, with good wine, and flowers, and then set up a romantic, private place to make love. Put on some good music (I like a CD by Jeanne Newhall called "Wild Blue" - you can get it on Amazon.com and Borders). Take a bath together, and soap each other up, and follow it with a long, sensual body massage of her, ending by giving her oral. If you don't know already, find key zones on her body - every woman is different, and stroke or suck or lick them. 25% of all women never get an orgasm, 25% only through manual stimulation, 25% through intercourse and manual, and only 25% through intercourse alone. If you can get her to allow it, go inside her vagina with your clean and clipped and lubricated index and middle fingers, palm up, her on her back, butt on a pillow, and you on your back between her legs, and find the g spot 2-3 inches in on the underside of her pubic bone in the middle of her vaginal wall. Do a "come hither" motion with your fingers, and you might lightly stimulate her clitoris at the same time. Do this for several minutes. I bet your woman has never had an orgasm - once she gets one, she will never go back to her former life. A woman can have multiple orgasms, and once you have done it manually, enter her with your penis, very well lubricated. The missionary position, with her butt stlll on the pillow, is probably best. Let me know how it goes, or PM me if you want.
I appreciate the suggestions. There are a few kinks to work out, but I am sure they will help. To start, I have already tried the romantic approach with dinner, wine, flowers, candlelight, music, etc. The problem was that it just didn't get her in the mood. Before sex was even brought up, all I tried to do was take her clothes off, which was a task in itself. The problem is getting her in the mood for it. The romantic night set a great mood, and there was a physical connection because of it... however it was not a sexual connection. You are right, she has never had an orgasm. She doesn't think that she is capable, and doesn't want to try it on her own via masterbation. It is something that I am going to have to give to her. I have told her that her opinion of sex and the enjoyment thereof could be greatly changed by the experience of an orgasm. She is not afraid to have sex and try new sexual things such as oral, however, the problem is getting her in the mood. I will try the g-spot suggestion... and see where it takes us. As for the romantic night... I am not sure if that will hit her mood or not since it has been done before, but it is always worth another shot. She is just one of those people that tends to be content without sex.
I still need suggestions. I have tried the romantic approach and it doesn't quite work. It gets her in the mood to cuddle and kiss, but not much more. I need help with getting her in the mood for sex... or even just foreplay. Every time I try to take off her clothes or do anything sexual, she says "not tonight", even if the mood is perfect. How do I get past that? I dont' want to force her into anything, I just want to be able to pleasure her... and for her to accept it. Why is she so stubborn to take her clothes off? I have been with many women, and none have been this difficult to get "in the mood" for physical things.
Has she ever had a traumatic sexual experience? While you say you are open and honest with eachother, this is a possiblity. I had a forced oral situation long ago that turned me off on sex. It took my boyfriend many many tries to get me even slightly open to the possibility of trying it again, but he succeeded. If this is not the case then I wish you luck.
Ok, first you don't have a completely open relationship with someone you have known for four months. Thats not even enough time to get to know the person they pretend to be much less what they don't like to show. Personally, I just don't think you are listening to her. She told you she doesn't enjoy sex all that much. It could be because of a lot of reasons. What you have to ask yourself is can I be with someone who doesn't like sex, not how you will change her. By the way you won't change her most likely. So put sex on the back bunner and be with her or try to find a woman that has everything you need to start with. Trying to change someone is a dead end road my friend.
