I didnt know where i should post this, i figured womens issues would be best because this deals with me and my mom, and I know most of you wonderful women are mothers. My story starts with my parents getting a divorce. Its kind of a nasty divorce because my mom had an affair on my dad with one of his best friends. After this happened i didnt know how to trust my mom, i hated her for what she did, i couldnt believe how she could do this not only to my dad, but how much it effected my sister and I. Before the divorce me and my mom were very close. I went everywhere with her, shopping, to my grandmas, just spending time with her. I guess you could say she was one of my best friends, but she was also the best mom. She would do anything for me. She was also there for me to talk to and make me feel alright. -my problem is now my dad hates her, wants nothing to do with her which i can understand. She broke his heart many times and personally i think cheating is the lowest thing anyone can ever do to someone. My dad doesnt want me talking to my mom, and when I do, its like he get jealous or somethin and says "oh so you think what she did to us was ok? So you think IM the piece of shit and now ur just goin on ur moms side" I feel i need help to have closure with my dad so he will be alright with me finally mending my relationship with my mom -my sister wont talk to my mom, and doesnt want me to be close to her either because she used to be the person we always told everything to, and the fact that she was lying about cheating and hid it for so long, i dont think my sisters ever been sooo hurt in her life. -But what my dad and doesnt understand is that even though my mom did have an affair, SHE'S STILL MY MOTHER and i love her for that. Its so hard to not have her in my daily life like she used to be. Ive tried to adjust to it, but im just so sad inside from this. I cant even hold back the tears as im typing this thinking about her. I wanna feel like its okay to forgive her, but my dad and sister are holding me back. I can see me not being as close to my mom is really making her depressed and i cant stand seeing her miserable. --- I wanted to post this thread because i wanted to get views from the mothers, and daughters out there. What would you do if you cheated on ur husband and felt like you lost your family? and if it was your mother, how did you cope with it, how did u react, is it okay to not forgive her for cheating, but still have the same close relationship that we still did?? I need a mom in my life, and with her being sick all the time i feel awful for not being able to see her and take care of her because my dad cant get over the whole situation. I dont think they new how much this really tore my up inside. I feel depressed and lonely and usually im such a happy person. But you need to understand, no one will ever love you as much your mother.
Take a few extra steps to make sure your dad still feels loved and that he still has family, tell him every day how you appreciate him and love him. He feels like he is losing family, so let him know what he's got. My mother cheated on my father and it caused the end of their relationship as well. My dad did have a lot of hard feelings (still does) and there were many times that my sisters and I felt stuck in the middle. However, he has never insisted that we cut our mom out of our lives. But for your dad the wounds are still raw and sore right now, and your he is going to be very sensitive. You just need to tell him that regardless of what she did she is still your mother and you love her and that both their behavior is hurting you right now. It will take a while for your dad to get over the situation, but you aren't going to help it by giving into his irrational idea that you shouldn't communicate with your mom, or that communicating with your mom somehow means you don't love HIM. He'll get it eventually, and if he doesn't at least you've done what you can. I'm sorry for what you are going through, I can empathize completely. It does get better though, just takes time.
when next he asks if you condone her actions for talking to her, say something like "No I don't think what she did was right, but she's my mother, she's the woman who gave birth to me and was my best friend for x years and raised me. I can't just ignore all that, even if you two are having serious problems" It is absolutely unequivocally unfair for him to be asking you to sever all contact with your mother when you don't want to. You are not their middle ground to fight over, you should not be forced to take sides.
If family counseling is an option, I think it might be a helpful one. Everyone getting their issues out in the open so they can get worked on might make a difference. When are parents going to understand that their hatchlings are people and not territory?
Your mother's love changed for your father but not for you or your sister. Your dad is hurt and understandably so, BUT he needs to take into consideration your and your sister's best interest. I don't think it's right that he is trying to get you and your sister to pick sides because she will be your mother forever and he will be your father forever. To bottle up anger against your mother can be really hurtful not only to your mother but to yourself too. This situation does effect you and your sister a great deal, but it's your parents battle---not yours. As much as you love your father, you are not responsible for his happiness or the lack there of. My father was and continues to be a habitual cheater in all aspects of life. My mother divorced him when I was quite a few years younger then yourself, but I still hold bitterness how he treated my mother, sister and I. I don't have a relationship whatsoever with him, and it really hurts me. I would give anything to have a "father daughter relationship" but I know it can never be. So my advice is this: don't stop loving your mother and don't stop loving your dad. You need to cope with your anger/sadness/whatever emotions you are feeling, whether by talking with your parents/counselor or simply writing how you feel but get it out, because I find it actually helps. ***HUGS*** I hope all goes well, in the end, for you, your sister, mom, and dad.
Thanks everyone **HUUUGGSSS** to you all haha Ive told him everything you guys gave me advice about and tried talking to him. He seems to be a little more understanding, but he just cant get over that little bump. I was just having a really hard day that day, and your kynd words helped. Hopefully him finding a girlfriend will get his mind off my mom peace and much love
You and your parents have to realize that this is between them. It's not your job to fix the way your dad feels about your mom. Explain to him how you understand how he feels betrayed, etc. but it's ultimately his problem and you shouldn't be stuck in the middle feeling as if you have to choose. I understand you don't trust your mom as much anymore, but she didn't cheat on you. She did someone horrible that ultimately broke up your family. BUT, there were obviously underlying problems in the relationship to begin with.
I'd say this sounds like a father-daughter issue more than a mother-daughter issue. Yeah, your mother cheated....ON YOUR DAD, NOT YOU! I understand that you're feeling betrayed, and thats ok, but just know that she didn't betray you. As much as you are still her daughter she is still your mother, nothing will ever change that. Your father is not right for asking you to sever all ties with your mother, that is just causing you more pain, it isn't helping the situation. As much as you all feel that you might be losing your family, think of how she feels. No, what she did isn't right by any means, I'm strongly against it, but she didn't do it to you and now she's losing everyone she loves. My father cheated on my mother waaaay back and they got divorced when I was about 12. No, my father and I don't have the best relationship, but it isn't because he cheated. Yes it has given me some insecurities in relationships, but my real issue is that he let me think their break up was my moms fault and then abandond my brother and I, told us he was going to disown us and doesn't make an effort to see us. He has a new family now, and that's ok....but I'm not mad at him for cheating, because parents don't cheat on their kids, they cheat on their spouses. You are allowed to be mad at your mom for breaking up your family, but tell her instead of just cutting her out of your life which I know you don't really want to do. She needs to know how this has effected you and that it might not be the same between you two, she'll have to deal with that for the rest of her life. Everyone is in pain in this situation, alienating yourself from her won't help.
I would tell your dad that yes you believe that your mom was wrong for cheating however she is still your mother and you should still be aloud to have a close relationship with her. You understand that she hurt him terribly and that it will take forever for him to move on from this but it is unfair that he takes it out on you when you have done nothing wrong. A girl needs her mother when it is possible for that parent to be in here life there are things in life that a girl just does better in life talking to mom about. Let him know that just because you want a relationship with your mom does not mean that you love him anyless and he is not losing you in anyway andthat you are not tajing sides. Also gently remind him that your parents issues are just that their's you do not need to be put in the middle like a peice of rope they can play tug of war with. You love them both and that they need to let you have a relationship with both of them without making you feel guilty about have that relationship with each of them. I have been in you shoes it is not fun and when it came to a head with the tug of war over me I was not as nice as I am suggesting you be on dealing with it I completely lost my head my da had came to pick me up and they started fughting I was 17 at the time and I just lost it and started screaming at them and told them that if they were only setting pick up times for me when they were both present then don't bother at at all because I wasn't going to listen to them do this anymore. I was very mean mouthed and said things I probably shouldn't have but it was they only way to get through to those two. They finnally got that it was affecting me in a negative way. In the end after that the next yearthey decided they wanted to work thing out and remarry each other and so life was back to what they call normal and some would say that at times with the mouth my father hase when he is nad you get a glimps of hell. Good luck to you I hope you find the right way for you to get through to you oarents os that they lessen the stress you are having put apon you. Sorry for any typos my spelling is off as usual, that is just me.
when a married parent cheats, that parent cheats on the whole family. for all of this, it's just going to take time. she has to earn your forgiveness and trust back. it is unfair of your father to expect you to cut off all relations with your mother, but in the heat of this situation, that's not unusual. you, your sister and your father need to seek counseling to work your way through this particular problem. my father and mother divorced viciously. he was a rampant cheater and mean to boot. it caused a lot of pain when i decided to renew contact with my father. but i had to tell my mother that it had nothing to do with my love for her and more witht he fact that despite everything, i've forgiven my father and still love him. it's not a disloyalty to one parent, but a continuing love for the other. good luck. love doesn't die just because someone makes a mistake.
