First few poems - good?

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by SlushieMushies, Feb 23, 2007.

  1. SlushieMushies

    SlushieMushies Member

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    This one is alright, seems like its lacking though. Its just a quick thing i did during class.

    <NO TITLE>
    Heightened awareness

    Slight euphoria

    I am about to lose my mind.



    Changes in perception

    New body sensations

    I wonder what I’ll find.



    I peak.

    I freak.

    I’m in a new world.



    What is this?

    What is that?

    My thought pattern is swirled.



    Not sure what is going on

    But happy with it at the same time

    The peak is still going strong.



    Colors are bright.

    Intense light.

    A journey – 6 hours long.

    Sit back, relax, and play your favorite song



    This one is about liking straight guys, unfortunately.

    <Silly Joe>

    Fanciful thoughts invade my mind
    And I instantly melt into a puddle.
    But if only you were one of my kind,
    So we could make-out and cuddle.

    You play these games that fool me
    And convince me of your false orientation
    But after some thought I can finally see
    It was my own mental manipulation

    Yet these games continue on;
    promiscuous hand placements lowers my gay-defenses
    and makes my pants a ticking time bomb
    thus my hormones disillusions my senses.

    So I question your orientation once more
    making this dreaded cycle repeat
    Will I ever get to score?
    or must I admit defeat?


    And this one is just about my confused sexuality =/

    G.rab S.ome B.oobs/G.rab S.ome B.alls

    Gay, Straight, or Bi?
    The question of my life.
    Do I want a guy,
    Or do I want a wife?

    Do I like the snake,
    Or do I like the bush?
    Would I want to take,
    Or would I want to push?

    Maybe I like both of them
    And will take what I find
    but, even though I like men,
    I don't want it in the behind.

    Although I find girls cute,
    I don't have that desire.
    I wont stick it in their chute
    unless they first light my fire

    So it seems someone's personality
    Is what I'm really after.
    So why define sexuality?
    My orientation shouldn't matter!




    Opinions?
     
  2. guinea

    guinea Member

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    i like the poetry, the first one sounds like a radical lsd trip, the other two where very erotic, i like your style, you definately kept me interested and got me a little turned on.

    free love for all
     
  3. WolfLarsen

    WolfLarsen Member

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    Hello Slushie Mushie.

    I thought your first poem was terrific for somebody starting out. And you can bet that many people who later became great Poets wrote bad poetry at first - but that first poem was better than a lot of poems I see on the Internet.

    I liked the first poem because it feels more contemporary. The only thing I liked about the next two poems was the open sexuality.

    It is my own belief that the rhyme is dead in poetry. The rhyme in poetry has been so overused over time that it sounds forced and stale. But write whatever you want.

    Cheers!

    Wolf Larsen
     
  4. WolfLarsen

    WolfLarsen Member

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    And don't let the world's bigots stop you from being open about your sexuality. Go ahead and feel free to be out and in the open in your writing! Homosexuality is natural - and so is bisexuality!

    Cheers!

    Wolf Larsen
     
  5. SlushieMushies

    SlushieMushies Member

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    Thanks guys, I know rhyming isn't the best thing in the world for poetry but I am not too good at writing other kinds. I'm sure it will come to me in due time.

    I had a coffee so I felt like writing that first poem, then since i was in a poem mood I decided to write about things that bothered me, which was obviously my sexuality confusion and liking straight (or not???) guys.

    Hopefully i will have inspiration for another poem in the near future.

    once again, thanks for your replies
     
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