I dont know if anyone is really gonna understand this, and i have a.d.d. so bear with me if i go in different directions here and there. I just turned 40 last month, the last 17 years i lived in Michigan. Ive always been a wanderer and never stayed in one place too long except there, and i dont know why. I have no family to speak of, my friends have always been my fam. I lived on the streets for 8 years during my teens and early 20's. Now i find myself in Portland Oregon and i really dont know why. I just packed up some things and left Michigan 4 weeks ago. I really like it here and im looking for work but something is missing and i cant really put my finger on it. The last time i was on the west coast i was 22 and wanted to hook up with the Family but really didnt have a clue at that age and wound up going to Michigan instead. Now im back. Im tired of the life ive been living the past 20 years. Im alone and free, but i dont feel free. I feel trapped in this life ive been living and want out, but i dont know how. I dont do well at paying bills or rent. Ive always teetered on the edge of homelessness and never felt secure and maybe im not supposed to. I feel drawn to this forum more and more lately, but i still dont know what to do. Im very, very lost. Inside and out. I quit drinking 4 years ago because i dont like the taste or smell anymore, and i quit cigs 3 years ago for obvious reasons and i havent smoked a bowl since the day before my b-day(jan 27). Its been 20+ years since ive gone this long with out my best friend mary jane, she's been the only constant in my life. The only thing stable, always there. Now i find myself quitting to get a job and it doesn't feel right, hell nothing feels right. I dont even know what im looking to find from this post but THIS feels right to me right now. Im so confused, and i hope havent confused you too. I have some skills now like plumbing among many other talents but never feel as though im doing these things for the right reasons. I want to help others but feel as though i cant even help myself most of the time. I just feel like a lost soul in limbo not knowing where to go and no one to give me any direction. Im 40 years old with no direction, im just very lost. To be continued....
dude understand it? u have no idea...ok..1st..happy b-day mine was the day after yours...maybe hours difference who knows.. ive always been a wanderer & always get sucked back here.. heres where we differ a bit ..i was on the streets a few too but found family whejn i was like 19...& been tryin to live both in babylon & on the road at gatherings & stuff but always in babylon having everything i owened stolen ovrer & over.. & yea now im on that edge agauin at least for electric i hope i can keep my plwce till spring..lol i'm glad u came i also quite everything but a blunt now & then..... pots probly not bad for u but neither is a cleanin out.. i quite alchahol & drugs Xcept weed like way back 18 or so years packed alot into s few dangerouse years then realized it wasnt much fun kickin myself in the head anymore ..finaly quite beedies 2 months ago.. & nope not confused i understand.... your not lost anymore, your right herel,,But yes... please continue..& welcome home
Thanks my friend, and happy b-day to you also. Tho i really just feel like a piece of a puzzle thats in the wrong box, and after 40 years you would think that i would have found my "box" already. And maybe I had and it was taken away from me. See in Michigan there was a place called Rainbow Farm campground, a beautiful place full of great people, owned and ran by 2 of the nicest people ive ever met. Let me give a little history of the farm. Tom Crosslin and Rollie Rohm owned and ran the place. It was named one day while they were walking the farm after a rain shower and saw a double rainbow while thinking of a name. Tom was a freedom minded kind of dood and thought it was every mans right to be able to do what they please on his or her land. He believed that marijuana should be legal for adults and began to hold huge hemp rallies on the farm, pissing of the the local D/A. I posted a thread on what exactly happened, but to make it short, the D/A pushed them into a corner and Tom came out fighting for what he thought was right and was killed by the FBI and Rollie was killed the next day by the state police, 1 week before 9/11 so the story was buried and never heard, here is a link to the main story http://www.always420forum.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1062 anyhow this is where i felt at home, welcome and among friends. I was not there, or I should say the farm wasnt there long enough for me to have really called it home but every chance i had i was at the farm. Ever since then ive been searching for that feeling again and it eludes me. I just dont know where i fit and im getting tired of looking, well maybe not tired of looking but just tired. To be continued...
Brother your not alone at all. You make me feel better, cause I have no clue what I want. I stay confused. I know that my rainbow family is a big part of my life and my kiddo's but thats about it. I have been in school for about 4 years, and I am just now getting an associates degree, I think they are just giving it to me cause I've been there so long. But I still don't know what I want to do. I have had about 30 jobs over the last few years (litterally). I work, go to school and raise my kids. But I am still lost. There seems to be a big hole with something missing, but I don't know what. I guess that we keep searchin and maybe we'll know when we find it. Good luck brother, I hope you find what you need. Luv & Lite
Thanks Sweet Pea, I guess im lucky that I dont have the responsibilities that some do and can just go when I want. I never finished high school because of my home life, I had to get away at 16. I just dont know.
THe collective dysfunction is real for so many of us. We try to come out of it and keep getting sucked back in. so that's OKAY as long as we keep beiing honest with ourselves and real as we can possible be. If we can keep stepping up from our deep place and tell our truths to others with our whole hearts and minds and souls then there is REAL POSSIBILITIES>>>>>WOW. Thank you plumberjohn69 dude for the risk . If you every cut thru north missouri try and post me here.
excuse me if im out of line........I think we wander spontainiously......for the simplist reason it seems..........is so life can send us to any chance meeting with the lest of fuss......................we help......and we love........anywhere any time...no job to big or small ha ha
Thanks everyone for the kind words... I have even more problems now. The dood that im staying with has severe depression and cant even get out of bed to go to work... He likes the fact that im here and helping out a lot but I dont want to be a babysitter. Im having a hard enough time dealing with myself and really dont have the time or the want to deal with this. We sat and had a nice talk yesterday but wont come out of his room today. His priorities are all screwed up and backwards. he worries and wants to fix and replace things that arent broken unlike himself, I think thats his form of denial. His friends do a lot for him and i think they are all co-dependants but without them he may be dead. He has been seeking pro help but all they do is shove prescrip dope in his face and its not doing a thing to help, in fact i thing its making it worse. He has, or maybe had a great job with the city of Portland and has a degree in architecture . I kinda want to help but i kinda want out also. My helping nature tells me to stay but mentally this is getting to be too much for me. I think I still have a place to keep my work van so I can get away for a while and not have to sell it. I cant seem to catch a break. There's a family potluck here on the 4th and really want to go but dont know how long i can hold out here. I really need some peace and freedom in my life for a while and try for figure out what the rest of my life is going to be. Thanks for all who read this and can either relate or have some helping words of wisdom. And to disperse, you are not out of line at all bro, Thanks for your wisdom too!
Tell your friend that he is not alone! He is probably consciously or unconsciously testing you with his actions. My husband is that bipolar type, manic/depressive/whatever it's all crazy. I know I am not right in the head all the time either, and I think in general there's more disorders in the world today than they can make medication for. Any time my husband goes to a shrink they give him uppers for the day and downers for the night that would make a junkie drool. It makes him into a drooling junkie, too, so I am glad that he now has a purpose for the day and MJ for the night, lol, a much better prescription. So don't coddle your friend but don't let him bring you down either, just go crash in your van until the potluck I'd say. Your friend is just reacting to being awake in the world, and since the world is not all roses, he wants to sleep through it and not be awake, but can't do the sleep of babylon that many do with their jobs, shopping and bills. Not that I want to but in or anything, but you're here, so ... Just to preface this next part, I'm a little off myself, and my apologies if this misses the funny mark and goes straight to the mean one, but I thought of a song to the tune of The Addams family for our crazy Rainbow family (of everyone who' awake) The High holies are perplectic The drummer's beat is epileptic That lot girl's anorexic in our Rainbow family! The kitchen crew is manic Main circle's in a panic Because meaty food's satanic oh you Rainbow family! Anyway, you could go on and on, we're a crazy bunch. And whoever out there read that last sentence and wants to say "I'M not a part of your WE, your CULT, blah, blah blah" I say "YOU are DISASSOCIATIVE go get a PILL!" So cheer up plumber john! If you want to chill in SE Washington or Utah hit me with a pm, I know folks in both places and there's jobs to save up for a summer of freedom! Maybe it's just the snow bringing your friend down anyway....
Hey man you have van ? I had a suburban that i lived after my ugly ugly divorce back 99. I had a cot in there, lil chest of drawers....my 17 yr daughter reminded me the other day that she slept in the Suburb a few times when it was my weekend with the kids LOL. I vote van man. And to bobboinbecca.....yo song is sturrrrrrong Peace&Love Paul
Yeah, its a work van tho and full of tools. No room to sleep really. I have a hard time keeping insurance so i only drive it to and from jobs. When i travel im going to park it and hitch my way around. I need to save some dough first tho and its kinda hard to deal with myself and him but i guess im gonna have to for now. Not much choice. Pretty easy livin here I suppose. Hes a good guy and hate to see him like this but i cant hold his hand every day, and i tell him this but it doesnt matter...
Aaah Work van. Life is adventure. More for some of us than others huh? Maybe you shouldjust work 12 hours a day for awhile and save a lil money. Then plan something
Yeah, thats the plan. I just moved to Portland 4 weeks ago so work is slow anyhow. Im catching what i can from craigslist and from word of mouth and its not much but its enough. I dont care if i leave here with 0 dollars in my pocket but it would be nice to have a little something. Im planning a trip for summer now and hope i make it till may here for warmer weather. Ive been posting on http://www.digihitch.com/ and found it to be a very valuable site for the thumb traveler. I think i just need to get away from the life ive been living as it doesnt feel right and hasnt felt right, well i dont think ive ever been happy in life. Beaten as a kid, runaway at 13, foster homes and a short stint at job corps(what a joke) then on the road at 16 by myself (very dangerous), then trying to live a "normal" life style since then and just cant seem to make it work. I finally have to accept the fact that its not how my life was meant to be lived and must make a change. I want to return to my plan from 17 years ago when i , instead of staying in cali and finding the family, i moved to michigan. So now im back and hopefully on the right road. Its been tough for me to find like minded people yet i have many good friends that arent. Ive led a very confusing life so far and im tired of that part of it... To be continued
Well, yeah. I pmed you. You can hit me up on aim too if you want or can... That offer is extended to anyone responding to this thread. aim username is TokingBowl420.
i have been alone in hong kong for more than 14 years, brother, i know your feeling, i have wasted my time on a fucking college, have learnt nothing but have wasted time and money, i don't know who i am going to be and where i am going to next, i totally lost in my live, only one people understands me in hong kong.....i am so despair and sad
Well im sorry to hear that brother, but I have good news, All is not lost. There are wonderful people here and across the world that can relate and help us understand where we are and what we can do to help make us feel whole. Thanks for posting bro and please dont hesitate to post again here or hit me up on aim if you want to chat...Peace!
DieLiveDieLiveDieLive......I die everyday I get born everyday. We could compare shits bro but that's isn't the highest and best thing for us to do. You HAVE to change your thoughts or you will kill yourself. Happens every minute of the day every day of the year.... Change your thoughts change your life. Get the book "As a Man Thinketh" Read.. learn it ...practice it... and be the god you were meant to be. Make up your mind over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again again........that you are going to master living peacefully and contentedly. That you are going to become the Infinite Well of Wisdom that any person with a sincere desire to evolve into their own Perfection and True Nature can draugh from. Living water....not dying water Stop believing all the fucked up lies that you tell yourself about yourself and other people and the Universe. Stop being a victim. Learn more truth that governs the Universe. Find out what Universal Laws you are mindlessly trampling on and STOP IT Let's start kicking some "living" in the ass people. Ready set start........
