I'm losing it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I just DON'T KNOW!!!!

As some of you mamas may (or may not ) know, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 3 years, to no avail. Well now, (as another fun way for God to test my sanity and my heart's breaking point, I guess) my mom thinks that she's pregnant. Now this is a woman who KNOWS her body. With all 3 kids, she never took a pregnancy test. She was the one to tell the doctor that she was pregnant, not the other way around.
I don't know if I can handle this. She and my dad haven't even been split up for a year, & she's only been dating this guy for a couple of months. We had a long talk about all of it tonight, and she stated, in no uncertain terms, that she "will not do this again." Se doesnt' want to raise any more kids, and while I certainly respect that (God know I couldn't have been easy!) , I can't bear the thought that my mom is actually considering an abortion. My heart is broken and I feel like I'm about to explode, or lose it, or something. I dont know. I mean, I've accepted (well, I'm trying to...) that my jusband and I probably won't get to have kids. But for fuck's sake, how much more do I have to be tested? I just can't do it anymore.

Please help.

BTW- I know that this should probably be in family issues, but this area tends to be far more empathetic. I just can't deal with asshole comments from some 16 year old guy who thinks he's being funny, or whatever.

 

has your mom thought about maybe letting you adopt the baby? it sounds odd, but the baby would still have some of your genes. also parents adopting their kid's babies happens so often, that i don't think it would be that looked down upon. best wishes to you!! Just remember every test in life makes you a little stronger and more appreciative.

 

That's really tough SugarStash. Her having an abortion in the face of all of your trials must seem very unfair. All babies are a gift, and all pregancies are a lesson. MudFlower's idea is a good one... You could tell your mom to go ahead and carry the baby. When the time comes for her to have it, and she still doesn't want to raise a child, you could be there to adopt it. It would be your blood, and you would be saving a life. Everything happens for a reason, Sugar. You have been fighting to have a baby for so long, and now one had arrived in your life very close to you that needs you... Fight for it. Your mom might still make the descision to end her baby's life, but you'll know that you did everything you could for it. I'm sorry that you have to be in such a difficult situation... I wish you the best of luck. *hugs*

 

She's not even willing to cosider adoption, b/c it's "unfair". She says that if she has to go throught the pregnancy, then it's not fair that anyone else should get to keep the baby. I just wanna shake her & tell her to grow up. She's acting like an irresponsible 16 year old (no offense to 16 year olds, I know you're not all irresponsible!). I hate to be harsh, but the truth of the matter is that my husband and I are much ore equipped to handle a baby than she is. She can't take care of a baby. Hell, she can barely take care of herself. We buy her groceries, we give her $$$ to help with her bills, and she's out sleepin around & barhopping every night. I'm so fed up with her, and the truth of the matter is, if she does have an abortion, I'm not sure I could ever forgive her. I guess I was't totally right when I said that I wouldn't get kids. I just didn't realize that it would be a 40 year old that I'd have to raise.

 

It must be terribly hard for you who has been trying to conceive to see another person conceive accidentally and not appreciate or want the pregnancy. This is going to be a tough one on your relationship with her, but it isn't her fault that you can't conceive and she shouldn't be forced to have a baby because you want one. Don't think of her situation as an insult to yours. What you are going through is hard, but so is what she is going through. I'm sure she'd rather it was you that is pregnant than her! Life tosses us a lot of challenges, and fairness isn't something it seems to be at all concerned with.

And sugar, my parents were your age when they started trying to have children. It took them 5 years and fertility treatments, but they have twin girls (my sister and I). I know it will happen for you somehow - just don't give up!

 

I'm so sorry. I have never been tested in my life like I was with infertility. Hang in there and I hope your dreams come true soon!

 

I can totaly understand that you feel as if this is a slap in the face. I'm so sorry, this must be very hard for you.


However, I am going to gently suggest that this is not your pregnancy to deal with as you would like. Your mother may not feel physically and emotionally up to the task of going through another pregnancy (I don't know how old she is, but going by your age, I'd guess in her 40's?) Whatever her decision will be, she has the right to make it.

You will have children one day. I know it's hard to wait, but it will happen, somehow, some way, a baby will come to you.

 

She is 39. You are definitely correct that it isn't my pregnancy, nor my decisions to make. I guess a big part of it is that I'm fucking sick and tired of raising someone almost twice my age. I wish she would grow up and stop acting like an attention-needy child. My husband actually doesn't believe that she is pregnant, but that she is doing this to fuck with my head. I know it sounds terrible to say this about my mom, but that's what it has come to. She wants the entire focus on her no matter what. I mean, for god's sake, she chose to bring this up to me yesterday during my little sisters birthday party. She just couldn't stand that the focus wasn't on her for a day. It also pisses me off that, while it isn't my pregnancy, Guess who will probably end up taking care of the baby if she were to have it? I know I sound like I'm contradicting myself and I'm sorry, but, I want to have my own kids (whether naturally or adopted) not raise hers because she's totally irresponsible. I'm not getting across what I mean very well, sorry about that (my hands aren't keeping up with my head ). I would absolutely adopt this baby and raise him or her as my own, but I don't want her to have a baby, decide to keep him or her, and then my husband and I end up giving my mom $$$ all of the time and so on. I love my mom to death, but She WILL screw this kid up. She's not enough of an adult to raise another kid. She can't(or won't) take care of herself financially or physically, she parties all the time and she is just too selfish. I feel like absolute shit for thinking these things about my mom, because we are so close and she is my best friend, but these are the realities of the situatuon.

 

Guess in some cases I was wrong about the empathy huh?:& Yes, if I didn't care about my mom, it would be easy to say "forget it" and simply move away. But I love her too much to just stand by and watch her drown herself. No disrespect Drumminmama, as I have read a lot of your posts and usually like and agree with what you have to say, but I think you're being a bit harsh. I'm not trying to be whiny about my infertility, but it does hurt me that knowing that, she would have an abortion. I'm not saying that she should give the baby to me, but there are millions of couples out there with similar issues, who have been waiting much longer than my DH and I have, who would love to take a baby into their home. She knows (as closely as you can know without having actually experienced it) how devastating infertility can be. And I'm sorry, but her reasons are purely selfish. i.e. "If they don't suffer through the pregnancy, they don't deserve a baby."

 

wow, ***BIG HUGS***

You'd think as close as you are, your mom would be a little more understanding of YOUR feelings. Not to say that she should have the baby just so you can adopt him/her (but if she really cared about you, she would at least consider it, right?), but she could have at least presented it in a kinder way. The fact that there might not even be a pregnancy, and she might be doing all of this for attention is very sad.

While cutting off family memebers is rarely good for anyone, maybe you could step back just a little, stay within reach, but let your mom handle her own smaller struggles. Too often parents don't know when it's time to let their children fly on their own, and in this situation, it's pretty obvious you're the "parent." Small things, like you make sure her bills are still being paid, but she has to buy her own groceries (just an example, whatever your current arrangement is, modify that to fit), or whatever.

 

If you've tried offering the option of adoption and she's rejected it, there's not a whole lot you can do. It IS her choice, and as much as it kills you (which i know it must) you've got to let her make it.


i agree partially with drumminmama.

She needs to grow up, and if she hasn't already she needs some tough love. i'm not saying move away and leave her to drown, but back off. She's never going to learn what she needs to if you're there holding her hand. i would suggest giving her a shoulder to cry on, but your money is your hard earned money. SHE is supposed to be the adult, and it's not quite fair of YOU to complain about her habits and having to lend her money, look after her, when you won't move to change that either. i think it comes from both sides; you need to change the things you don't like, that you CAN change, even if it pains you.

You love her...you've played the mother...so do the hardest thing a mother has to do and let her fall. Offer her a hand to get back up, but she has to learn this one on her own.