When I was 14 I left home because I was fucked up on drugs and wanted to see if there was more to life than what has been handed to me. For the past 3 years I have slept in tents, bushes, cars, hotels, laundrymats, friends houses etc, and Ive pretty much just gotten high. I dont even know where all this time has gone. So 6 months ago I met this girl who I fell madly in love with and we lived together for awhile, lost my virginity to her actually, and I got my shit together. I quit doing drugs, and not because it was the "right" thing to do (like Ive done before0 but because I actually started seeing that life might be worth more than getting fucked up all the time. I got my first job and Ive been planning on getting my GED (although I still dont see why I need a piece of paper to show Im good enough to do what I want to do) and now this girl told me she needed space and that she needed to find herself (yeah, the usual bullshit), we broke up a a few days after v-day and then yesturday I heard from a friend that she was naked with this guy in his shower giving him head. And she told me that she wanted to be with me in a little while and that she still loves me she just needs her space, but she cheated on me the first week we were together (which I saw on video) then we got back together and shes "almost" cheated on me (her words) a few times and ya know what? That shit just aint worth my time man cuz I gave her my heart and tried to show her nothing but love, sure I was fucked up from the detoxing, reality is just now hitting me (and fucking HARD), but atleast I tried, and shes lying to me and toying with me like Im a fucking moron, and now I realize thats all she's been doing for the past 6 months and I feel so stupid cuz I thought that finally I just might have found someone to love who actually loves me back for once, and now here I am feeling the same way Ive felt for 4 years. Now, generally when shit like this happens, I get fucked up. However big or small the situation is I get fucked up, and I almost did today. I almost just said fuck it and bought all the drugs I could think of, but realized something. Not only is life too short and too good in the long run to waste, but also that all the drugs and meaningless sex and violence and blood in the whole WORLD could not make this pain go away. I just feel like running back home to my family and friends, but I dont want them to see me like this. And Im scared that that makes me a bitch. Ive put off going back for years, I could have but for some reason ive stayed, and I dont know what to do. This is the same bullshit over and over again, something bad happens I want to go. But i always stay, and its always the same shit again and again and again. Actually in my posting history on this site about a year ago I posted something just like this. Girl left me, should I stay and get a job and a place or go home, or trip off somewhere? Its like de ja fucking vu man and its getting old. i feel like if I stay I'll just continue to wallow in my ignorance, or maybe wise up a bit, or something. Or if I go back I'll just be right back where I started, just eating whatever Im being fed. (maybe not a bad Idea) or I could trip off and explore, but I just dont feel healthy enough in body, mind or spirit. The thing is that wherever I fucking go, and whatever I fucking do, that is EXACTLY where Im gonna be, ya know? It doesnt matter where I am or what Im doing, if Im not at peace with myself then I wont be happy anywhere. I just dont know whats holding me back. I dont know if I can, or even SHOULD find peace. I do know that something aint fucking right. Its a pattern and the answer is probably staring me right in the face and I just cant see it because Im so stupid. I cant belive its been 4 years!! Sure ive learned alot, and grown alot, but Im still exactly right here! This is craziness man. I do know one thing though, and that is that I am not gonna stop fucking trying. Im not giving up on love or life. Or maybe to stop TRYING so much is precicely what I need to do..... MIND FUCK I cant really blame the girl for leaving me, maybe she does really love me and Im just too wrapped up in my own head to realize it.
When was the last time you saw your family and friends back home? If I were you, I'd swallow your pride and see them again (assuming they aren't extreme psychos). At the very least, it will give you some closure, and you won't have to keep wondering how things would be if you went back. You don't necessarily have to beg for their help, but you need as many POSITIVE people in your life right now as possible. If you can't find positivity with your family, try and find it somewhere else, but you're gonna have to stop hanging out with the drug crowd if you really want to stop using drugs. And get your GED. Yes, it seems stupid to have to get a piece of paper, but considering it's not that difficult in this country, it's just as stupid not to and then put yourself through all kinds of hell because you can't get a decent job. You should be proud of yourself you didn't go back to drugs when the girl left--it does show you honestly want to change. Good luck, friend! -Kate
Most importantly: *gives you a HUGE hug* First off you seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders, seriously. And youve got a big heart and a good outlook on life ("I am not gonna stop fucking trying." Good words you said there man.). It seems to me like Id need to know more specific details about your whole running away from home and your situation in general, but I think I have a good idea of where youre at. I think you need to ask yourself what you are REALLY looking for. And what ways have you tried so far in your attempts to attain what you want??? Im sorry to hear about the girl. I know what its like having your heart messed with. Instead of getting too upset about her, try and focus your energy on something else- think about what shes taught you, and the things youve learned from being with her, and apply them to your life and try and move on. Its good that you arent just going back to the drugs for "relief," or whatever it is you used to find in them. It sounds like you began using weed (or whatever else you were doing) for all of the wrong reasons, to the point where the drugs were trapping you in a moment that you wanted to move on from. I dont know if I can relate to you quite as much, but Ive definitley had frustrations in life so far, where I feel like I just dont GET it, whatever "it" is. And I stay determined to keep on "fighting", and "trying." But I think in a sense, Ive tried at times TOO much. Theres some cheesy saying I remember seeing once, but it does have some value I think: "Finding happiness is like catching a butterfly: if you try to hard, you'll squash it." So, in a sense, "not" trying, is actually a way of trying. Ya dig me? I also think it seems like you should try going back to your family and friends. I know its someimtes hard, but try swallowing your pride and going back. You need that sense of closure. Then what I think you need is a lot of quiet alone time, without drugs. Do lotsa hiking, meditating in nature, just going out and staring at a river all day. Seriously, you need lotsa quiet moments like that in life, to just ponder and ponder and ponder, and let things slowly unwind. Buy a notebook, and a nice little pen. And just write. Just write. It doesnt matter if youre a good writer or not. Just write. What you think. Exactly what you feel at each moment. Write random shit, just random words. Sometimes I think we try to find meaning in everything too much. Writing has always helped me organize my thoughts. And then, try random acts of kindness, or volunteering for Amnesty International, or any other humanitarian organization or some type of way of just spreading good vibes and helping out mankind. I know this reccomendation here may sound kind of random, but many times Ive found that when I start putting my energy towards other people and spreading love and happiness, it helps me let go of the pain of whatever sitautions Im going through in life. I hope what I said is of some value and doenst just sound like gibberish. If you wanna talk, dont hesitate to PM me man. Cheers and Much Love, Dylan
Get a job. Get back on track with your life and stop mourning over a cheating whore. The more you think about it, the more it will hurt. I would even consider going back home and getting a job, whilst doing your GED. After breakups the best thing to do is to think about numero uno.
Hey brother, thank you for the hug and the kind words. Its good to know there are still caring people out there. All my life Ive just never understood why people just keep on PRETENDING! Acting like they dont give a flying fuck about nothing when each and every one of us are all just big ol teddie bears inside. Yeah, it may seem kinda corny but its the truth! Its like this whole big secret that everybody knows, but at the same time they just dont think anybody ELSE does! its so crazy! I just want to live my life, and learn, and LOVE! Cuz thats the only thing Ive seen that really truly matters. So I talked to the girl today. By the way, she's not a whore, which is why this hurts so bad. Cuz shes just acting out and hurting herself, its hard to watch. But I told her how I feel and I told her to do her thing, and Ive come to peace with the fact that even though I love her I cant change her, the most loving thing I could do is just let her BE, and be there for her. Im not mad at her, it hurt but its not like Ive never felt pain before. Its just not worth moping over, cuz nobody deserves that. I cant blame myself. All i can do is love her and thats what Im gonna do. As for me, I think I'll keep my job here, get settled into a place, and THEN go back home, when Im al situated and shit. It might be good to get a little dose of stability and self reliance under my belt, after that, who knows? But I just feel like Im coming to peace with myself, its hard but it really is worth it. And fuck the drugs dude. I refuse to waste away. I refuse to be yet another trgedy in this world. I guess all I can do is feul my light and let that fucker shine! God I sound like such a hippy...;P yeah, im just gonna try to stop taking everything so damn seriously! Shit, lifes too short. Thank you all again, much love to you and yours. Lotsa peace and freedom too!
Here ya go man, we all feel the same pain, remember that All my life I've been a travelin' man All my life I've been a travelin' man Stayin' alone and doin' the best I can I shipped my trunk down to Tennessee I shipped my trunk down to Tennessee Hard to tell about a man like me I met a gal, I couldn't get her off my mind I met a gal, I couldn't get her off my mind She passed me up, said she didn't like my kind I'm scared to bother around her house at night I'm scared to bother around her house at night She got a police dog cravin' for a fight His name is Rambler, when he gets a chance His name is Rambler, when he gets a chance He leaves his mark on everybody's pants Guess I'll travel, I guess I'll let her be Guess I'll travel, I guess I'll let her be Before she sicks her police dog on me
