This is going to be a long first post. I'm sorry. ^^'

Hi. ^^'
I don't really know where to start. I'm shaking right know because I'm about to say something to people I don't know that no one else knows about me. Well some people know SOME of it.
I've liked girls since I was little, but hated it and never wanted to. I still don't.
Then I met this other girl and we became really good friends and she told me she wanted to date. (She didn't even know about me. I think she has gaydar. xP) So we dated for 3 months and I thought it was good and all because she kept making it seem like it was. She kept bragging about me to a guy who liked me and telling everyone at school that we were dating. (I kinda didn't want her to but whatever.) Then she dumped me because she said she was straight as can be and just wanted to be my best friend with benefits. o_0 What's the difference? We hang out ALL the time and she always wants to sleep at my house...in my twin sized bed with me. Her parents ARE so against gay people and they even tell her AND me not to hang out with some of are gay friends because we could get aids. *sigh* So I think she does like me as a girl friend but she doesn't want to. Like me, I don't want to be like this ether. But I do want her. She keeps going back and forth from not liking me to liking me. It's driving me crazy. I told her that I'm straight to and I think it was just a phase, but it wasn't. I really like her.
Then to make sure I wasn't gay and to get over her I had sex with a guy who had fingered me before when I didn't want him to. It's just I wanted to be normal and I knew he would have sex with me. I feel disgusting. He has a girl friend and I know he just uses me. He started to hit me when I don't want to have sex. But I can't tell anyone because then they'll think I'm a sult and his girl friend will break up with him. If that happens he'll get even more mad with me. But I don't want to have sex with him.
And now I've pretty much have come to terms with me liking other girls, but I'm afraid I'll never find another girl. I don't want to be alone forever.

 

Number ONE...you DONT have to have sex with that guy and the if you do because he will hit you thats called RAPE....number two..what you are going through with your girlfriend is really normal , it happenes to a lot of us..she might be trying to decide what she is , she might be bi and like both , she might just be scared because of her parents. You need to focus on what makes you happy , and let her decide what she is , in the meantime , there are plenty of other girls out there while she is deciding . And if that guy tries to push you around again , dont owrry about his girlfriend , you worry about you , and tell him you wil press charges if he doesnt stop !

 

NEVER let someone scare you or force you into sex. Like erzebet said that is rape. I know you don't want to be the cause for breaking up a relationship, but stop and think about how he's probably treating her. Please don't let him continue to control you.

Unfortunately in our society, we are raised to be straight. Sometimes that can really makes it hard to come to terms with your sexuality. This happens to most girls whether straight or gay.

Listen to what your heart and intutition are telling you. Instead of focusing on and worrying about finding someone else, spend time finding yourself. The rest will take care of itself. Look around for other people like yourself, gay or not. A good support base of friends is a basic need in life.

 

Thanks for the advice.
I don't know if you could call it rape tho, I kinda brought it on myself. Ya know?
I'm trying to figure myself out better. My parents are dealing with their own issues now so I'm kinda starting to live my own life. I do wish I had a girl friend tho. Of course I have to say that being single tends to be very underrated. xP
I have pretty amazing friends, but a lot of them or rather closed minded and if they ever found any of this out they would be my friends any more. So I can't really be myself with anyone.

 

Depending on the size of the town you live in, there are probably a couple of groups of gay people. I know how scary it is to try and meet new people. I was 19 when I first figured out my sexuality. I felt like I had no one to talk to. Most people have been through that and would love to help someone else from feeling that way. That's one great thing about the internet. It gives another way to meet people.

Even though you initiated the contact, if at any point you said for him to stop and he didn't, he took advantage of you. Sorry to keep on about that, it's just one of my soapbox issues. I've seen people feel 'stuck' with someone (man or woman) and be controlled. It can really screw up your mind and self worth.

Keep us updated on how things are going with you.

 

Hitting you? OMG!! No 1 ever has the right 2 hit another person because they feel like it! A hitter is the same as a Bully= A COWARD. If I was Just 17 again I d kick his ass 4 u, then say; HOW THE FUCK DOES IT FEEL 2 BE HIT, FEEL LESS OF A PERSON, NOW? FEEL MORE LIKE A BATTING RAM? Im 40 2 day and believe me if I could do it and get away w/it I d kick his ass just for old times sake. As far as him having a g/f, well sweetie, don t worry about him nor her. Your 1st priority is u and ur safety. Being 17 and a lesbian is scary enough when u r afraid 2 come out or even have some 1 u can trust 2 talk 2. But I do have a suggestion, Go to ur school guidance counselor and request 2 see the school districts psychiatrist(anything u say 2 this person is private. he/she will talk 2 u and give u options of the best way 2 handle all of this). No, ur not seein this person because there s something wrong w/u, its because what u r going thru w/this stupid boy and yes, boy, I don t care if he s 17 as well. If a 17 yr old acts like this towards yng women, then he is like a child w/a toy. Play w/it, put it away 4 a while, then if u get mad at it , u can hit it or better yet, throw it away. Be ur self and don t allow others 2 dictate how u live ur life is part of growing up. But being hit(battered) is wrong at any age!! Thats my 2 cents!!
my best 4 u, peace n good luck,Kat