extremely rough, as of yet untitled Finally, I feel the mystical emotion that I've romantically yearned to feel In times of pessimism, I bellowed to the possibility it was merely mythological Just as Cupid, that generous muse, and his inspirational arrow-shot But now, I know, my (at times desperate) hope is confirmed, and I feel it I feel it, ever so faintly, recognizing it as if it was not a stranger to me It's a distant thunder coming towards me, a train twisting through green mountains I've waited at the station anxiously, impatiently, yet as I hear it roaring towards me... As I feel the station subtly vibrate... I can feel every nerve begin to hesitate Not out of fear, for when I am with her, I know for certain that all is secure Not out of mistrust, for I know her tender touch could never be a deception She is my Venus incarnate, a goddess born of the foam of the sea As I translate her touch, I can tell that she is feeling the same things as me Yet, there is this feeling that I can not fathom, much less describe Inside my gut, rainbow butterflies flutter wildly, as if passionately frolicking After all of this waiting, I doubt how ready I am, doubt I have all that I need But then, I remember, that whatever I will need I can acquire with her by my side For now on, any lesson, she will be there learning with me, maybe some, she will teach My hesitation fades out and a celestial image of her fades in; a smile forms on my face Soon, I will board that thunder, and then there she will be I keep that thought in mind, as I brightly look forward to the locomotive's arrival I check my watch
this would be much more effective if it were shorter. this is a powerful feeling, one which we've all felt. you don't need to describe every single minute aspect to get the reader on your side. all you need are a couple of vivid images, and the reader will be right there with you. make the images original, too - stay away from clicheed hats like butterflies in the stomach. this would be a great piece of prose - maybe eliminate line breaks and adjust punctuation, you'd have a solid paragraph or so.
New love! It's wonderful! How wonderful the words flow in the realization of love's hold. Let it sit for a awhile and then come back to it if you don't think it's done. Congrats...Hope the juice is worth the squeeze. Hehe.
the beggining parts were made when I was not so sleepy (in class), the butterflies came in when I was typing it up after I was sleepy =P the whole point is to be describing how I feel, yet you feel that I{ describe it too much? sounds a bit silly to set out to describe something, but then worry about describing it too much if you ask me I actually felt the opposite of you, I keep feeling like soemthing is missing, but I can't think of what I also feel that the desciription is (the main) part of what makes this piece good if I wanted to just remind the reader how they felt, I coulda just been like "did you ever feel love beggining, wasn't it awesome?" and prose is boring, but I could def. maybe edit it into stanzas... it's sorta intimidating looking the way it is :tongue:
word flow is something very valuable that, I feel, I need to definently work on quite a lot still I always feel that it is the most under-rated of all conventions and thank you
In my humble and unprofessional opinion, after all, I've only been on this site for days, not years, I think you can only strive to be true to your emotions and what you are trying to say. Eventually, if you try too hard to strip it, it loses the initial meaning of what you were trying to convey in the first place. Let it sit and come back to it. You will see what you can fix. Maybe years later, but you will see it. Some poems lend themselves to brevity, some don't...I've seen some poems on this forum, and in my own poems, that went on way too long. As long as they eventually said what they intended, it don't matter. What the hell are we...the poem police? Let it flow, man. Let it flow...
hah. "rules of poetry". pffft. duck...i reckon its a wonderful peice... Art is subjective. You cant pull it apart like a math equation What is effective to peacenik might be uneffective to others. No right no wrong, no left no right. or to quote imherbert - "Who gives a shit about A's B's and C's"
I think it's beautiful..but then again that may be because I'm a helpless/hopeless romantic. You describe how you feel very nicely.
of course it is nice to here some constructive feedback just because I don't agree with it, does not mean it was unwelcome though you could be a little more gentle about it you have to be careful, when you tell people the negative points of their work, if it seems like 'what is', rather than 'what you think', artists will be inclined to reject it a bit more (such as me)
