no idea what's going on

hello everyone, i need some help deciding my sexuality.

i've always felt 100% straight all my life, women have always dominated my fantasies, but now i'm confused.

i'm 20 (im a nerd gamer) and last month i lost my virginity to a girl. i couldn't come. i'm a chronic worrier (i take antidepressants for it), so this really bothered me, since i imagined my first time with a woman would be amazing. she said it was because i was really nervous and not used to being touched(in fact im ticklish almost everywhere - i've never really had contact with other people). she also said it was because i was drunk and high.

the second time we did it i did a little better, but still couldn't stay hard inside of her, she said it was the same things and that i should stop taking my medication.

the third time was... wow, she was on top for a change and i came way too fast. then i just felt like going to sleep, and she got mad so my relief was ruined because she went to sleep unhappy (and i want her to be happy so much).

the fourth time i was really drunk again, and i couldn't keep it up... AGAIN. she asked me if i was attracted to her and i told her of course, but then we both went to bed unhappy again.

during the day we get along great, the sex is really putting a hurt on our relationship, so she decided that we should just date some more before we try again (when all i want to do is keep trying).

after that 4th time i went on the net to research it and saw a post about someone who had the same trouble and he found out it was because he was gay. OH SHIT, panic attack.

i just had to know, so a few minutes ago i tried masturbating to gay porn. i couldn't get an erection, but i felt something... i don't know what. on the other hand, i have lots of straight and lesbian porn and i masturbate to that frequently, but its been harder to come lately since the whole time i'm worrying if i can come to it.

when i close my eyes and imagine myself 20 years down the road, i'm happily married and madly in love with my wife and have kids. when i'm lonely at night i imagine myself with girls. when i'm dead drunk i get really confident in myself and thinking that i'm gay seems very silly and all i want to do is flirt with chicks (so now i want to be drunk all the time, which is bad).

i have a gay friend that i've known for a while and i've always been willing to hang out with him and not judge him, etc. i've never once
felt attracted to him, even though i would consider him handsome if i had to judge. also like some other guy here i've never felt attracted to men in real life. the idea of sucking or ... taking it up the arse is just disgusting to me (no offense). so is kissing a guy. i guess i wouldn't mind hugging a guy.

i read on the net that the first step to finding out your gay is looking up information on it. which i did, so that sent me into a panic attack "what if I am gay, it would explain all my sex trouble"

i'm worrying about it so much now that i feel paranoid. i feel like telling close friends about the issue, but i really doubt they'd understand (they'd probably think i was coming out of the closet). i feel like telling my girlfriend but she'd probably freak out (when i just want her to understand, to tell me she doesn't care that i'm worried so much, to just accept me).

i'm really upset about this. i don't feel gay at all, but i just have to be. i'm probably in a deep state of denial, right?

what do you guys think?

 

I don't think you are gay, your problem seems familiar to me in many ways...

In my experience (with my girlfriend), it takes time to get used to the sex. In movies everyone is perfect and the sex is uncanny which I have never experienced in real life. The first time I had sex with a girl, about two years ago it was a disaster. It took me more than a few tries to get used to sex with my current girlfriend, problems like premature ejaculation, problems with erection I had to face. At first I was embarrased as hell about it, but now my problems are very minimal, first you have to understand that sex is not easy. Being erect and excited for so long can drive you nuts and powerless, in which case all you have to do is relax for a minute and start again. It's also something which the girl has to keep in mind, you can't keep yourself going unless the girl helps you, we aren't supermen. I still ejaculate prematurely sometimes, in that case I either wait and start again or make her come in other ways. That sleepy feeling you get you must overcome it, as I said, sex is NOT easy but if you play it right it should pay off.

I don't think you should have any worries about being gay, but you should look into information and see if some of it relates to you, although I am pretty much bisexual I like more girls than boys. Even if you show some interest in your same sex doesn't make you gay and if you realise you do have some interest just accept it, it's much easier that way instead of ignoring it.

That's all I can say for now...

 

i'm worrying about it so much now that i feel paranoid. i feel like telling close friends about the issue, but i really doubt they'd understand (they'd probably think i was coming out of the closet). i feel like telling my girlfriend but she'd probably freak out (when i just want her to understand, to tell me she doesn't care that i'm worried so much, to just accept me).


My advice to that, don't tell anyone yet. I did and the information spread faster than I thought and it wasn't worth it. You should first look into yourself before deciding anything, it could take months even a year. Be patient.

 

I think you point to the problems in your first post. You are on antidepressants and you were drunk and high. I don't think sex with this woman is the issue.

Do you masturbate drunk and high? Can you maintain an erection? Most guys are going to have trouble maintaining a hard erection when high. Also, I used to take Wellbutrin (an antidepressant). I switched from that to Celexa three months ago. I've gone from having to "work up" an erection to feeling like I'm fourteen again with spontaneous erections popping up daily.

So, those are two chemical issues you might want to explore.

In my experience, if you were gay you would have experienced some sort of urges by now. You are relatively inexperienced by your own admission. Most of your stimulation up until these encounters has been through masturbation aqnd heavy use of pornographic materials. I'd suggest two things:

1) Lay off the porn and stop jacking off for a while. You've got a place to get real sex and guys who rely too much on masturbation can sometimes find it more difficult to reach climax through other mean (ultimately needing to "get themselves off" even after great sex.)

2) Trying having a really romantic and INTIMATE night with your girlfriend by skipping the booze and drugs and being fully present mentally and emotionally for it.

It sounds like you are so nervous about performance that you are drugging and drinking to calm down and simulataneously sabotaging your ability to perform.

Peace-