Opened my eyes on the warm sunlight Late afternoon Grains of sand beneath my feet Walk to the shoreline Sit on the edge Chant silently japa I close my eyes and open them again Was the sky ever this blue? Was the water ever so beautiful? Was the sand ever so pure? Were the children ever so wonderful to watch as they play? Where have I been? I breathe in the fresh air of the seashore I have lived here my whole life Why is today so different? I don’t know for sure, but I don’t want to leave
yeah very nice imagry, nicely composed. but why does everyone insist on writting this cheesy happy happy tripe? its good dont get me wrong, but i've read simular on this forum a million times.
no im not saying anything against you being happy just everyone seems to write in that same style, and about the same things, surely there are a million other ways to express happiness?
that poem reminds me of my lovely rainbow jumper no not the kind youre all thinking about....it's not garish it's bootiful centering your poems in the middle of the page can make so much of a diffirence sometimes
Maybe you would be so kind as to share some suggestions with the author as to how not to sound so -cheesy happy happy trite-? Because you simply saying it's trite doesn't really resolve the issue, unless you specifically point it out. But alas it seems simply easier to just point out a general flaw and then skeddadle, instead of trying to offer at least some suggestions, or helpful ideas.
I see nothing wrong with this at all, really. It's well written; has good images, and some introspective questions are thrown in to add a personal touch. I see nothing wrong at all with it being on the "bright" side of the emotional spectrum per se; it's the techniques used that are important, in my opinion. Good work you've done here!
i think you'll find kittenx, than in most posts where i comment, i do provide some sort or helpful comment on how to make ones poetry better. in this case however the poem is fine, i was simply making an observation that a lot of people write in that perticular style. no offence was intended, if the person is happy in that style, then fine, i dont mind its no problem, i was just making an observational point thats all.
thank you all for your comments... Its alright Spyder...I know what you mean. I'm the editor for the school literary magazine...lol... I usually don't write like that at all...but it just ended up being that way...
