All four of us, a clique of unsober urban kids, stood idly and stared at a small house blazing in an impressively massive fire, which lit the aqua skies up with dense cloudy smoke and dark orange flames, like it was something of a surreal painting. None of us spoke, just watched, pensive, each of us caught in our own contemplative, speculative, semi-meditation. Trees, a whole forest of trees, were panicking, restless as a continuous flurry of air currents dominated the backwoods; we never once looked back at them; each time they moved we were able to guage the amount of anxiety within the group and visualize each of them in a trance, swaying back and forth like determined automatons, perhaps creeping towards us and enclosing us, as if to bind our undisturbed, watching bodies to the burning house. We knew the guy in the burning house: he was one of ours, yet we couldn't save him - we were all too dazed. Sreams, such loud and horrid screams, made their way out of the flames and into our naked ears, each of them piling and piling anxious, melancholic thoughts in our brains like that of decrepit, tomb-submerging burial dirt. We were but observers. We knew he had gone from this world. From the pyre we saw his sleeping soul arise; our heads followed it up, and up, and up, until no longer visible to our eyes. Although his body was fried, we knew, all of us, that he was alive, merely in a different realm of existance; perhaps he was one of the astral plane now, walking amongst us at this very moment and thinking with us the exact same thoughts that we were thinking. Silence. The trees were still enclosing on us, pushing into us, merging with our bodies, now trying frantically to pull us back to safety. Instead, we walked back into the house, all four of us. ---tygreco---
Unless there is some science that you know of which could actually categorically tell someone for sure that there is another plane of existence which allowed for human consciousness - then you couldnt claim to "know" anything of the sort - only religious nutters actually claim to know these things
im not trying to get into any scientific discussion here we know nothing of religion what we believe and have experienced to some extent is what we "know" why does everything have to have factual evidence or study behind it
Maybe he's writing from the point of view of a religious nutter? Or maybe the person is just speaking intuitively? Writers write about things that are unevidenced all the time. I don't even get why you're bringing this up. But then, I probably need to take more drugs.
well its just the fact that if you analyse a decent peice of writing (and what makes it a decent reading material) it usually states facts - albeit within a fictional genre - so for example writers generally dont claim that their characters "know" something which they cannot know. Unless of course they explain that there is some way by which they can have knowledge of that which ordinary humans cant. It's like the mistakes people make when they try to write about a town theyve never visited - If you lived in that town it would just be so glaring a mistake that it would ruin the whole thing. I mean writers are after all fastidious about the words they choose to use for the simple fact that they want to convey an exacting scenario within which their story is based. To say "he knew her soul had gone to heaven" is just beyond plausibility since humans do not even have a knowledge of either heaven or a soul - so could not possibly KNOW that her soul had gone to heaven. Ask any writer about the word "know" or "knowledge" and its a word used sparingly because its a word that is based in deep logical precision. To "know" something is not simply to believe something is true. Knowledge is something based in fact and since souls and astral planes and heavens dont have a basis on which we can possibly say we have knowledge of them - then we cannot "know" that a soul goes to heaven - therefore it means the writer is in error of judgement over a choice of words and that diminishes the work - good writers choose their words with precision
I love it actually, The way it opens draws me in. Everyone watches houses burn because we are all so helpless at that point. The common thread of it all draws you seriously. Then you begin to peel back the true layers of the seen and it gets wild, crazy , vivid ... real good. I wished it was longer. Like maybe a little back story after you reveal there is a friend of your clique in the house, I keep asking mysel what made this guy so special that the characters were compeled to go back in, what if this guy was nothing special and they all realized no one was better than anyone else so why not join him.... I mean it starts from a great place and this can go any where.
Although unlike Sentient I'm a spiritual person, what he 'does' say still stands as a "response about the writing itself". Perhaps your characters "liked" to believe that the soul had gone to heaven. Perhaps your characters "found comfort" to believe that the soul had gone to heaven. But under what circumstances did they actually "know"? You've either missed Sentient's valid point, or you just want the only answer which you are seeking to read, in which case you're not asking a question, but simply exploiting religious zealotry rather than the literary strength of your composition. If you are simply after a pat on the back, well there are millions of people in this forum, and you are bound to get: -Yeah man that was cool! - Gee dude! That was great! But these are comments that will make you smile for two seconds, and two minutes later you will also forget about them. If you are asking for criticism then be strong and take the good and the bad, and then decide what's best for you, or try another hobby. If you can't take criticism then very simply, don't ask for it, or don't paste it somewhere where it will warrant it
I think you guys are getting hung up on the following the souls up part. That is not the largest or most interesting part of the story to me. If you read nice little bits of fiction and try to make it true in the real world you will end up a scientoligist or some would say a christian. That whole part is just the characters trying to deal with their new feelings of lose or what ever they are feeling. Four kids all trying to figure some very complex shit out. I'm still really compelled by this snippet of words, to ponder the why's of it all.
No seriously - you miss the point - the point is that when writers like Kerouac and Wilde are offered up for criticism in universities - its not just people saying "yeah I liked the book - nice story" writing is an art and as such it must be suitable and fit and diligent enough to be called art - I'm not just slagginbg it for no reason - If I didnt like it - I would have said it was crap - but I'm not doing that - I'm pointing out where I think you have merely ruined a good article of writing - I think you rushed it at the end and didnt choose your words well enough. A serious writer or at least one who is taken to be an artist would not make such a mistake - its just a pity you rushed the end of a n otherwise really good story. I could have either not bothered or just said its crap -= but I dont think it is crap - just that next time you should be more careful and diligent about what words will convey a sense of truth to your readers - a model of what you want to say - but to say "we knew the soul went to heaven" is to skip over an enormous facet of the way in which the world and what we can call "knowledge" works -to me I merely thought it was worth you reading others writing with such criticism in mind and you will not notice other writers of stature entering into such a philosophical debate by changing the meaning of the words "know" and "knowledge"
Nice idea, | liked it. But sometimes it got a little too wordy and discriptive at times. | had to basically re-read some of the sentences just to get an idea of what the sentence was discribing/explaining.. Hmm. Maybe |'m just tired.
If you're interested in really good writing, kiwi, just read all my posts. I don't mind you copying my style; that's what it's there for.
