would like opinions on this dialogue sample

backstory: a rich conservative father is giving his distraught son 'advice' after his son announces that he may be divorcing his wife for being unfaithful



"You know, Christine is right, just because she needs other sources of satisfaction does not mean your marriage has to end by any means. At times, spouses need vices that hide them away from the struggles of monogamy. Christine's just happens to be infidelity," Charles continued, ignoring his son's obvious frustration, "Your persistent pursuit of happiness is an immature and frivolous one. Despite your best efforts to prove otherwise, you are not ignorant enough to be truly happy. A knowledgeable man should become accustomed to discontent if he ever wants to live in peace, society and religion both support this fact. On the off chance a smart man can carry a constant genuine smile, it is due to insanity or outgrowth of that persistent hunger for a content life."

"I never claimed to be sane," Anthony argued, as to switch topics before his father could continue further, "I must commend you, however. I know of no other man that spews out a full sermon every time his mouth opens; quite unique."

"It is not all that unique," Charles replied in smug disagreement, "your grandfather was quite a preacher as well, even though his sermons tended to only spew out with whiskey-scented breath. It's no surprise you did not inherit the genes for this superb talent, you took on most of your mother's, the surprise is that you have that extra appendage between your legs. Quite a shame, I pity you, really. If you can patch things up with Christine and procreate a son of your own, maybe he will carry on the family legacy."

"I have the lungs for it, but probably not the illustrious vocabulary," once again Anthony was sure to carry the conversation away from the path his father was nudging it towards, "I have no gripes over the way the developmental dice rolled. I certainly would call it a talent though, not many can make hot air sound so much like intelligent conversation."

"That sarcastic wit is a trait I would have preferred to end with me."




it's spossed to read like a traditional tragic comedy, only a bit more realistic
I want the dialogue to be somewhat whimsical and very entertaining, whaddya think?

 

I Like it...

 

Hmmm! honestly???

Well its not bad but it reminds me too much of Martin Aimless (Amis)

I started yawning two sentences in, but thats good because with most peoples work I just look at the first word and if Its a boring word I fall asleep entirely.
Hmmm maybe just because I got a hangover and its 240am

 

never heard of this perosn you speak of :tongue:

 

Martin Amis, one of the most over-rated writers of our era. Academic who writes corrupt social comentary novels etc. His work is always full of bourgeois pettiness and desires

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Amis

I find his works too dull on the one hand and too corrupt on the other

Hmm here should come here and tear peoples work up for a laugh. Sounds like he will be educating a load of no good namby pambys who cant take criticism

 

well, my plot gets quite twisted as it goes on
so I assume the finished piece would be quite a bit different than his

I'm not sure the full direction I want to take it in
I want to have black comedy elements, but I'm not sure just how much
and I thought of a quite moving ending, but I'm not sure if I will go with it
I reckon that the balance of comedy and drama is going to be the most essential ingredient



and yeah, just from reading the wikipedia article, he sounds liek overrated shit

 

Going slightly off-topic, I would like to add to the Martin Amis opinions. Although I have not had a reason to read any of his work, I am nevertheless familiarwith him. Apparently, in Britain he is some celebrated author, even though they have probably a million other writers that would make better reading.

The key reason, as I understand it is this:

As Sentient mentions, he is an academic. He moves in social circles and has made a lot of acquaintances over the years who are rich and influential. Iwouldn't say that he is untalented (as I mentioned earlier on I haven't read any ofhis work), however, like most of the writers that people never hear of, he tends to cater for a specific market. For example, there is a prolific writer in the UK called Ruth Rendel. She caters for the crime novel market. James Herbert caters for the horror market. And then the Martin Amies, who caters for the people who like to wear black, and like to stand around private functions in galleries, drinking glasses of cheap wine, pretending they know about art (they know sqwat), whilst going "hmm..." a lot, and sucking in their cheeks as if giving a blowjob in a public cubicle in downtown LA.

But I'm sure that Duck does not fit that category.

Ronald MacDonald might.

Going back to Duck's dialog, I can see Sentient's points, but we don't know anything about the characters, apart from that they are related (father/son). This makes it hard to focus on how correct their speech pattern is, because as Sentient suggests they sound too "intellectual" (thus the Martin Amies analogy) and not like everyday people. Unless you have made them specifically a family of professors, then I suggest toning the conversation down a bit, shortening some of your sentences, particularly in the beginning of speech, and, where possible, adding an awkward pause.

Try reading it out loud to see if it sound right.

 

well, I suppose a knowledge of the characters would definently help

it's a pompous upperclass conservative intellectual family (though, the son is more liberal)
other characters will carry shorter dialogue (and the son's dialogue will be generally shorter away from the father as well)
and certain characters, such as the wife, will not sound so intellectual (though she will still have a somewhat quick wit)

but mentioning professors, I needed a character that they would all regard with respect, and a priest wasn't going to cut it because the wife is a jew and the son is basically agnostic, and I think a professor would serve very well in this role

 

I thought it might be something like that (not a bad guess, eh)

Actually it shows that you did your job as a writer really well, Duck. Well done. Why aren't you writing in here more often?

 

I always imagine the characters in anything I read as movie stars (it makes it easier to find a voice for them). With this piece of dialogue, I imagine Kelsey Grammer as the father and Ethan Hawke as the son. Does that sound about right to you?

 

the character in the dialouge was catchy but single faceted however overall entertaining. i would like to know where it goes and be introduced to characters of a different class and dialect to explore new ideas and place emphasis on those already existing.

 

Someone that everyone can respect????
If I had that criteria for a character I would have made him a legendary rock guitarist.
I have only ever met about 5 professors I respected, and I have met a lot of professors. Most professors are jerks like Mcfly in "back to the future" at the beginning where he keeps getting rapped on the head "Biff's" knuckles and then sort of laughs about it out of embarrassment. Most proffessors just write what pleases the upper echelons of the academic world and dont have the nuts to write what they really think or know to be true, whereas Jimmie Hendrix and Jimmy Page and people like that always let their creative side lash life with a whip the size of a galaxy.

If not a rock star, how about a hard working factory guy who is the best mechanical engineer in the whole wide factory? or a guy who pumps chicken carcasses full of chemicals so that we can taste the food better

 

That is indeed strange! When I read Duck's dialogue, I had 2 people in mind, but I wasn't sure who they were. Now that I read soulfire's post things are crystal clear, because that is exactly who I envisaged as well (Kelsey Grammer and Ethan Hawkes).

Might I sugest that the dialogue should run something like this:...

KELSEY: Now I told you before, young man...

ETHAN: That is very patronizing. I came to you for advice, not a lecture.

(pause)

KELSEY: I am sorry. Sometimes (sits) I get carried away a bit. Have you told your mother?

ETHAN: No. Nothing is definite yet. Christine and I agreed to give it some time, but...

KELSEY: (interrupts)... then there's hope.

ETHAN: No. You can pretty much sure say that this marriage is well and truly terminated.

KELSEY: But you just said...

ETHAN: I know what I just said, pa. Just let it be.

KELSEY: I don't understand. You said that you were going to give it time...

ETHAN: (sighs) Christine has been sleeping with someone else.

(Dramatic pause).

KELSEY: (stands and embraces his son) My! I don't know what to say...

ETHAN: You don't have to say anything, dad.

(Silence. Lights begin to fade. Suddenly doors bursts down.)

GUN: Finally! This is where you pair of lovebirds have been hidin'!

KELSEY: What the hell?! What is this?

GUN: Don't play innocent with me, sweetheart. I know what you've been doin' your soap. Well, I came to tell ya, you an' your queerass son that Christine is all mine now. We're a gonna run away to Las Vegas where I will "shoot" dice for a livin'.

KELSEY: Ethan, who or what is this thing? (inspects the giant gun) Is it a robot?

ETHAN: (looks down, guiltilly) No, dad. It's what I told you about. It's what Christine has been sleeping with.

GUN: Better believe it, faggots. She's told me all about you incestuous gaylords! Christine is after a reaaaal man. And what better than a masculine, thick veined barrelled gun like me myself and I?

KELSEY: I don't believe it. This is some trick. You're not a real gun. Guns don't talk.

GUN: You better believe it, bitch. Check the goods if you don't believe me. Hey!

(Kelsey releases the magazine and inspects it. Then loads the gun again.)

KELSEY: I'm afraid he's real. (sighs) So, what happens now?

GUN: What happens now? It's simple, pops. You two Culture Club boys are going to the big YMCA in the clouds, 'coz I'm here to shoot yer ass!

KELSEY: I don't think so, somehow.

GUN: Wanna bet? (Gun goes off. Shooting until his magazine empties and goes click. Both Kelsey and Ethan are standing unharmed.) I don't believe it. You shirtlifter! What have you done to me? Why ain't ya dead?

KELSEY: Better leave my house, vile creature. And if you go near my daughter-in-law ever again, be assured that you won't be shooting anything at all in the future.

(Gun leaves, drooping. Slams the door behind him.)

ETHAN: I don't understand, dad. How did you do that? He fired at us, but we didn't die!

KELSEY: Ethan, you are forgetting that we are a family of intellectuals, and as such I took the liberty of replacing his bullets with blanks when I was inspecting his magazine.

ETHAN: Dad! You are a genius! No wonder you are a Proffessor of Autorhinolaryngology a Havard University!

(They both laugh heartilly.)

KELSEY: Let's not have any more talk about divorce now that things are back to normal. By the way, have you got any time to suck your old man's plums in the shower?

Moral of the dialog: If you let Ethan's dad play with your johnson, you'll end up shooting blanks.

 

iunno =P

I write very on and off
I put poems in the poetry forum quite a bit, but that forum is rather slow

yeah, the son eventually goes off and mingles with other classes a bit, the father stays more in his own circle however

their relationship turns out to be pretty complex, as do the characters themselves
I''m aiming to have extremely realistic and deep characters in this particular

 

You could have the son who turns out to be gay, and he gets off with a couple of mine workers when he is looking for "a bit of rough". Then he falls in love with one and when his dad finds out he gets the miners thrown out of their job as he buys the mine company, and then sends a hitman after them, but once again love prevails and the hitman falls in love with the other mine worker and the 2 mineworkers the son and the hitman all run off together and become a famous strip club act. Then the twist is that the father has been dressing up in his wifes clothes for years and he turns up at the end to watch his son do a stip act on stage in front of about 2000 people and then we realise that his dad is dressed as a woman

 

whoa, I never saw this post =P

actually, I already have the majority of the plot thought of, I'm just not sure how much I will go with it (sorta like a prototype plot =P)

and yeah, I meant someone that all the characters can respect, not someone that EVERYONE can respect, that would be impossible

 

Oh I see, then how about a mafia don, in books everyone respects them, whereas in real life everyone thinks theyre nutters who deserve to be locked up