feeling crazy about new situation with boyfriend & baby

I'm having trouble getting into the new "momma/housewife" role since my boyfriend came back a few months ago. For the first 7 or so months it's just been baby and me and I was perfectly happy to do EVERYTHING for the both of us. He's been home for a few months and he just got a second job and it STILL feels like I do EVERYTHING. I clean, do the laundry, do ALL the dishes, all the time. I ALSO have to wake him up in the morning because he doesn't work well with alarm clocks and that's one thing that really annoys me. Plus of course I'm the only one mainly taking care of the baby. He doesn't really ever change diapers or change her clothes unless they are together alone for a long period of time, which doesn't happen very often. I also have a day job babysitting a 3 month old at our home so I feel like I'm working CONSTANTLY at keeping everything together. I barely ever get any time to myself, while he gets to come home and play the guitar or read or go hang out with his friends if he wants to.

I feel like I'm going crazy and whenever we talk about it I end up feeling guilty about the way I feel.

He says he'll try to help, but he hasn't yet and it seems like he always finds something else to do right when I want him to help.

Does everyone go through this or is it just me and we seriously have problems? I need an objective opinion on this cuz I just can't sort it out by myself. I've asked him to try to set up some kind of couples counseling for us and he was completely all for it a week ago. He goes to a church where we could get counseling for free, but he hasn't set anything up yet.

Any thoughts would be great.

 

That's pretty much my life. I do feel very lucky to be able to stay home and raise my kids for as long as this lasts, but I do absolutely everything. My hubby pretty much just goes to work and that's it. When he comes home, first thing he smokes. Then he will come out and play with the kids for like an hour (if it's not their bedtime yet). I do all the cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids. When I went back to full-time work, nothing really changed. I was the one running my son to daycare, going to work, picking him up, coming to home clean, cook dinner, and take care of my son. I'm sure I'm doing this all wrong, but I think I'm kind of controlling with things in the house and want things done my way.

The one thing he will do is take care of the baby at night, if I need a break. Of course, he can't feed her (she's ebf'd), but at least he can hold or rock her if that's what she wants.

I have often wondered if it would just be easier to live alone. The problem is that I would have to get a full-time job and it really is too much work right now with the baby. Maybe once the kids are older I will finally move on. I really miss having my own money and alone time. I never get to be by myself as when my kids are finally out, hubby is waiting.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm just settling for something less than what I want. Other times I couldn't be happier and I feel like it's my job to do everything around the house and stuff, since he DOES work two jobs, one doing construction in the morning and at nights he's a cook for a restaurant. So am I being too selfish or what? I really don't know what to do.

We're getting married in August so I have to sort this all out soon before getting trapped into something I may regret later.

 

Honey, my husband works full time, and I'm a stay-at-home mother, and have been for over 7 years. I love him dearly, and am grateful that he works hard to provide for us. We never do without. But he doesn't do much of anything around the house either. :H

See, that's the thing. If I DID work outside the home and bring in an income, I sooo would not put up with that! But it's like, I feel like what I do is my job, he has his job, the home is mine, although I never get a break from it, whereas he does!

Usually though, when I'm really overwhelmed, I tell him. I tell him that I need to his help. And actually, he will pitch in without any fuss at all. He has confessed to me that many times, he's just so used to me doing everything that he's become spoiled. His own mother says that I spoil him too much.

I would say to talk to him about it. Maybe he just figures you're okay with shouldering all the responsibilities yourself? The way I do it with my husband is like this...I tell him, honey, I need you to do this now for me...and tell him what it is I need him to do.

 

I do tell him... a lot. and it annoys him. I try to remind myself that he works hard and everything, but then I get so overwhelmed with everything and start thinking "this is how the rest of my life is going to be!!! ahh" and I go crazy.

 

Am I correct in understanding that he works two jobs (you mentioned he just got a second job)? Working two jobs is a lot of work. Of course being a SAHM is a 24/7 job as well. I can understand how you BOTH would be exhausted. He's only been back a little while and it takes some time to get into the groove of things, and finding eachother's place in the household. Try not to get frusterated and do your best. I think things will fall into place for you two.

 

i was about to post sumthing along these lines. i don't live with my boyfriend, but he works hard...very hard, and i'm grateful. he only gets to see the baby on weekends, even when we move in together he won't see much of the baby becuase of his schedule.


i don't get mad that he spends his time sleeping and working, but i get possessive of the baby when he is around. i try so hard to let them have their time together, especially since it isn't much, but i have a hard time letting him spend time with the baby.

is this a new mom thing or sumthing i need to really work on? he's good with baby, but i'm always breathing down his neck. i don't know if he notices, but i do and then i feel bad because i love and trust him, and i know he loves us.

i don't know what makes me feel this way. does or did anyone ever feel this way with their child?



and mama, there are times when i too get agro over doing everything, espeically if a few days pass and he hasn't seen our lil man. i just drive myself insane, by wanting to do everything when he is here. don't think "this is what my life will be like" becuase things change and once you get a set routine it should be easier.

also everytime we discuss our future i shut down. i don't wanna talk about it...not to him. maybe you're nervous about where you're life is going to go and the uncertainty of everything. i have alot of feelings you have. we mamas need time to ourselves and when the boys don't give it to us we start to get tooo much on our plates. i think you'll be fine once things start to balance out...thats what i tell myself at least.

 

schedule something to do alone on his next day off. no ifs ands or butts and DON'T ask permission. you need regular time to yourself.

about not helping with the baby. i'll bet that he's afraid he's going to do something "wrong", aka: not like you do it. he's your child's father, you owe it to both of them to have time alone together to figure out things on their own. You'd actually be doing them a disservice by not allowing them alone time together. when you do catch him doing things for/with her in your presence, be sure to not tell him the "proper" way to do it

I vote for cuting him slack with the house work as long as he's working two jobs. But do expect him to pick up after himself...dirty clothes in the hamper, dishes in the sink kind of thing.


((((hugs))))

Life is hard.

 

whther you have a partner or notI think that going a little bit crazy at home with bubs is normal far as I can tell from a mixture of personal experience and that of my friends in a variety of situations, if you worked out of home before I figure that this might be even more of a contrast. It is probably important for you and bubs to work out what your norm is going to be and to work to that. Your lives both sound busy and it sounds like you both need to talk about and plan for stuff rather than just let it happen otherwise it may just end up as misunderstandings rather than anything else!
lots of loving and hugging and remember they get bigger and can get their own drinks eventually! The partners and the kids that is!!

 

tamee, number one your baby is so cute, and number two you are feeling normal... especially since there is a shift in your family dynamics... I felt the same way when I stayed at home although, even though my husband was pretty helpful, there is something to be said about being cooped up in the house with babies and poopy diapers, loads of laundry and nothing on Oprah. Take some time out for yourself and it might help!

 

Exactly. That's the only thing I want from him. He gets upset because he thinks I want him to come home and immediately start taking over the housework. All I want is for him to pick up after himself, something that I don't believe ANYONE should be too tired to do, even after working two jobs. Just because I'm the housewife, doesn't mean I'm the maid.

 

(((((((((hugs!!!))))))))) I know what you mean. My husband has worked 72-95 hours per week since we were married 12 years ago. And getting a little "me time" can be tough. It's easy to look over & see him sacked out on the couch "doing nothing" and forget that while I was asleep last night, he was at work for 8 hours.

What really helped me, was to pretty much inform him that I WOULD be taking one evening a month & running away to play with the girls. Once a month isn't too often, but it's frequent enough that I don't feel as if I'm losing my mind. The other thing I did was gave him two quick, easy housechores that I despised doing. He scrubs the toilets, and he takes the trash out. It's not a whole lot & doesn't cut into his time at all... but seeing as I'd rather have my arms amputated than go near the icky toilet, it is a HUGE help to me. Perhaps you have one or two super easy chores you hate that he wouldn't mind doing either?!?

It can be tough, especially when the kiddies are young. But remember to take some time for the two of you as well. Even if it's a drive-thru for gourmet coffee, and a rented movie at home after the baby's asleep once a month. Those little "us" moments REALLY help to keep the relationship together when your sweeties' schedule is so full.
love,
mom

 

Here's the deal, ladies: too many Womyn have now taken on the roll of "bread winner" in addition to their other duties, with the "understanding" that men would "help out." The reality is, men do, in most cases no more housework, child care, laundry ect than they did in the 1950s, when womyn were FREE to be home with their kids all the time. Womyn are, in many situations, doing more, to the detriment of the children and the marriage, and the men are doing less than ever before. Tamee's man is working TWO jobs, so he seems to be doing his part. I have no problem with a man who is working two jobs getting some slack from housework, it isn't fair for womyn to "do it all" and I think most men who DO take on the financial responsibilities of the home and family really shouldn't be expected to do half of the housework. OTOH, putting his crunchy socks in the hamper isn't going to kill him (yet after more than 22 years living together, my dh can't find the right hamper, can't operate the washer or dryer, and there is really nothing I can do to force him to do so, but I do wish those crunchy socks weren't in my living room every morning.......)

In other words, in some homes (I am not taking about Tamee, as her man works TWO jobs and should be commended for this. ) the men have it easier than men did in the past and the womyn are working TWO full time jobs (working for an income AND doing all or most of the child care and housework.) I don't beleive this is progress at all.

I know few men who change diapers, unless it is an emergency, and although they may be "good dads" and "good men" the child care duties still fall nearly 100% on us. There are a few families which are different, dads at home ect. but in most cases womyn are working harder and many men are reaping the benefits of not having the full finacial responsibilities fall on them, as mom not only does all the childcare and housework, but brings in a full time income and is responsible for bills as well. Not fair at all.

I don't think Tamee's situation is different than the vast majority of moms in this country and most of western Europe. But, moms need to know where and when to draw the line.

My solution is, if dad doesn't want to "help out": Let him be the sole bread winner. My LC business doesn't bring in a huge amount of money, my dh does help with cooking, and the occasional cleaning (but only if his mom is coming over) but not a lot of the non-fun child care, or any laundry, bed linen care, cleaning ect, so I refuse to "go out and get a job" as I already have a job raising 4 kids, doing ALL the laundry for my dh, my youngest child and myself, and making sure things get taken care of.

I think that when a mom feels trodden upon she needs to take a "Tough Love" approach with Daddy. If he can't help take care of the home and the kids, fine, then Mom will do it, but HE has to realize that THIS is her full time job, and that any Outside work simply isn't fair. Moms are, at this point in history, doing MORE and gaining less, and our children, as a result, in many families are getting less attention than ever before (I am NOT talking about Tamee here, as she appears to be a VERY attentive mother, but so many moms are just so exhausted from non stop, out of the home work, that they have nothing left at the end of the day. Dads "get away" with being "too tired" after work to do child care, but if the Mama is ALSO too tired to care for the children then WHO WILL do it?)

Sounds kinda "mean?" Nah, when I was a kid the dads all did it, I know the economy is different now, but many of us also spend more. Set a budget, and draw lines on how much you, as a Mom will do. Let him know that this is a partership, and that his working full time and paying the bills will be OK, as long as You, as Mom, isn't also responsible for money coming in as well.

When the kids get older, things may change, but there is no way to make a man do childcare or housework. Let him know that YOUR job is the baby, (and that this in and of itself is a full time job) and tha HIS job is the income and the bills. Things can be "equal" while you have different duties. But, DO NOT "do it all" neither the mama, nor the baby benefit from this set up.

 

This whole thread has just made me realize how lucky I am to have a husband who makes supper 3 nights a week, helps with the laundry, changes diapers, and does the grocery shopping.... plus he takes care of the little one 3 nights a week when I go to work. I am really lucky to have such a wonderful man.

 

That's what Axyn does to. He likes to cook dinner. so I make breakfast every morning and when he's home he makes dinner. So that works out nicely. Since I'm the one who likes to get up early and he likes to sleep for as long as possible. And he does tell me a lot how grateful he is to wake up to a home-cooked real breakfast.

Maggie, thanks so much for that post. That is exactly what I needed to hear. It all makes a lot more sense now and I think we will be just fine and I now know exactly how to handle my situation. thanks a lot.

 

Blessings to you and your man and your sweet baby, honey.