So your 15 y/o daughter wants....

So your 15 y/o daughter wants to go out with a 19 y/o. What would you do?

Our daughter wants to go out with a 19 y/o college kid. Up until now she has shyed away from having boyfriends or even asking to go out with any. Our general policy has been that she wait until she was 16 before we let some teenager with a car take her anywhere at night. She has admitted that teenage boys frustrate her since they grab for anything thay can and are quite persistant in their endeavours.

This 19 y/o is a great guy; a hippie, vegetarian, dreadlocked kid. So far they only want to do some things together during daylight hours. I wish he were two years younger.

What would you do?

 

Oooh, ouch. Since my oldest is 11, I'm just starting to deal with "how do I get her to talk to me?" issues.

My initial thought is that 4 years is a HUGE age difference when you're still in your teens. But if it's the guy who's older, it almost evens things out. The other thing that springs to mind right away is WHY does a 19 year old interested in someone 4 years younger than them? It could be something as innocent as your DD is the only other veggie (or other common-ground interest) around, or it could be... well, that older guys tend to see 15 year old girls as "easy." That's one of those things you can't exactly ask about either, y'know? So I'd go with your gut on that one.

If all they want to do is hang out during the day... I don't really see much of a problem with that. But it does kind of set a precendent for when they want to do more. If you've already got a policy stating she needs to be 16 though, that would give them some time to get to know each other BEFORE hanging out in the evenings, and you wouldn't have to be the "bad guy" for creating new rules.

Good luck! I don't even want to think about my lil girl hanging out with older boys yet!
love,
mom

 

well, telling her NO is the best way to turn it into a romeo and juliet situation (our parents just dont understand us, we are in love but forbidden, blah blah blah) given teenagers habit of making everything into drama

Id say, just go with your instinct. If he seems good and that his intentions are honest, then it seems alright. If you start to get the creepy "he is using my daughter and screwing around with other girls on the side" feeling, THEN put your foot down.

 

yeah, let them go out with eachother. if you don't she'll probably just see him behind your back.

 

Thanks for the reply mom. So far I think they actually just like each other. We've know this guy from being a barrista at the local coffeeshop for a few years and they have been talking for the past year. She is also a sweet, drop dead beautiful natural girl. I kind of get the feling he would not have even persued her had we not been who we are as parents. Your average dready, patchouli smelling hippie guy probably wouldn't get too many smiles from the average conservative parents out there. So they do have common ground interest, but she is certainly not the only other pretty veggie girl around.

That's the truth.

 

I haven't gotten to this stage of motherhood yet, thank god. But, when I was 15 I was in a similar situation, but the guy was a little closer to my age.
My mom flipped off the handle and told me NO that he was only after one thing. It made me feel like she didn't trust me.

Maybe invite the guy over for dinner with you and the family. Get to know him, then make a decision.
Your daughter sounds smart, and if she's stayed away from every other guy because they grab what they can, trust her judgement that this guy isn't that way. Maybe that's why she picked him?
You said they only want to do things during daylight hours, maybe try one date if you're comfortable with that? Make sure he's trustworthy enough to get her home by the time you want, then work from there.

 

"Well, she'd do it anyway" is not a good reason! First of all, she probably wouldn't do it anyway. And second of all, that does NOT justify ANYTHING! As a 20 year old, I can honestly say that I would not go out with a 16 year old. Obviously, I can't judge him because I don't know him. If he appears to be okay, that's great. Just proceed with caution.

 

Oh leave them to it! This thing almost ALWAYS happens to teenagers...teen boys that age are very often on the same maturity level as 15 or 16 year old girls...thats precisely WHY it happens. Its healthy, and normal, and aslong as hes a nice guy i dont see a problem

 

Youre female though, like me. As i said often the girls will grow up much much faster. It just happens that way. I believe 19 year old lads who like 15 year olds are perfectly normal. When i was 15 i had an 18 year old boyfriend. He was a decent boy who has grown into a decent man. It happens

 

I don't have kids,(it'd be pretty tough for me to have a 15 year old at my age anyway!!! ) But I was in a very similar situation when I was 15. I started "dating" a guy who was 19. I knew my mom would have huge issues with it so we kept it a secret, telling her we were just friends (so right off the bat, that's a huge plus for your daughter and the guy, that they are willing to be honest with you about it.). Well, as mom's tend to do, she found out about it and forbade me to date him. Of course at this point, we had been sneaking around for 10 months, so it was no big deal to keep doing it. I thought (naively) that I was being very sly,:& and she had no idea. Of course she still knew. One day, about 2 months after she told me we couldn't see each other any more, she let me play hooky from school. We went shopping and then went to lunch. Over lunch, she told me that she knew that I had been lying to her. I was so embarrassed (sp?) that she "found out" (she'd known all along), but I was also so grateful that she trusted me enough to let me make my own decisions, even if she didn't totally agree with them. I guess that I've taken the long route in this post to make a few points.
1- If your daughter is fairly mature, you may want to let her make her own decisions (or mistakes) on this one.
BUT 2- I really don't think, given the fact that she and the guy decided to go the honest route from the get go, that if you said absolutely not, they would date behind your back. Why ask for your permission (or blessing) if they intended to do whatever they wanted anyway?
3- He sounds like a good guy. And even if you allow them to date, and then start to dislike him, look at it this way. Most of us don't end up with the guy forever that we were in love (or "like) with at 15.
Not a mom's perspective, but I hope this helped.

 

No they don't. Young girls think they're more mature than the boys. Everyone thinks their mature. I thought I was mature when I was 8 years old. It doesn't change the fact that I was still a naive little kid. The fact remains that a 19 year old is a lot older than a 15 year old. And while of course there are exceptions, age usually does matter, especially at that age. Like I said, it's hard to judge their situation because I don't know him. He's probably an okay guy. It doesn't change the fact that this A. Probably isn't legal if they're messing around and B. Is a situation that should at least be monitered.

 

Every girl is different. Our oldest, Sunshine, wanted to start dating at about 14, her sister, Moon is 18, and has only had one, short lived boyfriend.

When Sunshine was young, we allowed the boy to come to our house He could come once a week or so, for dinner. He could watch videos, as long as he went home by 9:00 PM. He was NOT allowed in her room, ever! When she was about 16, we relaxed things a little more. I also made sure I talked to the boy's parents, got to know them a little ect, so THEY would know where he was and what [/i]he was doing[/i], and THEY so happy that he was also being supervised!(so many parents are so afraid to put too much supervision on boys, I don't know why.) When they want to date young, you often do have to set restrictions, but things can work out for the best.

Our boy isn't yet 16, and has, a few times had a girl over for dinner or a video, and he has been to her house (ONLY when parents are home, I know, because I TALK to them, because I make him call me when he gets there on THEIR phone, not his cell ) Knowing where they are and what they are doing at this age IS still important.

 

This is probably bad advice but I would tell the guy if he didn’t stay away from my daughter I’d hurt him. Then you would still have the problem with boys her age thinking they can do what they what so get an older brother or cousin to go around and tell these boys that they had better not touch. Cheers!

 

i think that age is just that if he is respectful and a good guy. has the same interest of sorts i don't see the problem my boyfriend is 2 years 'younger' than me but has a maturity level higher than any of the guys who i have dated that were the same age or years older. i really think it depends on the people. is your daughter mature for her age or does she still act like a kid is the question you should be asking not age maturity level

 

another thing i wanted to say is girls do mature faster than boys my younger brother is 13 and a 7th grader and still acts like a child for the most i know that at his age (this is coming from my mom and friends not from my memory) i was alot more mature than he is. i had gotten my moon 2 years before that and was alot more knowledgeable than most boys at that age and was a dating someone who was older than me because the boys my age still acted like children. so think it depends on your maturity level.

also it is not illigal unless the parent of the younger one deems it that.

 

Johnnystillcantread, between myself and dds two older brothers I'm sure the picture is clear that life wouldn't be good if someone harmed or forced my dd to do something she didn't want to do, but I don't think threatening any interested male with violence is necessary.

Shaina, I think my daughter is quite mature for her age expecially when compared with her brothers at that age.

 

You were more mature than your brother. Okay, my brother is more mature than I am- mature in this instance meaning the ability to make an adult decision like an adult. That has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with you being more mature than your brother and my brother being more mature than me.

And it still is illegal, regardless of whether or not parents permit it. Statutory rape is statutory rape, it has nothing to do with whether or not the parents are okay with the rape.

 

Honey, parents don't get to make up their own laws. Nearly all states have Statuatory Rape laws, with differing ages. The other poster did say "If they are messing around, it is illegal." She is right. In most states, a boy who is over 18 IS, officially, committing Statuatory Rape, if the girl is under 18. In many cases, this law is not enforced but will be if someone prosecutes. But, if the one member of the couple is of legal age, and the other member of the couple is UNDER age, it is against the law if they are engaging in any sexual activity.

Now, a 19 yr old boy and a 17 yr old girl is one thing (and in most people's eye's not a "rape" if it is consensual) but a 45 year old doing a 13 year old is something else. The thing is, the law has to draw a line somewhere. Not saying it's perfect, but parent's can't decide on their own what is a "Law" and what isn't.

 

don't call me honey i am not a child and i do know what i am talking. in different states it depends on the age some states its a 4 year law if the person is over 18 i know for a fact that i the sate of new mexico which is where i live the legal concent age is 14 for an 18 year old so a 19 year old could date a 15 year old. also if the parent gives permission and doesn't prosecute the older one there is nothing the police can do UNLESS there was rape involved. so you really should get your fact straight because this is something that i researched thoroughly. i never said that a 45 year old and a 13 year old was okay. but parents do get to decide in smaller cercumstances

 

**removing, didn't see what i had to offer was already posted ***