Hey I've been working on this screen play but I've hit a bit of writer's block. I can write other stories but I can't seem to progress any farther on this one. Maybe if you ake a look at it and tell me wha you think of it, maybe some suggestions, it might stir up some new ideas for me. It's a coming of age type story. Actually I just reread it and I think I have a few more pages for it. But I'd still like to hear what you guys think of the first couple of scenes. Here it is. Act I Scene I Marten is sleeping in his bed. The alarm clock rings and Marten Slaps it to the ground. Marten falls back asleep only to wake up at 7:30 A.M. Marten gets dressed hurriedly. Sprints to the car without a shower and drives to school. He dashes into homeroom right after the bell rings. The montage begins now. Hyper-fast speed of students going through the halls while the camera moves through the halls as well. Speed through lunch and off to an assembly. Back to normal speed. Principle lectures on the future and talks about the ending of an era, one that you will never get back again so we should cherish it while we still have it. Speed up again. Go through the halls again. Got out the door to see all the kids running out the doors to the buses. Slow down. Marten and his three friends, Steve, Amanda, and Vincent piled into his car. Speed up. They drove off to Bogey’s house. The gang goes up to bogey’s room. Slow down. bogey lights up an nineteenth century English looking pipe. (through the montage only, American Analog Set-Hard to Find) Bogey: [with the pipe clenched in his mouth] So what’s goin’ on with Sam’s party. When’re we goin’? Vincent: Well no body ever show’s up ‘till dark so how about 8:30-9:00ish? Late enough to avoid the aunts, uncles, and screaming second cousins, but early enough to have our pick of the drink. Marten: I’m still not sure. It’s really not my kind of scene. I’m not much of a raver. I do Soul Caliber and a bowl, but the huge parties aren’t my bag. Vincent: Shuuut uup. You’re going, done, end. Plus you need some tang. And don’t give me that ‘They’re just not my type’ bullshit. You’ve never met them. So tomorrow night we’re coming to get you and we’re gonna’ get druuunk. Amanda: It’s really not going to be that bad. You don’t have to dance if you don’t want to. It’s not like a middle school mixer. Just go there, drink, and make some jokes. Marten: I guess. I’ll see you guys later then. I’m beat from today. I needs me some Guitar hero and a nap. Peace. Amanda and Vincent and Bogey: Peace. Marten walks out to his car, starts it, and drives home. The radio is playing, he turns it off. Pulls into his driveway and walks up the steps. Walks up to his room and lays down on the bed and crashes before he even gets to turn on the PS2. Act I Scene II Marten walks out of the house through the front door. It’s night of the same day. He walks down to the playground and sits down on the swing. Gets up and walks over to the slide. Slides down the slide and then walks over to the tree. Sits down next to it. Hears a conversation between two middle school kids in his head. “Hey Marty, turn on your bitch repellent. Hahaha.” Marten gets up and walks over to the tennis courts. Stops, stands for a while and then starts walking home with a sad look on his face. (Broken Social Scene-Anthems For a Seventeen Year Old Girl)
This is pure genius. The last time I read something like this was when I was standing in a bank queue, and I waited so long I ended up reading an entire Master Card application form, including the smallprint. Kid, you're talent.
All criticism is constructive. It's down to you whether you're man enough togain something out of it, but hey, if you're so interested in dick, I can't really help you there. Gay forum perhaps?
But there's really no need to be mean about it. Thumper's dad said "If you haven't got anything nice to say don't say nothin' at all." And I'm not saying I don't want to hear anything but praise. I'm simply saying there's a nice way to go about it and a wrong way. All I'm asking for is a little kindness (however forced).
You're alright plukow. I seem mean, but it's only my dry humour. I think I can actually help you with your script a bit, nothing major like. It could do with a few tweaks here and there to make it stand out a bit. Like I said, a lot of us kid around here. Bunch of drunk writers that's all. It's only idiots like ronald Macdonald that go around upsetting people and causing Messenger services to crash! So if he says anything nasty just ignore it, he does it to everybody. I'll get back to you on your scenario within the next two days. Keep it up. It's hard work, but you'll get better the more you read and write, and I have confidence that if that's what you want to do, then it will happen.
Thank you. I did have some more I was thinking about adding. I'll post it when I get anything worth posting written.
Plukow the script needs something to invigorate it. I sugest getting on to dulux and asking them if you can put one of their advertising scripts in the middle, then it will be a postmodern pastiche of realism suffused with an advertising reality Hey have you ever noticed how the word "gritty" is only ever used by literature critics? Yours is the kind of gritty reality that would perhaps line a budgerigars cage. it would be best perhaps if you had the kind of gritty realism that could be used on a sanding belt to strip the shit off a dinosaurs asshole