I wrote this in study hall two days ago. I would like criticism. It seems a lot different than any other Stream of Consciousness stuff I've read, so maybe I didn't do it correctly; but I typed as fast as I could His groaning terror that creeps up to the balcony to witness the brilliant birth of a brand new sun and to feel her ethereal rays beating and stinging on his scarred skin and comes to witness Eternal Death slipping slowly under the horizon; Babylon has fallen and only shards of smoking rubble and searing blades of metal jutting from the blackened soil remain; cool articulate roots that moan with industry churning and breathing below; my violent fury creeps down my spine and to the edge of the Abyss to the four Zoahs, my Chakras, vibrant and pulsating with pride, shooting stars of silver and ivory to the Heavens; I held the crystal glass so the moon shone through bursting into a ray of white luminescence shining on the table until I spilled water onto you and you skin of Inhibition and Compassion bubbled and peeled off shedding your fragile form into a glowing and pristine energy that stung my eyes and had me curled against the wall with my hands on my face;
i like this it's seeped in imagery i would maybe just form the written words a little differently, so it's easier to read
It's not a rewrite, because it doesn't have the same meaning or message at all. I didn't "steal" any ideas from it, it popped into my mind and I wrote it down. I wasn't trying to accomplish what that poem does. It's just what popped into my mind at the time. Plus, thats the only reference to it in the entire poem, so it wouldnt qualify as a rewrite anyway in my eyes. But whatever, haha.
