its the end of a good weekend and I'm chillin with some mates havin a blaze, then i suddenly feel like pickin up a pad and a pen, this is after like a half ounce of white widow. all criticism is welcome. keep in mind this is the first time ive ever tried to write poems before and ive lost the poems so these are as close as i can remember enjoy: im sat here smokin, now u know i aint jokin, so once i start tokin, it feels like my soul has awoken. as my vision starts to glaze, so in my mind i can see past the haze, for my kind, The human race must discover how to face, the problems inherant with this place, but through this drug smoked across the nation, i hear the roar of a new generation, ready, waitin, in preparation tonight i will take some ecstasy, tonight i will fulfill the prophecy, that was once told to me. that with pure mdma my mind will be set free, my inhibitions will leave me, and il forget the daily grind, the trap which is societies bind, so do me no wrong, just pass round the bong, let us join as if we were a tribe, and lets spread this good vibe. i look forward to hearing your thoughts on these rhymes
This might work really well as a rap. Some of the lines I read as if they were being spun off by an American gangsta rapper. They were the best lines I think. Others were a bit too long to fit this mould, and so seemed a little clumsy to me. If you shortened a few lines and quickened the pace this could work really well. For example: sat here smokin, now u know i aint jokin, so once i start tokin, it's like my soul has awoken. as my vision starts to glaze, i can see past the haze, for my kind, The human race must find how to face, the ills this of this place, in this drug's sweet elation smoked across the nation, i hear the cry of a new generation, ready, waitin, in preparation tonight i will take some ecstasy, tonight i will fulfill the prophecy, that was once told to me. that mdma will set my mind free, no inhibitions left in me and il forget the daily grind, the trap which is societies bind, so do me no wrong, just pass round the bong, let us join as if we were a tribe, and lets spread this good vibe. Just a few rough suggestions. I'm sure you could tighten it up better than that, but that's the sort of thing I mean. Welcome to the UK Forum by the way
cheers man, i like some of your additions to it, see what you think of this one Go to the bank, stick my card in the wall, take out my pay think to my self "it begins the nights under way" i type the digits for speedy cause my mates feel the need to unleash their minds from the daily grind. So now I have the power to find the key to unlock the door. the clue to unravel this god damned mystery. Time to live in the present, forget about my history! hey its my first one its not expected to compair with with the likes of Skinny Man but every1's gotta start some where. Oh and stick on some fat beats whilst listenin to it.
