To Conquer or Move On? That is the question.

I'm 18. I'll be 19 in July 2007. I have a friend (or maybe she's not anymore, I don't know). We've been friends since we were three years old. So it's hard to imagine her not being a friend. I moved away to a small town where I met a new friend. Maybe I should start giving them names. Okay. Friend A (from age three) will be called Sally, and friend B (from the small town) shall be called Susan. Okay. So I met Susan. We became friends. Susan had a very unhealthy family situation. Her father was an alcoholic (violent only to the walls, though, and to the family with his tongue). Her mother was very depressed and constantly suicidal in front of her little brother and sister (aged 5 [the sister] and aged 8 [the brother]). My mother ("Sandy") was her mother's ("Ruby") lawyer for a personal injury accident. Eventually, my mother had to declare a conflict of interest with Ruby as we were constantly picking up Susan from payphones and such when she was trying to get away from her parents. This was when I was about 16.


One day, Susan was very sick. I accompanied her to the hospital three times a day for an IV. The illness was (not from information I got from her, but from the internet) from an unhealthy (dirty) home environment. She nearly died. At that point, while I was with her in the hospital, I told her that I really think she needs to talk to someone about her family situation. I told her that she has younger siblings to look out for and that they don't need to see their mother trying to down a bottle of Prozac or trying to slit her wrists, and they didn't need to see their dad come home drunk from work and start kicking holes in the walls. She agreed and said she wanted to do something about it. I said to her, "You know, sometimes parents don't realize what they have until it goes away for a while. Many parents revise their lives to earn what they love most back. It might not be so unhealthy to call Social Services for a surprise visit." She nodded in a way that told me she knew it was right, but still thought it was hard. Then she said, "My mom would be so mad at me." I said, "Yes, she probably would.. but you have places you can go. You know you're always welcome to stay at my house, and you have other relatives also." She then said, "My mom promised me a new computer though. She would never give it to me if I said that."




I felt like this: :computer:


Anyway, I told her that some things are more important than new computers. She agreed. Then, she got a new boyfriend. He was abusive. You know that story. We eventually got in a fight about that, which led to other things. I suppose her mother was there and was told about my suggestion about Social Services. Her mother gave me her 2 cents all right. She told me that she'd make my life a living hell and that there was nothing my "Wannabe lawyer of a mother" could do about it.. not that I had ever asked my mom to fight my battles. So, I decided I wasn't going to talk to her anymore, as she seemed that she had her own agenda and I could either sit by and watch, or relieve myself from the stress.


About a month later, Susan found a forum online where I had an online community. She came up in conversation and someone came up with a rather creative and insulting name for her. Susan of course found this and was very angry. I took the initiative to delete the poster's comment and sent her a personal apology note. She refused it and threatened me some more (rather, her mother did).


6 months later, I arrived home from a music trip I had gone on with the band and was excited about all the shows we had played. When I got home, my mother informed me that the Principal had called and said that I had been harassing Susan at school and that he wanted to meet with me (the harassment took place when I was out on a school-sponsored trip). Of course, my principal didn't know this, and was quite apologetic when we had informed him that I wasn't even at school. Apparently, I had been sending Susan threatening e-mails and her mother and her NEW boyfriend (who I had never met) marched into the office saying they could print them off and that they were at home.


Now, this is a small town. Everyone. Knows. Everyone. The Mayor was a Social Studies teacher. There were three police officers who all knew the same people (including Susan and Ruby's family). I was a grade 12 grad student by that time, and I was depending on my good reputation for references and testimonials in my applications for scholarships, local bursaries, university applications, resumes, etc. If I hadn't been on the school trip, that family would have definitely had "the advantage". They grew up there for generations and knew everyone. The only way people believed that I didn't commit this accusation was because I couldn't have and the school was there to prove it.


She really attempted to ruin my reputation. She knew how bad I wanted to move back to my original city. She knew how hard I was working for it. I was taking 8 courses in one semester just to finish on time. She was really trying to get in my way, and I knew it because they had already told me my life would be a living hell.


Anyway, that's the end of my first random thought.


Now here's how it matters now:

Back then, I still had my home-town friend Sally. Sally backed me up 100% when I was having issues with Susan. Sally was even one of the ones who made nasty comments about Susan on the forum that Susan found. We were very rude back then, and I felt really good about apologizing when it was discovered. I felt I had taken a step up.


Anyway, I haven't spoken with Susan in well over a year (maybe two). However, Sally has recently gotten back in touch with her (they were friends through me before the feud). Sally is pregnant and wishes for us both to be at her baby shower. However, she was worried that we might not get along and she didn't want to have to be forced to choose one or the other. This is reasonable to me, and I told her that I don't mind being civil and friendly to Susan when she wants to spend time with both of us. I did say, however, that I will not be forming a friendship again with her.


Wow. That's where it exploded. Now I am stubborn, and my feelings are based on "Stupid immature bullshit" and my decision is "pathetic". I was also "Obsessed with Susan as I looked at her profile" whereas Sally "only looked when she needed a laugh".. There is one thing about this. Sally and I did look at her profile a few times to see what she was up to in the first 6 months after the feud. Only, Sally's participation is insignificant whereas mine was "obsessive".

Now, the thing I think is immature ... is the whole argument. But you see, no matter how much I try to tone it down, Sally must make up for it.

Have you ever known a person that gets very defensive if he or she even feels the slightest bit of accusation, or information that might make them feel the slightest bit vulnerable? That is Sally. If you say something about something that Sally wants to know about, she will feel attacked if you suggest or talk about something as it will show that you don't think she already knows... Yeah, weird.

She even said "You think I'm attacking you? 'You will never understand what I went through and I don't like it when you say that you do know, because you didn't feel what I felt and you will never know how I felt.' What the hell is that?"

See, she thought that me telling you that she doesn't understand my feelings is an attack on her. This is because I am telling her that she doesn't know something. It's obviously not an attack, but that's when she feels vulnerable, get's defensive, and attacks me. She says obviously subtle things that really make their mark.

For instance, one day I asked her if she would put her child in day care so that she could work (her bf is on disability and works as a dishwasher, and she dropped out of high school in grade 8). I went to daycare at her house as a child, and that is how we originally met. She said to me, "Children who go to daycare end up fucked up in their adult lives." Now, she knew full well that I went to daycare at her house, but made a comment like that. She does this whenever I make a suggestion like that or comment that maybe her ideal lifestyle is not yet attainable.

So now, she is very very mad at me. She sent me a LONG message via another website about basically how little she thought of me. She followed up that message with one that said that arguing is stupid and not to reply because she won't read it or reply to it. She will send me a GIANT message telling me everything she thinks of me, but then says that it's stupid and she won't reply to what I say. I think she is trying to use the persona of a classy individual in order to carry out her attacks without rebuttle. Of course she wants to argue, that's why she is sending me these belittling messages. She doesn't want me to say anything back, so she pretends she is too classy to argue and that I shouldn't send anything or she won't read or reply.

Now here is my last random thought...

We have been friends since we were three years old. She has been attacking me and belittling me more and more lately. The more I advance in my life, the more she belittles me. I think it is because she has found herself in a very tight situation. She is 18 and is pregnant and is a high school drop out with a boyfriend on disability and they live in the attic suite of her parents' house which is filled with booze and smoke. The more I become successful and happy, the more she wants to bring me down. I am now wondering if maybe the stubborn part of me is actually wanting to continue friendship with her. But this isn't much of a friendship... it seems more like abuse. Because we have been together for so long, it seems impossible to erase anyone like that from my current life.. but it seems like moving on for now is the right thing to do. I don't usually go back to friends once things are over (old things are brought up, etc. that I'd rather just forget about and move on with). If we had ever gotten in another fight, KNOWING her, she would bring up absolutely everything.


Right now I am in college doing pre-Social Work. I have three jobs, two part time, one full time. I am trying to save enough to pay my student loan and my next year of school. I work hard and I always have. I believe that my decisions shape my past, present, and future, while she thinks that everything will just fall into place. Her famous line is "I'll cross that bridge when I get there." ... which I use as well, but in a more stable way. What I mean with that phrase is that I have a plan for it, but we'll see how it works out and what kind of adjustments I need to make when I get there. What she means is that she is not going to think about it and she'll let the pieces fall where they may. She thinks she is pregnant because she is meant to be pregnant. She is meant to be pregnant because science means for her to be, I believe. She is pregnant because they were not using birth control of any kind and had lots of sex. I use birth control and I am not pregnant. I believe that is my choice. It is not because I am not meant to be pregnant. It is because I choose not to be.



We are drifting apart in what we want for our lives. We have separate goals, opinions, and values.


Is it time to move on, perhaps?

 

you need better friends

 

ditto

 

Definitely move on. Good luck.