Okay, here we go..........now readers, please know, I am not looking for advice here, as with anyone, only "we" know ourselves, why we do what we do, and any answer, of course, lays within our ownself...whether we can find that answer within ourselves is another question! We use other people as sounding boards of sorts, in helping us find our own answers. Ya? lol My background is one of great disappointments, since childhood. Thus, I have delt with abandonment issues since I was very small, and thus, has rather molded me into being the stubborn, too independent person I am today! If I don't have to ask, I will do it myself, and Lord knows I hate having to ask for anything at all! Trusting people, (men in general) There is apart of me that sooooooo wants to believe, that something "Real" out there, exsists! But anymore I seriously have my doubts! There are two men in my life at the moment. One I have been with for 5 years now. Lived with him (FB)twice and moved out because of his drinking and verbal/emotional abuse. When I live on my own, we still see eachother, but at least have the choice to not be subjected to his drunkeness.I do set my boundaries. The second one, (DM) well, that's a long story I will try to shorten.....he and I were Buds back in a day....years ago, and he moved away to Flordia. Little did I know back then that he was in love with me and remained so up to this day! I had always been good friends with his family who remained here. Three years ago he came home for a family visit at Christmas time & I'd spend New Years with his family. Last summer, he came home for his vacation, which happened to be the same time I had a weeks vacation....we'd been cooresponding months before that, via phone & computer, and the dynamics between us were beginning to change(I crossed that "line" over vacation). Thus, we spent our vacations together. He planned on moving back here and living with his father, to attend college. He moved back this past spring and had hopes of us getting together & having a future. However, he refuses to "court" me properly....says been there done that and got screwed over. Yet he asks of me, to let go of the past & "FB" and give him the same chance I have others in the past, to give him my "all". Well, hell, if you can't take me out to do things, make me apart of the things that you do and the only time you call me is in a moment of weakness (buzzed & wanting laid) then how the hell you expect me to think/feel you are any different than anyone else much less give my all? This coming from someone who has claimed to be in love with me for 20 freaking years! Two people burned before, thus holding back from giving again. Really so sad that most men just can't seem to take the time to make the effort to treat a woman the way any woman deserves. As for "FB"...LOL he doesn't "get it" either! He's grown very self-centered & self-seeking...and there's always a motive behind anything he does for someone, preferably, me. His drinking has increased and so have the consequences. He and I have been through a world of "shit" together....I've stuck by his side, even when I have had my doubts. Most wonder why, and I guess the answer to that is....I have mentally & physically been where he is at now, and can't help but think, it could be just that ONE person who sticks with him, that could make all the difference. I refuse to allow his unhealthy choices to affect my life, I do set my boundaries, but trust one day, he will hit his bottom and work on climbing back up to being the man I met. Right now, It wouldn't make sense to merely change the face of the man, may as well stick with the one I have..........as the grass isn't any greener on the other side. I'm stubborn, and I do believe you can teach an old dog new tricks! Just takes longer!
Well, from my experience, I really missed out on a great relationship opportunity because I couldn't let go of a very ugly relationship. "FB" sounds like a deadbeat taking you on a path to nowhere, and if he's not willing to change on his on, why should a good person like yourself waste time trying to show them why they should? I couldn't get a very good picture of the other guy you were talking about, although drunken phone calls made in an attempt to get laid isn't what I'd call an appealing characteristic in somebody; but he seems like a better chance than "FB". So what's up with that? Why not get the proven loser out of your life and give this other guy his request (for "no FB", not drunken sex )?
LOL well Fulmah, DM, in my eyes isn't any better.....he's the one who calls buzzed up & wanting sex, tho has absolutely NO tatics! When he first moved back here last April, I said no to sex. Thus, didn't see nor hear from him. He's the one who calls in "his moments of weakness" telling me things any woman wants to hear & believe, just to get his own personal gratification(my opinion)....however he still won't give his all, cuz he's been burnt before....like who hasn't? And then he thinks I'm gonna hop in the sack with him??? NOT. Which is why I stated, "why change faces"....meaning, I'm already dealing with a longterm relationship & his imperfections. At least they're predictable lol & I know all too well how to handle them! I don't need to walk into another one with a different face and very simular "imperfections". I would rather work on the longterm one or not have one at all I guess. And maybe that is what it will come to! Thus they both miss out on a woman who would be their ultimate if they only new how to give in the first place! Now think about this for a minute......IF I was married to FB, isn't marriage suppose to be for better or for worse? Isn't that thee commitment???? Now NOONE can predict what "the worse" is gonna be, can they? But you are suppose to stick beside your partner none the less, that's the commitment you made. Although FB and I aren't married, guess that's my belief when you love someone, that you stick by them through the tougher times too, not just bail out for someone new, with their own issues. In todays world people split so quickly, soon as the waters get too rough, run off into a new one, only to bail again. Lord, not to say I don't have my own issues! But at least I am willing to look at mine!
OH and btw....I am on my own "path".....which is why I don't live with FB anymore....it's the only way I can keep his "denial" from ruining what I want for myself as an individual. I don't know if you can understand what I'm saying. LOL One can stick beside a person who is going through turmoil (whether or not that person views it as that) and not be brought down the same path with them. I am my own person & won't let that be taken from me. I set my boundaries and have my safe space for my own head. Not saying it's always easy either. Emotionally it is damn tough!
At least it seems like you have a healthy mental attitude to support you. I went through hell and high water to try and make my doomed relationship work, alas, it really was doomed, and I couldn't be happier now that things have finally begun to settle down. I still like to vent quite a lot though The 'calls to get laid' guy definitely seems like a loser too; and I understand about trying to stick with someone you love through good and bad... and as regards marriage, shouldn't you *know* exactly what you're going to be getting? As in, being pretty damn sure you've experienced the full spectrum of relationship ups and downs (and hopefully ups far more than downs) with this person, thusly knowing exactly what you're getting into with absolutely no fear... For me, I was hanging on to a relationship that was done, finished, finito ... possibly still in love with a dream, maybe who she used to be, perhaps just the comforts of being in a relationship in and of itself (some comfort it was too lol rrrright!) but whatever, I'm better off now, and know the next girl that comes along will be better off for it.
I will say, I have thought about marriage with FB.....however, it will never happen until he realizes that he needs to better himself AND takes the steps to do so.....and not for me....for himself first & foremost, then for us. This is a "business man", who graduted with honors and ackknowledgements and certificates up the wazoooooo! He's not an ignorant man by far and highly educated...doesn't even belong being a used car salesman, as he could do so much better with something he'd love even more. However, I know in my experience, you cannot make a person change, but you can plant seeds and be an influence on them with positive affirmations. Ya just got to hope that seed will sprout...so to speak. Nor will I wait forever. I also know a little of why he is the way he is....with his own past, as everyone else has. He's been my bestfriend & my worst enemy, can't think of anyone who knows me better than he does....nor do I think I want to start over and have anyone else know me THAT WELL either! Was hard nuff getting this far ! lol Ever heard that saying...... A Season or a Lifetime? Now I wish I hadn't deleted it from my email. Shall return later, have laundry to do and a new/used car to put on the road today! Yipeee My own wheels again! Been a long 3 months w/o them! Hugs, Sunshine & Smiles!
lol me and my "afterthoughts"........Does one ever Truly know "what they're going to be getting"? Example....in very traditional days, lol....folks didn't live together, have sex etc prior to their getting married. What did they "really" know about eachother then when they did get married? But funny, traditional marriages also seem to be more solid than those of today that aren't so Traditional. Back then, I guess when they made a "commitment" they truly made that commitment....and in todays society, commitment is conditional, or so it seems....what a shame.
Hi Summer, I don't really want to try to give you advice, because you are going to do what you think is best for you anyway. Quite frankly, I think you are pretty smart in the situation so I don't doubt you will make a decision to suit you. However outside perspectives are often helpful. It is my opinion that you should leave both of them alone for a while. Either completely reflect upon yourself and wholely take care of just you. Or else date other people. Hell date a lot of other people. Perhaps you will find that you have 6 choices out there who all treat you better than these two twits. I know it is so hard to get over someone that you have been through so much shit with. But sometimes it is for the best for both people. Maybe if he knows that you aren't going to be right there to help pick up the pieces with him or for him however it is, then maybe he can get the help he needs on his own and become a better person for himself and the next love in his life. Or he can spiral down. It is his choice, and you have your own choices to worry about. Hope all works out for you. Take care.
Yes, suppose there is some truth to what you are saying...........however, I'm certainly not up for meeting/dating someone, anyone new.....lmao and not that I am in an enviornment to even "meet" someone.......don't need other so-called prospects in my life right now. As for DM....I more than leave him alone.I'm not a chaser. I just kick myself that I allowed our long long long term friendship cross the line last summer.........we were better off as just buds I guess. My life really isn't a very eventful one....I go to work(12hr shifts) come home to my daughter....hang at home, and don't go out even on my days off. I'm a nature person, so if I do go somewhere, I go fishing or camping or just out in the woods to relax. I am not much of a bar person, and certainly don't want to meet some guy out of a bar....gawd. lol I know better than that! As for taking care of me....lol I definately do that. I'm not miserable.....though I'm not as happy as I could be either. With the boundaries I've set, I really don't see that much of FB either, as I won't hang out here with his kids here, and I work most of those weekends, and I won't stay here when my daughter is with me either. So, with his work, my work, and my daughter in school, doesn't really leave much in the way of time to spend together. Though lastnight we did go out to eat...that was kinda nice.
I didn't mean chase anyone silly goose. And I didn't mean meet men in a bar either. You don't meet people when you are camping or hiking. We have made quite a few friends that way, just on the trails. But if you are not ready to have another in your life that is completely understandable. Kids make the situation even more difficult because when you have kids with someone they kind of have to be around, even if you want to forget them. Best of luck to you. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. Feel free to vent some more if necessary.
