Hi All! I could use your advice. My sister passed two weeks ago this coming Thursday and her 18 year old son has come to live with me and my husband. He is a great kid. He is respectful, helpfull, & pretty responsible. The thing is I feel I should establish some ground rules for the house. Ones that don't seem too overbaring but that can also apply to the entirer house hold including the roommate that was already in place before mt nephew moved in. Since he is 18 I know he is pretty much now an adult but he still requires a lot of guidance. My hubby has been his father figure in his life since his dad has chosenot to be a father and my nephwew says I am more like asecond mom then his aunt because we were the ones to help his mom raise him and his sister when their dad left. I know he respects me alot and I have never had trouble with him beforeand I know he is going through hell right now, but I think some ground rules for living with us full time now. He is not messy or anything and he would do what ever I ask. I would like to know ifhe is coming home or not nand if he is how late he plans to be so I know if I should leave a dinner plate for him or not. I want to set a time when friends should leave at night during our work week because me , the hubby and my nephew all work between 6a.m. and 4 p.m. what would be a good time to havethen leave me and the hubby are in bed by 11 at the lateest. Do I give a time on the weekends or not. What about friends how much leeway should I give. What are good ground rules for an 18 year old that lives with you . Visists are easy they are temp but living with you is day to day and I don't want to be a witch but I don't want walked on either. Thanks for you help. Oh and I may need a lot more advice from time to time .
I am so sorry for your families loss. I think the things you have mentioned sound perfectly reasonable. Perhaps you could just ask him? Let him know that you know you're not his mom & don't want to try to replace her - but that you have a few requests to make BOTH of your lives a little easier. He's more than old enough to understand that, and sounds like an awesome kid Perhaps you could ask him what rules were in place with his mom? I would think that the closer the rules were to what he's already used to, the easier things would be for both of you. ((((((hugs!!!)))))) Good luck love, mom
id give him until like 10 on weeknights, and then home before the sun comes up on weekends, the thing is, us kids are responsible, just give us the space and we will take care of ourselves..so yeah...what about chores..cause those suck...glad i dont have to do them til i move into my own place..t-minus 1 month..
He doesn't get a full license for 6 mos since he went ahead and opted for the learning license he got before he turned 18 which he just did on 5/18. The license he has doesn't let him drive between midnight and 5a.m. so I thought midnight was a good time to be home by. I asked him to have friends gone by 1 during the week and he said 10 was late enough for them to stay so I made it 11. As for chores non set ones I ask him to do something like take the trash out he does it. I ask him to help mow the yard I do the front he does the back. There is no problem there. See with mom there really wasn't any rules they did what they wanted talked to her how they wanted. But at my house I required respect and discipline so they lets say minded me better then her. My sis use to call me when they got out of hand to deal with him and hid older sister. They are a year apart. See sis didn't deal with their dad leaving well at all. Then when she got sick and they gave her 6 mo to 1yr she didn't get out of bed much do to feeling so bad. So the kidlets did a lot of what they wanted.
Ask him your self since we all three work and get up at 6 am WHAT do you THINK YOUR cerfew should be? Explain simply that your not trying in any way to take over being the "mother" just the but you just want to set some rules. At 18 (most) teenagers know. Personally, i don't know what your schedule is on weekends but i would at least him till 1-2 in the morning. On week days i would set the ground rule for 10. Right now is going to be a rocky road for him, by chance is he seeing a grief councellor or is he dealing with this on his own?
Dealing with it on his own. I mentioned support groups and got the reply "I don't need that shit. Sorry for cussing Aunt Annie." Though I mentioned joining a support group with his sister and he just looke at me. I though 12 would be ok on both because he can not drive after 12. On the weekends I just asked him to call if he was not coming home so I wouldn't worried. He wants very much to be a full grown man. I says he will not be a leach he wants to help finacially and if that is not ok then he will go some where where it is required I told that was up to him but that he nneded to open a savings account to put money vback in case of emergencies. My grandpa says let him help he needs to feel like he is doing his part right now he doesn't want to live off othere people.
I am so sorry for your loss! The advice you've been given is very sound, and it sounds to me like the boy will be little trouble to you. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you're able to, why not take the money he gives you and save it for him for when he's older? For something like a downpayment on a house or car something? ONLY if it wouldn't be a burden on you to do so.
I am already looking in to that option but he watches me like a hawk he does things like goes to the storey with me. He knows me to well. I figure I will let him watch me write out bill and go to the bank with and transfer the money to savings by phone when he is not around. He is a good kid with strong values.
Aww, he really sounds like a sweetheart! I like Mab's idea. Putting it towards a new car (or house) would be a GREAT idea, and you could point out how much something like that would help you AND him - since they're just sooo expensive! Another idea if he really feels he needs to be contributing, might be to see if he could cover something like a cable tv bill or something like that... that he would use regularly? My kids are MUCH younger, but they save our spare change in a jar. When it fills up, it's up to them to decide what we'll do with it. That's our "entertainment fund" and we go to movies, buy memberships to the historical society, and go to the local pool with the money from it - all ideas the kids have saved up for, and chosen on their own. Perhaps that's something he could do... but on a larger scale?!? love, mom
Another thought if he wants to help & you're okay financially would be to point out that FAMILY does not board in your home - but that you would appreciate any help with housework that he would care to offer! That's what my mom told us when we had to move in with her for about 6 months when we were first married. love, mom
I have talked to him about saving and he says he already intends to save 100 a pay check until his truck is done which will not be long cocidering he works with my husband 40 hours a week and makes about 9 an hour. His truck will be done in about 2 mos. He says after that he will go to saving 30% of his checks. He has a great plan. I tried the family does not pay room and board line and that went over like a lead ballon, So I told him when we need help I will let him know. That didn't fly well either, he is stubborn. Last night he went over my head to his uncle. The hubby told him that if he was that denmanding on helping here was what he could do. He could help pay the payments on the new washer and dry like $10.00 a week 1/4 of the bill. Go shopping with me and if there was something not on the list he wanted he could contribute towards that. Buy his own personal hygiene stuff and help with keeping fuel artound to mow the yard. You know little stuff but still enough to feel he is happy. Last night he was so sweet it was getting late and we had been going since we all got home from work. Well we had just got home around 8 and I was going in to get some supper started. Well Wes asked if I would mind holding off on dinner while he ran an errand. So of course I said yes because eating as a family is important to me. I was making breakfast for dinner and it would of taken like 20 minutes to make but I didn't want him eating cold food. Well When he got back he had not went to run an errand he went up and bought dinner and brought it home. He told my husband that he didn't want me cooking so late in the evening because he was sure I had hada a long day and was tired and didn't need a mess.I offered to give him the money back that he spent on dinner but he wouldn't take it. Flat out refused very blatently. He is just a good kid.
I think your husband had a great solution! Let him pay for his own things... treats he wants that weren't on the list, and his own hygeine & stuff. And... what a doll, to think of his auntie cooking a late meal. love, mom
Yep I think that is going to be the best also. Yep he thinks of me alot in the aspect. Knew thing to work on how do I get him to not freak everytime I take a nap because I don't feel good? See I have some female issues that kinda lay me up for a day or two once in a while so after work I will sometimes nap get up cook do dishes and head back to bed. Well of course this happened last week. He was getting ready to go out and he came in to say good bye and I was laying down and do to pain I was really pale so he freaked and wasn't going to leave well I sat him down and explained it was nothing major it sometimes happends and the pain will subside I just need a nap, it is nothing life threatening. He finally went ahead and went out but I think it worried him alot. Do you think that reaction will go away after a while or will he always freak when I get sick or I am in a little more pain then usual? I just want to find away to reasure him that I am not going anywhere.
