Right now I am with a very unusual fellow that I can't quite understand. He's a very sweet guy, with a gentlemanly side (for example, once when he called and I mentioned I was on a Greyhound bus, he was waiting unbidden and unexpected at the station for me -- something that completely took me aback, since I hadn't thought he'd pay attention to what I said much less take the initiative to do something totally out of the blue just for the sake of being nice) ... he's shy and timid, and completely not like "The Typical Man" that is prevalent in the media, on college campuses, in bars, or in business offices. But at the same time he can be closed off, unstable, inaccessible, and sometimes downright unkind. He has trouble communicating in person, so we mostly communicate via AIM or text messages. We were each having personal issues for a while, and he seemed unable to relate to me, so I offered for his sake to put our interactions on hold; for four months after that he was CONVINCED I was selfish and had another man or something; although he accepted this fallacy with resignation and not jealousy, he constantly insisted that I was being dramatic (although if he were around me more in person and knew my tones of voice and ways of communicating, he would know that was not the case at all ...) and that my efforts of cheering him up were facetious. He's since resolved his personal problems and has become a sweetheart again ... but we pretty much only see each other to have sex. Which brings me to the next point: He has issues with sex -- he wants to be kinky, but we always end up doing missionary (which I hate) and never have any foreplay (except from me to him until he gets too embarassed). I have tried to talk to him about it and he admits that he feels sheepish about his lack of experience relative to mine; he is afraid to mess up and leave me unpleased. What would please me most is if we could just be together without all the pressure on me to have an orgasm ... but when I say that he thinks I am just trying to save his feelings! We've had some interesting experiences a few times while drunk or blowing off extreme stress ... except when I mention how much I enjoyed them, he gets awkward. (I have tried to motivate him a few times by breaking out my toy and my bottle of lube, and he seemed to like it ... but apparently he was also ashamed and proceeded to later call me a slut to hide his own feelings of inadequacy.) So now that I have written all of this out, he seems like a horrible person ... but I heard in a Bright Eyes song that it's better to keep working for a wage than trying to win the lottery, and we do care about each other somewhere in our cold cold hearts ... I have tender feelings for him, I know he WANTS to be kind to me, and we are both lonely right now, so ... should I just stick it out and see what happens?
i know we all (in our relatonships)have issues about certain things but damn for the guy to call you a slut because you have toys and some lube???i'm not sure i would persue the realtionship. i have been in the worst of fights with my bf (of 7 years) and in all the bullshit fights we got into he NEVER called me a slut.imagine what he could be like if you are officially dating.i don't know i guess for me i definatley wouldn't date him.
guys who are so insecure, can be hard (or impossible) to mend I say slowly pursue, if you are really so interested, and try to feel him out more and really decide
to each her own, but i won't be in a relationship in which i cannot play an active role sexually. and it really doesn't make sense to try to be passive with a passive partner. no wonder you're having problems. from everything you've said here, sounds like he has self-esteem issues. he apparently feels he is not the person he wants to be, and does not accept himself. that's not something you can gift him with. but you can treat him with respect. by behaving as though you think he can't handle his adult responsibilities, you may be unconsciously making him feel worse about himself. in all things, be straight with him about how you feel. that's the best thing you can do for both of you.
You're right, he does have really big self-esteem problems. He constantly tells me he thinks he is too dirty for me, etc etc, and the "slut" incident was a projection of his own feelings onto me. (He liked watching me, so he felt dirty, and decided to call ME dirty - for letting him watch - rather than admit that he felt dirty.) He wants me to be active sexually (always tries to put me on top), but it makes me uncomfortable because then I cannot be sure if he's enjoying it. I also have some issues of my own, so I'm kind of timid as far as it goes; apart from oral, which I have learned that men value almost disproportionately, I prefer to be an equal partner if not the submissive. When it comes to his responsibilities -- ? The only responsibility I don't tell him about is in regard to his sexual performance, which I don't consider a responsibility per se. He's completely in control of the rest of his life so I'm not really sure I know what you mean?
it is an adult's responsibility to reciprocate in a sexual relationship - both receiving and giving pleasure. it's also an adult's responsibility to govern their own emotions.
Well, yes. That does make sense. I guess I know that he DOES govern his own emotions ... and he knows he does ... but he often will claim out loud that he blames me to take himself off the hook for it. And then he punishes himself in private by going on benders and weeping a lot. The thing is that he does try to give back, sexually and to a small degree emotionally, but he's so damaged that he doesn't know how and runs away from any real intimacy. He and I wouldn't ever be that silly kind of mushy "forever" couples, but I don't want that anyway. The poor destroyed soul has grown on me as a friend and even as a lover, and I would like to be there, even if at a distance, while he recovers. I guess I just don't know how.
I think the sex issue you two are experiencing is huge, of course, but there are other issues to be examined as well. You said the relationship is based mostly on chat and sex, right? maybe if you two spent more time together outside of the bedroom, he could feel more comfortable and confident in the bedroom. Intimacy is bliss, and occurs between people who truly care for one another. I'm certain you care for this chap, as you are willing to put up with non-great sex. Maybe if you tried to strengthen other aspects of the relationship, build on the friendship, he will open up to you, and real intimacy can occur. That's my two-cents, anyways...
I've thought that too, but he's so damn AWKWARD it's like trying to open a reluctant clam. Or maybe like trying to coax a tiger out of a cage. I'm no stranger to intimacy, but I guess I have sort of resigned myself to the thought that it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, or at least that I won't find it again for some time. In the meantime I make do with this distant, frightened person ... with whom I'm not sure ANYONE could EVER truly be intimate. I think I might have even decided not to want that, and turned it more into a rehab venture for his own good.
he shouldn't be emotionaly closed and jealous or possesive. imo if I am with someone with jealous tendencies they should give me enough attention so I don't seek it else where sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too... I've been with guys who were closed emotionaly before I had to break things off early. I don't like playing games if I love someone I am going to tell them and if they don't return the sentiment then I have to end it because I am a good enough person and am loving enough where I deserve the same in return. With holding feelings or atention is the worst form of abuse because it's premeditated and deliberate and usually has nothing to do with you, but more do do with his past. If he keeps it up I would leave him.
Suncatch - good to hear from you again. Is this a guy you have discussed in the past, or a new guy? I have always tried to regard sex as a natural expression of love and intimacy between two human beings - a gift given to us to enjoy responsibly. Try to get your guy to regard it this way - there is nothing "dirty" about it if it is between two consenting adults. And see if you can teach him the things you like, so he can reciprocate. Sex is like playing tennis doubles - everyone can do it, but only a few are really good at it and it takes a lot of practice and communication. If he continues to have hangups, perhaps you can get him to see a shrink to get rid of them.
He's sort of new ... we've known each other for six months and have been trying this odd kind of back-and-forth for five. He's not so much jealous or possessive as he is just resigned; he realizes he's not the best thing for me, so he assumes I am going to go out there and find someone else. That's not true (I have a terrible time finding, much less approaching, people I like!), but he just assumes it is, and oddly does not get angry, just a little sad. And as far as his feelings of shame ... it TOTALLY has to do with his past. Two of his (long-term) girlfriends from before have been certifiably insane ... his pictures from that time show a much happier person, I think the damage has come since then. He feels ashamed of his own body and his own desires. He's not embarrassed to do good-old-fashioned missionary style in the dark, but he IS embarrassed because I don't like it. He likes to have conversations about how we WILL try it, but then when the time comes ... I think he's too timid to try, and if I try for him it reminds him of his own inadequacies. As I mentioned in my original post, he IS seeing a counselor, but as I know firsthand, that isn't enough to "fix" problems! A good mix of supportive discussion AND positive experiences is crucial. Just talking about something doesn't solve anything.
Why should you have to suffer because other women have damaged him? There's a difference between being sensitive to one's issues and allowing them to take them out on you. You need to take care of this shit now before it gets worse. Don't stand for that. Men like women who set respectable limits for themselves. I can gurantee you that if I allowed my boyfriend to take out what other chicks did to him on me or not express his feelings he wouldn't love or respect me as much as he does-because it would be apparent I didn't love or respect myself. No matter how much I love him I make sure I love myself as much and he does the same and I respect him for it. I don't want someone i can run over. I'm not bitchy at all or cornering. I don't force people to share their feelings with me, but if they don't I make it clear there are a million guys who will and that I won't do exclusivity without love. I would seriously evaluate why you are allowing this to happen though, especially this early int he relationship. I don't mean to sound bossy. I just think that you are pretty and articulate and interesting and you deserve someone who tells you that all the time.
Thank you, Bella. I know that a lot of it has to do with me too -- I'm pretty timid to go out there looking for men, have taught myself not to really want one ... and so I just feel thankful that one wants me (which, he DOES want me). Also, in my experience, six months IS a long time. I'm not a stickler for official commitment and I think flowers look better in a field, so I think guys think I'm trash; most of them have been one-nighters (mostly their choice and not mine) -- the longest I've had one is a month, and then he said I had just been practice for a better girl! I've heard this shit for so long that I've come to believe and accept it about myself ... rationally and logically, despite years and years of counseling. It doesn't even matter to me anymore, except at moments when I am actually lonely. This guy says he thinks I am too good for him. And sometimes I think I am not good enough for him -- I think he either needs a really tough girl who will not take ANY shit, or a pure sweet angel who can cure all his wounds. It's okay that he doesn't dote on me ... I'd really rather he just feel better about HIMSELF, and would like to help in subtle ways without alternately doting on HIM. And yeah -- alcohol makes it worse. Much much much worse. Because then things happen that make him stop speaking to me for weeks, because he feels guilty for what he feels is raping me, unpurifying me or something.
humn. Tell him to relax as far the sex shit goes and keep your mind open and see what happens I say. But if he disrespects you..toss him.
