I've considered putting this in the sticky but decided to put it here for some reason. I just got off the phone with my mother. My sister had told her about my dreads. Now, I'm moving from California to New York to be closer to family. One of the things I love about Cali is that it's 3000 miles away from my ultra conservative family. One of the things I hate is that it's 3000 miles away from the family that I love. Now I'm moving into the same town (or the next town over...don't know exactly yet) as my mother. She just spent half an hour talking to me about my dreads. Well, talking is a very nice way of putting it. She went off on how she thinks it's disgusting and that she thinks that when I move to Long Island I'm going to be ostracized. She feels that people are going to look at me and assume that I'm dirty or a drug user. She feels that no landlord will want to rent to me and that my children will be made fun of at school because of my hair. "There are some times," she said, "where you need to CONFORM inorder to fit in and have a better life." OMG! I just sat there, listening to what she was saying, and all I could think of is...well if they won't accept me then too bad. I don't need friends who wouldn't give me the time of day because I have dreads. When it comes to things like family dinners I can wear a hat (as a compromise). I don't need to "fit in". Never have. I like being me, regardless of what "society" says. I tried to tell her we were of different cultures. She said that we're not, we're both Americans and that I grew up in the same area she did. I wasn't about to go into the whole...well America has different cultures and sub-cultures thing. She just wouldn't get it. It's sad that the people I love don't accept me for who I am. They love me, they would do anything to help me if I needed help. But they don't accept me. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. *hugs* Jess
well, it is true that if u want to rent a place or have a job, its easier when u just fit in. just like its easier to get a job in a clothes shop when u look like a model. its stupid, but pple will give credit to your looks, and pple will think u're a better tenant if u dont look like a hippie. so i suppose your mum is clumsy but she's only sayin what she thinks will make your life easier. now if u wanna keep the dreads on and it makes u happy, she cant stop u, and its sad that u cant agree on that, but i guess its life.. do what makes u happy, i hope your family wont "reject" u for something as unimportant as a hairdo
Thanks for the hugs bunjies! *hugs* back! I don't think that my family will reject me. They'll just harass me whenever I see them. lol See, now I can wear a hat when looking for a place and I'm on disablity so a job isn't going to be an issue. I have two hats that hide my dreads when I want to. One is this beautiful hemp hat that matches a lot of what I wear. I wish people would just accept me for me. *sigh* Something I've wished since I was a teen (was labeled a "freak" in HS because I dyed my hair purple. Something that's become popular now).
Wow, that's incredibly lame. I feel for ya', I've been having the same issue with my mom. 'Though I still live with my parents. Just yesterday she accused me of 'doing it wrong' and that I should get it redone by her 'black friend'. That pissed me off. She even tries to compromise with offers of getting professional braids. Because.. you know.. braids are so the same. I get the same "you'll never find a job" etc talk. I've heard her talking about my hair behind my back, insulting me. I love the face she gets when someone compliments my hair, though she'll mumble something like "they're just saying that to be nice". :\ She knows nothing of the process, or even the reasons for doing it in the first place, and thinks that it will always look like it does now (a 3 month old mess of knots). It's really frustrating
You know, for a while I was thinking about starting a business and I would've hired people who had dreads. Granted it was a metaphysical store and people of that type of community are usually more open. Then again I've seen some professionals with dreads. I think that if you maintain them and they look nice then most people won't mind. But that's just my opinion and I could be wrong. *sigh*
Ooohhh man, do I feel you! You'd think it was a life or death thing! And I totally hate that nobody understands the process...and I hate explaining it to everybody. I loathe when people tell me I'm not doing it right. What do they know?! It doesn't help when I'm already down about how they look. I had a friend who, after not seeing me for 6 months, the first thing she said was "Oh honey, we HAVE to do something about your hair!" And that something involved conditioner. I changed the subject ricky tick before I could let it get to me... stay positive.
Has your mum actually seen your dreads, send a photo over to her and show her. Then (try) to evplain the process to her.
To be honest, if you are looking healthy and happy i doubt anyone will think your an avid drug user... you can tell a junky when you see one and usually they dont radiate with health and light. As for being a tenant, just make sure your a smiling bright beauitiful creature (which im sure you are) when you speak to the landlord about a place to stay, people will learn not to judge you from first images
When my family eventually caught on that I was growin dreads (I went natural so it took awhile) I just said something like, "yes. I'm growing dreads... I don't want my hair to be a constant topic of conversation, let's drop it." Once in awhile I get a comment here and there (negative)... but i don't even respond, or correct assumptions (e.g. "actually, I wash my hair all the time"). I just try to stay positive. Don't get defensive! As far as your mom's arguments for why dreads are bad... simply FALSE. I'm a professional, so no job issues here. I've rented just fine... just because you have dreads doesn't mean you can't look presentable. I also happen to do research on bullying... and I'll tell you right now... kids don't bully other kids because of things like "your mom has dreads." Kids tease each other ALL THE TIME... and when they sense a weakness (like little animals), they'll pounce (sorry, I'm over-simplifying here, but I'm sure you get the gist). If they don't tease about "yo momma got dreads" they'll tease about something else. Wear 'em proud. If you can't be confident around your family how can you be truly confident around everyone else?
I don't see any parallels to the Nazis... amethystrse, mums are just like that. mine refuses to say "my daughter has dreads." she has to say "my daughter is trying to have dreads", making it clear that she thinks only black people and druggies should have dreads. it is really hard to explain to others, and no point forcing them to understand... to most of us dreads are an intensely personal and sometimes spiritual experience, and to those who won't understand, it's just hair, and another excuse to abuse "different" people. but being true to yourself is always worth anything negative that comes externally. you are a beautiful woman, and I wish the best of luck to you
My folks are fine with it, and most of my family is too... I had a very interesting idea, Go to your parents with your dreads in all their knotty glory, THEN see what they say!
Thanks everyone! You're posts really made me feel much better. If she brings it up again I'm just going to ask that we agree to disagree. I think she's more worried about what her friends will say than anything else. *sigh*
just explain to her exactly why you want them and why you like them. I used to work at a veterans club and most people HATED my hair because they are old and conservative and just dont understand. As soon as you sit down and talk to them about it they warm up very quickly. Dreads are a very natural thing, and most people repect that, if you dont, then whatever, cause i do and i love em' all!!!!!
I get this comment from my father every couple of weeks: "Did ya lose ya comb, ya dang hippie!?" and I reply: "Well, Daddy, at least my hair ain't grey and thinning!" That usually shuts him up.
As with anything that is "different", you're going to face these kinds of things...and they suck, but so long as you feel good about who you are, and what you're doing, don't worry too much what others say. I don't know your mother personally, but I'd expect that it's something that she will eventually just get used to, and even if she doesn't, and still doesn't like it, doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't accept you, or anything. You said yourself you two are from two different cultures, and in that regard, she's probably NOT going to ever "understand" it...and may always make comments... but it doesnt mean she doesn't accept you. I haven't had dreads long enough to understand this yet--- but, I have been ridiculed for being vegetarian, and for facial piercings and the like... from parents, relatives, whoever. There are times I even get stopped in random places out in public by strangers asking me weird things about my labret piercing... See, but that's the funny thing about it all.. to me, my labret isn't a big deal...it isn't weird or different to me, but it is to a lot of people, and on that level, we're all different, and with differences comes difficulty in understanding each other, or even wanting to sometimes. The biggest issue I had was going vegan... my family was RIDICULOUS about it... but over time it got better. It may have been that I learned to just accept that they were from a different mindset than I was, and didn't mean any harm by it... or it might have been that they did the same, or both. Anyway....lots of rambling. The point is... it's going to be difficult, to be "different", but so long as you can stand strong for who you are, things should get better.
That's just it. To me dreads aren't weird. They're beautiful. Granted, I wish the ones in the back of my head looked good. But that's OK. I know they'll come out great. I love having dreads and am sad that I never kept them in the past. For me, dreads are somewhat spiritual though I can't fully put into words why. I feel connected to my looooong dead ancestors (part Irish and Scottish both of whom were Celtic at one time) and I feel this connection with the Divine though I can't explain how. I feel like they're a commitment to myself. I don't wear them for anyone else other than me. When it comes to strangers, I don't care what they think of my dreads. I don't care what they think about anything about me for that matter. What I do care about is that if someone is going to like me that they do so because of who I am, not because of how I look. But when it comes to family I always yearn for acceptance. It's something I've never really felt I had (I'm soooo the black sheep).
