Well, it is pointless, really. Why do I post things here about my personal problems? Do I expect some sort of reply? Not really - the replies are all the same, all the time. Sure, I'm grateful to those who have kind things to say, but... it really goes deeper than that, I think. I may be losing my job soon - I'm not sure, and I'll have to wait until Tuesday to find out. Why? Because I'm a fuck-up: I've taken too much sick time. I used up all my sick days long ago and have had to resort to using vacation time as emergency sick time. Up until recently, I've been late to work daily. Overall, a lot of it is because I can't stand my job. The rest of it is because I have some "personal problems", most of which are of a psychological nature, which make things very difficult for me. Just getting out of bed many days is an almost insurmountable challenge. To add to it, I have a great deal of trouble falling asleep - it's now 6am local time. Fortunately, I don't have to work today, but this is nothing unusual. Even with sleep medication, I still have problems actually falling asleep. How can I explain this to an employer? How can I expect people to understand this? I can't. Plain and simple, if I were in a management position, would I want someone like me working for them? No. I'm not really sure what to do. My doctors are useless - they just keep throwing more medications at me and sending me to pointless talk-therapy sessions. Last year, I was such a mess, they wanted to hospitalize me, or at the very least, send me to a group therapy program. I did neither as I thought the required time off work would affect my ability to *return* to work. I'm falling over the edge again, and I'm not sure I even care this time. Why should I care? It's all the same, over and over again, day after day, for the rest of my life. And then I die. I can't take anything with me, so what's the point? Why don't I just die now and get it overwith? If I lose my job, it's pretty likely that's what is going to happen. I'll never find another job that pays well enough in this economy - not when more and more jobs for which I qualify have been shipped to some poor saps in Bangalore. It never ends as long as I'm alive, and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper every day, no matter whether i'm trying to correct problems or not. It's getting old. I'm tired. One phrase keeps going over and over through my mind... "I want to go home..." It doesn't matter even if I *am* home... I still find that thought crossing my mind. What is "home"? Am I seeking a return to some form of innocence? Childhood perhaps? My childhood wasn't something I'd care to live through again, at least partly because there wasn't much time to be a child before I started having to deal with very adult emotions. Is "home" an idealized image of something that doesn't exist in my world? Or is it just my mind using the closest and easiest words at hand to express a desire to be "someplace else" - someplace where the grass is greener? When you can't control your emotions, that is one hell of a mind-fuck....
Maybe you should become a nomad of some sort. And it sounds like you're depressed. Don't let it get to you. Depression is a bitch. Sorry I don't have anything worthwhile to say, but I felt that I had to say something.
Home is now, home needn't be a desire, as you are letting it. You might examine your mind and become aware of this desire, find out what it is all about. Do not desire to destroy this desire, simply become aware of it. If you are aware of it, how can you consciously allow it to get to you and bring you down? Stop the medication, it won't help. Become aware of your minds reliance on the medication. If you are aware of it, how can you allow it to exist? Become aware of everything without questioning or interpretation and allow all to take its course. If you are aware of something that causes harm, how can you allow it to happen. Let go. To take action or not to take action. Desires are unnecessary, they only lead to taking action or not taking action. Either way, if you allow your desires to make the decision for you, the desire will forever be required and will forever corrupt your happiness. You'll discover this on your own. Just let go and live.
I think you post here cause you can vent and hope for feedback, but if it's negative, you can turn off your computer and never deal with it again... I do the same thing....it's not very satisfying though, is it.
If you can't sleep at night have you thought of working the night shift? That way you wouldn't have to get up in the morning. Also, if you really do hate your job the stress of that could cause your anxiety and no sleep. Live one day at a time and if you lose your job don't look at it as an ending or something to dread. Look at it as an opportunity to do something else, something you value. If your values are not being nurtured and fed then you will be unhappy. For example, if you value honesty and you are in a job where you lie on a daily basis(used car salesman) you will not be happy. Satisfaction and fulfillment comes from doing something you really enjoy or making a contribution that is connected to something you value. Just something to think about. I've been depressed and I know what that's like. It just sucks the energy out of you. Also, people with obsessive compulsive personality or disorder can have trouble sleeping, I know cause I live with two of them. The thing is most of these things take a lot of work to diagnose and the damn doctors are too lazy and too busy passing out Prozac to get to the real issues. You may have been misdiagnosed with depression when it is really something else. I can recomend a book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Dr. Amen. Helps you to understand symptoms of other disorders that may go along with depression but need different kind of treatment. Hope this helps. Good Luck and remember, one day at a time.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. And no, it's not all that satisfying, but it does help sometimes to just get it "out there" where maybe someone can point out something that I'm missing. I keep journals on and off, and that helps organize my thoughts, I think. But sometimes, having a "peer review" helps.
I've done this before. It isn't so much that I'm "nocturnal", there are other factors at play. Well, job stress anxiety is certainly a contributing factor. As for losing my job, well... I still have it. But if I lose it, it's not going to be easy finding another one. I work in IT - the field where all the good jobs are being shipped off to minimum-wage-equivalent workers in some 3rd-world country. At this rate, all that'll be left in developed nations is burger-flippers and CEO's. Doing something I would find fulfilling would require attending school full time. I am not in a position where I am able to do this... it is financially impossible. Don't I know it... I have, in fact been diagnosed with depression, but the box that they seem to think I fit best in (and really, I must agree) is "Borderline Personality Disorder", and depression and anxiety and social problems tend to revolve around this diagnosis like moths to a light. Whatever the case, I've been through several doctors (working on #4 now) and doing what we both agree is best. So far, it's not working that well. Thanks very much - it does help. And I try to remember that little bit of wisdom every day... but it's hard.
Well, at least this thing is some form of therapy, right? I'd consider the nomad thing, not forever, just for a little while. You could get your head together & whatnot. Like in About Schmit...whadda great independent film. Anyways...ya, haha...try that. It'll all get better & you'll learn from it.
