I feel crazy. Paranoid, distant and really numb. For the past few years, I've had episodes where the only way I can describe it is myself, my being, shifts and moves to the back of my skull where it just sits and watching everything going on helplessly. I've been in and out of psychologists and therapists offices and I've talked to them in length about this and all I've learned is it's just intense anxiety. But when I feel like this, I become suicidal and self-destructive. I've learned coping methods and feel like I have a much better control of myself even compared to a year ago. But right now, I'm slipping rabidly. A combination of environment and mental influences are really taking their toll. I'm especially stressed right now and I've been binge drinking and taking drugs that I know I should not be doing, especially at this unstable time. I want to S.I but I haven't, so that's positive. But still, I don't want to continue living in this constant stuggle for sanity. I need to go back to therapy and just swallow my pride for once rather than sucking it up and pushing forward until I snap.
I used to feel this way for about a year. It started about 2 years ago, when my then boyfriend would treat me like complete shit. I was exactly the same way you are.. self-destructive, and drinking a lot and doing drugs I wasn't supposed to. I was depressed and had anxiety attacks alot. It seemed like everyone was against me, even my friends and family. I am so much better now, and a lot happier. I can't even remember the last time I was upset and cried. I broke up with my boyfriend and got all the negative shit out of my life. I went to college and met up with a lot of cool people that make me really happy. If I was you, I'd first try to get all of the negative shit out of your life.. even if it may be something important to you. Going to therapists and shit could work too even though i've never been to one, but you said you have.. so I'm sure you know they can be good. The main thing is just to get all the negative things out of your life and just start thinking positive.
You aren't going to kill yourself. You're looking for something. And yes, it does exist. Conformity will drain every last drop.
But the problem is everything is fine in my life. I surround myself with positive people and vibes, I do not "conform", I do what makes me happy. I am blessed to have the life I live, with a family that loves me and friends that make my life worth living. This fills me with guilt because even while leading my "ideal" life, I still feel hopeless and anxious and paranoid.
