Should I come out or stay in? (and a bit about my story)

I'm in Grade 11 at the moment and I'm currently "in the closet". I've realised now that gay thoughts came into my mind around when I was in Grade 7 but it wasn't until Grade 8 where I was more aware, but I stayed in denile until the end of Grade 9. For the summer holidays after Grade 9 and part of Grade 10, I semi accepted that I was gay, but with the views others had upon gay's around me I felt as if i wouldn't survive in the world and had suicidal thoughts (thankfully I didn't take it too far). It wasn't until the end of Grade 10 where I accepted that I was gay and could be happy with in myself with what I am.

There's only one person who does know that I'm gay, but she lives on the other side of my country, that i made close friends who i met through a game. She has helped me at times come to grip with myself and help me think straight when I found it difficult to stay happy and actually advised me to look for a forum where i can talk with other people, so here I am.

I do find it a struggle to maintain my secret as best I can from others and I plan to finally come out once I graduate from highschool to avoid bullying, teasing and being ignored by others. But pressures and the annoyance of my secret get on my mind frequently to the extent when I want to blurt it out. I'm afraid that if I do come out now, my friends I have now will desert me as they would feel pressurised to because they would gain "bad reputation" and ruin their school life, which would force me to be alone and depressed. I'm also concerned about how my father would react, our relationship when I was young was not pleasant and I'm only slowly acting more civil towards him now after my parents split up, however, recently he made a negative comment on gay's at a dinner we went to (which included my Mum, sister and my sisters boyfriend), but I really want to express myself and stop pretending to everyone that "I find women attractive" and "What I would do with my wife and family later on in life."

Please help with either advice or just comfort me with your own stories

ps: sorry for the long message, this is my first post and I felt it was necessary to cover everything and to "vent off".

 

Welcome ShadowShifta.

I hear you, growing up and all your life not being trapped in the closet is not an easy thing to do. Waking up every and constantly trying to act straight, trying to be someone your not is exhausting. And the worst part is is that there is nobody to talk to when you need it most. This is a good place to start. Even telling a complete stranger is a bit of a relief.

I encourage you to look around, especially the coming out/confused section. One of the things that helped me was reading other people's stories. Sure, you'll find a few depressing stories but many of them will hopefully instill a sense of optimism. Even some of the more depressing ones sometimes turn out alright in the end.

I grew up thinking that all my friends would hate me if they found out I was gay or that they would not want to be friends because they don't want to be caught hanging out with a gay guy. I was horribly wrong. Everyone I've told has responded well to the news. Some even kind suspected I was gay and were relieved that I told them. It has even brought my friends and I closer together.

Parents are another beast altogether. I haven't told mine yet. From what I've read from other people's experiences, a lot of parents are accepting even if it takes them a bit of time to adjust.

Once again, welcome.

Ian

 

Thanks for the welcome Ian,
it is reassuring that im not alone and people do understand what i'm going through, im just glad there's proof of it with text now. I'll be posting around the place, and for the time being i'll stay in the closet.

 

Be happy.

 

Ok, new question. I have a great relation with my mum, we can talk about anything and are both open minded. I believe we have a strong bond and so does she. The thing is, i don't think she has a clue that im gay, she talks abouts things like "soon you'll be going off to clubs and bringing girlfriends", but i hate keeping this secret from her. I have thought often that i could tell her and ask for her not to tell anyone but my mum is hopeless when it comes to secrets. She'll wont be able to tell absolutely no one and thats what im afraid of. She wouldnt hurt me intentionally but if she told someone i would feel betrayed? (i dont know the write descriptive word), i would prefer everyone to find out through me and not by word of mouth and through gossip. So im unsure whether i should come clear with her soon or at the same time i'll tell everyone else and i don't want to hurt her feelings. It's getting harder as we talk about gay's when topics pop up on the news and im not sure how much longer i can keep it a secret from her.

Please help with some advice or your own stories, i don't like doing this alone >.<

 

I don't think you should come out yet if you're unsure as to how people will react to the news. There is far too much pressure on young gay men and boys to come out of the closet once they're sure of their homosexual orientation. Give it time. As you become more confident in yourself and more sure of yourself in respect to your sexuality, you should be ready to come out to those that you know.

I understand what you mean about your mum. Though my mum isn't the type to tell secrets and such, I really understand how you feel when your mum speaks of you bringing home girls and things like that. Really, as I said before, give it time, become more sure of yourself and in time, hopefully things will come right

 

I'm proud to be gay and i enjoy it, wouldn't change it even if I could. I'm pretty certain my mum wouldnt change in behaviour towards me that's why I plan to open up to her first before anyone else. I do feel ready to tell someone I know, but I worry about the possible consequences too much, I don't really know if I'm thinking too much in depth or not.

 

What's the situation at school like?

I went to Perth Modern, it's in Subiaco and was out from Year 10 ->
I had a few problems at first, but none that went further than the occasional name calling,
I also had a great group of friends that stuck up for me at the time too.

Do you mind if i ask what school you go to?

 

Oh by the way, by the time i was in Year 11, no body gave me any more shit, at all -
In fact, i was kind of friends with alot of different people, the nerds, outcasts, popular people, gangsta's etc.

 

People are cruel, when I came out this year, I got made fun of, beat up, rocks thrown at me, people drive by in there cars yelling fag this, fag that, one time someone actually wrote die fag on my locker. Even though i go through all of this, I have to say it was worth it.

 

My dad tried to kick me out to.

 

Arizona sucks.

 

I came out to close friends during my junior and senior years of high school.

Then I came out to everyone after I graduated.

It's a very nice feeling. But it's important to wait until you're 100% sure.

 

I plan on coming out to friends and people i know at school after i graduate so i can have the freedom to walk away and not be contained and forced to be in the environment at my school, and also so people can make their individual decisions on me rather than being peer pressured. Reasons being is 'cause the topic of gay's at my school isn't too pleasant. If someone did one act that would fall under the stereotype of a gay, they would be bashed, rejected, teased, threatened and more. The bullying will usually last for around a week or more and this usually happens to people who aren't even gay and i don't want to imagine if they knew that i really was gay. My year is full of people with a homophobia to some degree, which includes a select few that hang around the group i'm with.

And the school that i go to, i'd prefer not to mention just for the fact there is a small possibilty of something leaking out. i'll become an open target and forced to come out in a way i'd prefer not to.

But i want to be able to openly talk about "the real me" to someone face to face, hence why i'm leaning towards the possibility of telling my mum which goes back to the problem i talked about in a previous post in this thread about my secret leaking out to others.

 

That's totally fine. As others have said, don't come out unless you are ready and feel comfortable doing so. School in particular can be stressful and if you think coming out may add more stress then just don't do it.

Typically, the whole social structure found in high school is suddenly non-existant after graduation. People just seem a lot more grown up about things. There are exceptions but I definitely think you should follow your instinct and wait until you're finished.

Be proud, be happy and most importantly be safe.

-Ian

 

I'm trying to be happy, but the struggle is just a massive pain in the ass. If anal causes this much or more pain in the ass, i think i'll be sticking to 4play and oral.

 

that is my story all over

 

Is there anyone outside of school that you are close to and trust? Perhaps it might be easier to tell them. Hopefully it will provide someone to talk to about it. It really is the greatest feeling being able to talk to someone openly about being gay, even if it is just one person. It's as if all the tension that has built up over the years starts to evaporate.

I'm not sure what else to say. In the end the decision is up to you and I hope whatever you decide, that it will benefit you and hopefully you'll be happy with your choice.

I wish you luck.

Ian

 

I do have one friend who knows i'm gay, and i've originally been talking about my struggles with her before i found this forum. Although, she lives on the otherside of my country and i can't always talk to her when ever i want (cause i can only contact her through AIM). But she's really the only person that i'm close to and knows all about me.

And about the telling someone outside of school who i'm close to and trust, goes back to my other posts about the option of telling my mum or not. Still not sure what to do.

Thanks for the luck, i need it