for the floridians, should they ever be able to access the internet again...

ADVICE ON HURRICANES We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Ohio. Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you ! get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Ohio.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE! : If you live in a low-lying area you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
-23 flashlights and at least
-$167 worth of batteries that won't work or will be the wrong size for the flashlights.
-Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
-A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
-A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
-A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) -$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

 

No, we don't want all the ohioans that we got rid of to move back up here!



On a related note, my grandparents live in Washington DC half the year and West Palm Beach the other half probably don't have a winter home anymore.

There is also another tropical storm brewing that may hit Florida in about a week.

 

Hey, I just survived hurrican frances and all i got was this lousy post!

 

Hey did you write that?

It's funny as shit, and hardly exagerated at all. My homeowner's insurance premium is obscene, and I live inland in a bunker of a house.

Thanks for the entertaining post!

 

thanks for the kind information.

us floridians are hunkered down (whatever that means) quite nicely.

the outside of the eyewall has entered my county, and things are starting to go to hell right now. it's windy!!!

still got electricity for the moment. prayers for all the people who are in the dark. be careful folks!

 

no, i don't know who wrote it. i got this from a friend in FL.

but i spent my early childhood in florida, and i remember the bleach. what IS the bleach for?

 

Hehehe...my neighbor's goats are in the street. Guess he had a fence blow down.

 

probably to disinfect drinking water. That's not a problem for me, seeing as I don't even wash with the stuff, let alone drink it.

I got that line from an old western.

 

ah, i did wonder. when our tree was blown over in our front yard, i remember my dad pouring a little bit into the whole to discourage alligators from taking up residence. i'm sure that's illegal now.

 

phone lines and electricity are crazy,our winds are at 50 mph but not sustained,our lights keep flashing,the anticipation is killing me..aahhhhhhhh,any how,were buckled down so we appreciate all concern,the core is located around 50 mph from where i live.......

 

yeah... i am waiting for the other shoe to drop. according to the radar, this area is right on the edge of the eyewall, and yet it is not all that bad outside. plenty of wind and some angular rain... but nothing destructive as of yet.


florida is being punished for the 2000 election... these hurricanes are reminding us not to be so stupid this time around...

 

lol. c'mon, what about all those innocent people? it wasn't all florida's fault. i think bush won new mexico, too.

 

Stay safe everyone...was watching some live footage on the news...in one way i feel sorry for you, although i am jealous of the entertainment you are getting! I love storms, by the time it gets up here i would imagine it will be pretty drained...although we do get remnant storms lots of times.

 

i remember hurrican frederick. i was very young, and my dad look very scared for us kids, and it didn't even hit us directly. whatever else my dad may have screwed up in our relationship, i'll never forget how sad and scared he looked and how many kisses he gave us.

 

it is very entertaining outside. it looks a lot like "The Wizard of Oz"

 

Im definitely jealous now....hmmm maybe a tornado could come my way.......haven't heard that howling for a long time.


I just love the color of the sky during severe storms...greenish gray

 

me, i miss earthquakes.

 

I've only experienced a few earthquakes, the most severe about 2 weeks after i moved to southern california...was still sleeping on my friends floor when everything started shaking and it felt like we were on a boat in a storm....I could see how those would be addictive.