Silent sea

So many years have slipped away
since we last sailed, far away
the sails are up and the wind is right,
and diamonds are floating, at a mighty height
they will guide us , they never betray
and the pale blue moon shall light our way
now is the time we say goodbye
to every thought and memory that made us cry
come sail away with me , you will not regret
come sail away with me , do not fret
for this sea is always silent, never rough never violent

comments appreciated
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I really like this poem and the images in it, especially the bit about the diamonds.

The only things I would say in a less than positive light would be the initial rhyme of away and away... though I admit I can't come up with a better way to say the same message and have it work. The "come sail away with me , do not fret" I feel is kind of filler to rhyme with regret, maybe there's another word that could work?

But overall I really like the poem, good work.

 

thanks

 

yea for a song to be good it doesnt always have to rhyme, but your stuff is still really good. keep it up! :thumbs up:

 

I like this, good job.

 

I enjoyed visualising this poem and I felt good reading it. As with FloydianSlip, I think the second line rhyme could be better.... How about

Since we last sailed, that New Year's Day

I think this also suggests back at the beginning of the relationship. Maybe.
Anyway, that's my two cents worth. Overall, I like it. Good work.

Peace,
Aidan.

 

Ya it makes me think of a love lost, I liked it. Good images and I like the way that you presented it to, almost looks like a ship.