POEM The world is in a state of disarray There is no peace where the children play There is no peace where the adults are And all that is left of beauty is a scar We define evil and let it go But it is here and you should know Corrupt politicians and greedy men They all work together in a world of sin The personal choice is one you will make To contribute to evil and ignore your heart's ache Or to contribute to a bettery society And make a dream into a reality Does this poem suck or is it good? Criticism welcome
well the words are there but try rearranging them so you have a more complex rhyme structure otherwise it reads like a birthday card rhyme and therefor loses its impact the reason why poets stuck to definite syllable structures and rhyming schemes was because they worked - byron used the above scheme quite well but only when he wanted to convey flippancy read this its about poetic meter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetic_meter
I want all the forum moderators to take good notice of Ronnie's post. A lot of bitter and jealous people have accused Ronnie of being disruptive in the past. Some have even gone so far as launching a campaign of racial hatred against him. I just hope that when the people who did this eventually have children, that they are not treated by strangers in the same deplorable bullying manner that Ronald Macdonald has been treated with in here. Especially by Canadians. From Quebec. That bit near the old colonial bar near the river. With the blonde barmaid with the big tits in it. Here we see a shiny example of the strong helping the weak. Ronald has given an aspiring poet solid advice, which will help launch her literature batchelaurate, and eventually lead to bigger and better things, e.g. General Secretary of the United Nations. Bear in mind that the she will not have to do shorthand and dictations when she becomes General Secretary of the United Nations, but she will have to follow the long tradition of doing whatever the US president tells her to do. She will also have to look like Condoleeza Rice.
I really like the message and the use of language is good. But like ronald said I think moving things around to make it more complex would be good. Unless you wanted to set it to music, THat could give you more freedom in phrasing. Do you play anything?
i used to take guitar but my mother canceled the lessons, im not sure why. i sing though, im trying to start some sort of a band but it keeps getting screwed up lol.
its good i think but yea u culd make it more complex...but like i have room to talk my poems cant compare to urs at all
I am new to this site but I just finished writing a series of poems/stories that would tie well into what you wrote, hopefully when I can post you will read and maybe agree with what I have written.
thanx guys, @ jim: yeah ur right it was an earlier one, i think when i was about ten...? yeah well thanx, luv ya back!
It was good Dark but not a emo poem in any manner Loved the sound in the second verse try to carry it through out the poem
