Need relationship perspective please.

Alright, I guess I'm here for some perspective on my relationship. My wife and I are already trying to work things out, and already see a couples counselor, but some more thoughts can't hurt.

Basically, we have been a couple for 8 years, married for 4. During a majority of that time, mostly within the past 4-5 years, she has been fighting depression, and now she feels she is coming out of it and discovering herself, and wanting to do lots of things she hasn't done before. For instance, She wants to go to Burning Man this year, and I would love to go, but it coincides with the first week of the semester and I just can't get away, but I think she is going to try and go by herself, or meet someone she has been conversing with online.

She is interested in crushes on other boys, and getting that fresh like/love feeling again, as she is meeting and talking with a number of guys online, and on the phone thereafter. I think she feels like she is starting to get old (31) and not getting hit on anymore so she is looking for it, and that she is not beiong treated like an individual when she identifies herself as married, so she doesn't and that leaves the door open. She says they are all just friends interested in things she is interested in (like art, tatoos, etc). But I find it hard to trust her, especially after she went to spend a night at one guys house "as a friend" but didn't tell me about it cause she thought I would be mad.

I am trying to keep an open mind, to learn about open relationships, and to trust that she is committed to our relationship but curious and adventuresome right now. Admittedly, her fringe ideas and attitudes and her ability to do things on the spur of the moment are some of what attract me to her, but also cause me lots of stress.

I wish I could offer her more personally, but I work my ass off daily with a part-time job, with grad school, and with keeping up with her needs (stemming from the mental health problems) so I end up doing all the housework for example. And I feel even more put off because I have given alot of myself to her and now I feel she is being selfish (and she'll agree with that), now that she is feeling better I want that enegy and time (at least some alot? of it for me). Am I in a doomed state here? Is it just a phase as she says? Should I hold in there as we figure out just what kind of relationshp we have and need?

This is all just the tip of the iceberg with us right now, but only so much you can write to start a forum thread. I am suffering mentally, emotionally and physically through this, but I don't want to give up on us.

Any of y'alls thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

IMO your couples counselor is the best person to talk to in your situation. One thing I will say though is that counseling only works if your are completely open and honest. I am not suggesting that you aren't being honest by saying that. I have known many people that have gone to counseling but hold back because they are worried about their partners reaction. So, talk to the counselor about your wife's new found interest in other men and her sneaking around. Are you really willing to engage in an open relationship? Is it something YOU want as well? Because if you are contemplating it for your wife you would be doing it for the wrong reason and very likely regret it. Not saying open marriages are inherently bad, but don't do it if it isn't something you want. Compromising is great when it comes to housework or paint colors, but not an open marriage. They take a LOT of trust and understanding!

Even with the depression it is still wrong to continue with actions that hurt your spouse, partner or family. The counselor is there for you and your wife to find a way to have a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

Sorry if my answer is hazy, but I didn't know where to start ;-)

 

i think she has you right where she wants you.she should not be flirting and so forth with other people.if she is doing it to "get out of her depression" you should be the one trying to help her not some online strangers...i would seriously consider the counseling and see of she can commit to that and to your relationship, if she doesn't commit to that than what makes you think she would commit to you? just be cautious and keep your guard up and hopefully things will work out for you.

 

it sounds like you know it isn't right for her to treat you this way, but that you're afraid to put your foot down. maybe you're worried that once you do, you'll lose her. but you can't live like that, and relationships have to have an equal amount of contribution from both parties. there can't be all give and no take or vice versa. keep working at it, but be your own individual. make sure to take some time for yourself... maybe take a break from doing all the house stuff and go out with some grad student friends of yours for a little breather. good luck

 

Is she on medication for her depression now, or is she just trying to battle it on her own? Seeking out atttention from other men can actually be a manifestation of the depression....looking for that "new" feeling is so much easier than dealing with the problems in an already established relationship for a person going thru depression.

Is she seeing a counselor on her own? If not, it may be a really good idea. Sounds like she needs to learn some coping skills , as well as both of you learning to establish boundaries within your realtionship. It's not a healthy relationship if only one person is working to make it that way, and walking on eggshells so to not upset the other person.

 

well said.
listen, as a married man, you are commited to stay with your wife through good AND bad. problem is, she also vowed to stay faithful and this sounds all to familiar. she is messing around. don't go off what i am saying but she IS showing enough signs to warrant you doing some investigation. if you are working hard and suffering then you deserve to know the whole story. you never know, she might have gotten herself caught up in something and may want to get caught. it might be stressful for her to sneak but can't stop. she stayed at another mans house and lied to you about it is a major flag dude. look into it.

 

GROW SOME BALLS!!! Shes cheating and your too puss to put an end to it. Grow up, its no wonder she doesn't respect you.

 

i agree to that too

 

i'm in an open relationship. i'm not a jealous sort, my husband is out of town a lot and all that. but you know what? i'm getting some VERY hinky vibes off your situation. there's something wrong here. it's not about an open relationship, or about her depression. were my husband and i to meet up with your two, we wouldn't touch either of you until you get this worked out. it's not to say that your relationship is wrong, it's to say that there's a major imbalance in your relationship that needs to be addressed. couples and individual counseling are going to be very valuable to you, i think.

 

how can you get vibes off of a short internet posting???

its like saying you can read someones aura after only seeing a blurry picture.

 

did you read it too? sounds fucked up to me. she's actively pursuing activities that have nothing to do with her man, lying ot people she's talking to on the phone about her lifestyle status. major red flags for a swinger couple looking for friends. i wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole.

 

and don't be such a literalist. "bad vibes" is just every day parlance for "this shit stinks."

 

I'm not getting the impression that this is in fact, an "open relationship" situation, it sounds more like one person trying to do whatever they can to please the other person, for fear of driving them away. In a true open relationship, there would be no sneaking around or lying to the spouse, everything would be out on the table and agreed upon. yeah, bad vibes for sure!!

 

I've read all your replies, and am thankful for your thoughts. To reply to a few of them:

We are finding couples counseling very valuable. It is helping us clearly view the situation from an objective standpoint so that we can make the decisions we need to make. Whether that be, she leaves, I leave, we work it through, etc. I know I have options in this case, and she knows that too know after our last session. We are agreeing on what we each need to know and be like, and then the other can decide if that is for them or not. The key is knowing the other's intentions, so that one may act on them.

She has been under medical care for her depression for a long time. She just seems to be battling through it better now, and wants to "make up for lost time" in good ways too like starting up the business she has always wanted, and spendin gmore time with her family. But as a result I am being marginalized in the realtionship I feel.

As for the "open relationship" situation. We had long talked about having a more open relationship sexually, but we had not yet agreed to any guidelines or boundaries, and thus had not yet undertaken any activity of the sort. I am interested in such a relationship, only if there is full discolsure involved, and I don't see a problem with that. She might, and if so she has to make that decision, and I will react to it I guess. I am even more interested in having a truly open marriage relationship relating to friendships, time apart, etc, and doing so without being jealous, allowing freedom of growth for each other, etc. Ever read the book "Open Marriage: A New Lifestyle for Couple" by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. This is helping me understand and clarify where I want to be and where I want us to be. Sex is just a very small part of it, though a very important part to get right.

Finally, and we really need help here. We have some serious trust issues, because she undertook some actions in the past year that made me suspicious, and then I reacted by looking at some of her mail and papers, and we both found out. But as our counselor and dark_hippy both said, you have to do what you have to do if your not getting the whole story. How can we oversome these trust issues which I think are the biggest hurdle for us in the long run?

 

you can't have an open relationship with trust issues. it just NEVER works. it always ends badly for the couple. before you embark on this, you have to trust. i don't know how to deal with trust issues. you either have them or don't. but one thing you do not want to introduce to other couples is a destabilized relationship. it tends to be a catching disease.

 

Agree with above. You can't trust her now, so you think an open relationship would be better. I think your just avoiding your true issues.