will i ever trust him again?

If they were communicating openly and honestly then the affair could not have occured. Obviously at least one of them is not so "honest".

 

Go back and read the whole post and quit picking out little snippets to try to prove your point.

 

It's like banging my head against a brick wall, i am NOT pretending i trust him, i don't trust him right now, i just wanted to know if it was possible to trust him again, which i have stated about 2 or 3 times now.
Yes i do hope i trust him again one day.
I appreciate you have your opinion and you have given it about 2 or 3 times and it more or less is the same thing that you keep saying, so i get how you feel about cheaters.

 

i can't blame you if you lose your trust to your husband coz he cheated you..but if he asked for a second chance and you saw that he's willing to change and he really deserve it then go and start a new life for the sake of your children...if you already forgive him you must forget everything he's done if you can't it means you're not totally forgive him...try to go on a vacation w/ your family..it might help you ...

 

IF you were saying you trusted him now, I would know you were not being honest with yourself or him. It's 100% natural NOT TO TRUST HIM now. As our therapist said, that is something that has to be rebuilt and it can take months, even years. It's more important that you are TRYING to learn how to trust him again,and being honest, than to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend it never happened. Along those lines, you CAN expect setbacks; just when you think you are getting to the point where things aren't getting to you as much, something small will happen, and it will bring back those feelings. When that happens, talk to your husband, tell him what triggered it, and why, and use it as a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block. Hope this helps some.....

 

call me what you like but the problem now does not lie in the cheaters pants, he has already contributed to what you say was already a bad relationship leading up to the cheating,however now the problem lies in the forgivers mind, and in my own experience i could never forget the heartbreak of the man i loved stuffing his dick in some other women's pussy, i'm sorry but that is devastating.yeah you may say it's just an act and that they can grow from it and that the real problem is the reason why he chose to cheat or what led him to cheat and not the actual cheating. you say if you love each other you can work through the infidelity i think that's bullshit, love should have stopped him from cheating......he can own up to what he did all he wants but it doesn't stop the visions of him fuckin some other woman rushing through her head when he's late coming home from work....eventually resentment comes and the paranoia of him cheating again come crawling into your mind and to me that is no way to live and besides there's gotta a better mate out there.....who won't cheat......HER QUESTION IS WILL I EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN AND IN MY OPINION NOT COMPLETELY. THAT'S NOT A PESSIMIST THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL A REALIST

 

i'm sorry but if my husband bought me a house or he got a raise or his momma died and he used that as his excuse for cheating i would probably die of laughter.......

 

the point is she wanted to know if she could trust him again and no where in your posts do you give her an answer. you have been giving her reasons why her man cheated maybe you should READ HER POST.....

 

Oh get over yourself. What I am doing is giving her factual information, NOT SOLELY based on my OPINION, as yours is, but based on RESEARCH....Ultimately, SHE will decided WHEN and IF she can trust him. And, furthermore, in order to make an INFORMED decision as to whether or not she can get thru this, and HOW she can get thru this, it helps to understand the reasons WHY things like this can occur.

 

I cheated on my wife. I became very careless as the extracurricular relationship became emotional. i tried to push my wife away in hopes that she could move on and find someone better. she knew that i was running away from facing the hurt that i had caused her. when everything finally came to a head she stood by me like i could not believe. i was amazed at how incredibly strong thhis woman was. not only did i stop denying that i loved her but i became even more in love with her. more then for how strong she was but for how much she loved me. you have no idea who i am. you know nothing about me and the life that i lived. you are bitter and have little faith in humanity. i am here to tell you that nobody in my entire life has ever shown me love like this woman has. never will i ever betray her trust again. i have faced a LOT of humiliation from this and VERY willingly. i am especially fortunate that she has the brain to differentiate cheating from a malicious man, cocky and just out to get some side action to a man that has yet to learn to face his problems instead of run. thank you honey and it really does not matter what bitter people have to say. apparently everything to them is just black and white.

 

Maybe because you only want to hear that it will all be fine. No, you can't trust the untrustworthy. Do you hire a theif to watch your stuff? Like I said you can pretend but you will not trust him, its impossible. The reason I say pretend is because that is what you have to do or the relationship will fail from strain anyway. If you don't want opinions then don't post, really not that hard.

Well then post some evidence doctor.

Gee, I wonder why you are on the side you are on. So you took advantage of your wife when it became convenient for you, didn't have the balls to come clean, she stuck by you and that somehow proves your trustworthy? Why is that? Because this time the Love won't die? Didn't you have this great Love for her when you married? Did you always know you would cheat the first time or did it just happen?

 

Do some research on your own....use the internet for more than just entertainment. I don't pretend to be a doctor, as you so eloquently put it, but I DO have a counseling background as well as a position that enables me to access all the information I need to hold steadfast in my convictions on this topic. It's easy for someone to be embittered by whatever situations have occured in their lives, it's much harder to use your head sometimes and rise above that. You need to give the OP a break, she is the ONLY person to decide if her huband and their relationship can be fixed. By posting here, she was looking for some constructive input, i'm sure, NOT to get raked over the coals by people with their own issues.
Oh, and take a look around you...I think you *might* be surprised to learn (if people were honest and willing to talk about it) that situations like this occur in more relationships than you think, and *many* of those relationships go on to thrive...

 

Oh, no reasearch to post, surprising. Quit knocking others for stating opinions from experience(what the OP asked for), when you have nothing factual to prove your side.

Read the OP. She asked for peoples experiences/opinions regarding trust in this situation.

The relationships go on but is the trust level what it once was? Read my posts I stated that the relationship can be worked through, just that the trust never returns to pre-affair levels.

You just might be surprised that I said that in the first post I made to this thread. Here to make it easy for you:

 

i'm done replying to this combative no-it-all.

 

The LAST thing I have to say to you, is not only do I have facts to substantiate my position, but I have ALSO been thru it..so, I am IN FACT speaking from both the anayltical side as well as the emotional side. Maybe that is why I can look at the situation more objectively than *some*.

 

Maybe its because you want to believe the husband that cheated on you is trustworthy? I can see where that could make you a little biased.

 

you know i am so fuckin sick of people in this forum having an OPINION that don't respect other people's opinions....you don't know me either so stop saying i think all is black and white, i have no fuckin faith in humanity and that i am bitter..why is it when someone is headstrong about infidelity they get bashed for being bitter, i just don't want to have someone claiming to love me cheat on me... you don't know what my life has been like either i have lost a child, i have been hurt in ways that i would never wish on anyone even someone like you...you are very lucky to have a woman who forgave you and stood by you but for you to claim you love her more now is a shame....you married her and vowed to be faithful and you failed at such an easy task, oh poor you, you had some pressure and some hard times so that allowed you to fuck some other ass.i have had severe tragedy in my short life but i don't go around fucking people while "in love" and making excuses for them..who's to say you will never cheat again????you loved her when you married her and you cheated, now you love her even more does that mean you'll cheat even more.....?????sorry i'm just bitter and have no faith in cheaters.

 

yeah, i'd say there are a few bitter people on here. Sorry to the two of you above me that YES my situation is different than yours. Not only is it different, but I have chosend NOT to become bitter by the curveballs that my life has thrown at me, and BELIEVE ME, there have been more than you could imagine.
Disect my reasons for staying with the man who cheated on me all you want, both of you...but we have chosen to GROW from the situation rather than allow it to rip our lives apart. I suppose I could demand perfection from my marriage and my spouse, but I have not lived my life perfectly, and I cannot think of anyone i know who HAS. There is a complete difference when someone makes a mistake, owns that mistake, and actively works to understand why it occured so that they can make SURE it does not happen again. That is called growth in character, and that is WHY I have faith in my marriage and the man that cheated on me. If he was attemtping to pretend nothing had happened, had tried to blame his actions on me, or refused to answer every question I have had for him, or was unwilling to go to counseling, then he would simply be a cheater, and I would have no faith in him that he was remorseful for what he had done and wanted to work to make sure it never happened again.

And Mlee27, say its a shame for my husband to say that he loves me even more NOW all you want; but he has never ONCE tried to make an excuse for his behavior...he has worked every single day since this occured to rebuild, piece by piece, what he tore down, and he continues to do it evey day...and I am PROUD of him for what he has learned about himself. So, for as passionately as you want to hate all cheaters and stick to your opinion that they are ALL scum...I will stand beside my husband and be proud of him, NOT for his transgressions, but for the work he is doing to be the man he knows I deserve.

 

I ALSO said that isn't what i wanted to hear, i just wanted advice. That's the last time i'm going to repeat myself.
It's obvious you've been talking from experience and i'm sorry it didn't work out for you but WE will work hard to make it work for us, and some advice i've been given has helped me think about things differently.

 

first of all i never said your husband anything i was talking of someone else but as usual you haven't read the posts. i have never said that you shouldn't be forgiving i am simply stating what i feel and how i handle infidelity.never said i HATED CHEATERS what i do hate are people who assume and think that what works for them is the right way or only solution.maybe marriage vows don't mean anything to your prescious husband or you for that matter but i'm sure you can work through that too.......you are as one sided as you think i am and hopefully your husband can stay faithful to you but why would he?, you'll forgive and take him back anyway......