Indecision and confusion about my feelings

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of COURSE you have the rigth to be frustrated and upset over him magically changing his mind over somethign he suggested, especially with something as important as where you live and who you live with. i really hate having stuff not planned out but -especially- when it comes to housing. i can deal with a certain amount of chaos in my life as long as i have a safe/secure/comfortable place to return to to ground myself ie a home. if you dont know where youll be nor how youll finance it, of course you have the right to be upset

 

awh *hugs*
it's terrible how he worded things, but he's just scared
as you are

"Sometimes I feel like I love him more than he loves me."
I get the same way with my girlfriend
but when you get down to it, what the fuck does it matter?
you both care about each other, that's all that matters


let him know that what he said hurt you
that you believe in this relationship very strongly
and that he doesn't seem to bothers you

try to understand his side of things as well
guys tend to have lots of problems committing (I absolutely will not say the 'l' word at this point, and it's been over 6 months)
it's really all about fear though
we may hide it, but guys are really insecure creatures

reassure him, let him know that you believe in your relationship, and that everything will be okay

 

write it down.. that way you can construct it how you wish

 

that just sucks... can you afoord to take the apartment on your own???i would be pissed if he was acting that way....but unfortunatley his freinds word seems more important than yours..guys are always afraid to make the move,,, but if you don't try how will he know it wouldn't work...talk to him but don't beg at least he owes you a real non confrontational heart to heart and explain that living together could be such a great adventure there is nothing better than to know your coming home to the one you love...he could be missing out on such a great adventure, it would be a shame if his friends ruined it for him..and as far as him saying what if we break up and yada yada yada tell him nothing in life is a guarantee.and anyway if you do move in together and it doesn't end up working out who cares it doesn't mean the relationship has to end just cause you can't live together...

 

First of all I think you really should take some time to think about things and what you want to say until after you are PMSing. It might sound silly to some people, but those of us who tend to be emotional or melodramatic, such as myself when PMSing can make things seem worse than they are. I always try not to make important decisions like that when it is that time of the month because chances are likely that I will have a change of heart a week later.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him having second thoughts, regardless of why he is having them. This is a big step for both of you, and it seems as if the reason he is backing off a bit is for the health of the relationship, not because he doesn't care for you or want to be with you. You said yourself that he is concerned that moving in together too quickly could be damaging. I agree actually. I have seen it over and over again. That is not to say it won't work out. Jer and I have been living together for a couple of years now, but the first couple we lived separately. Actually, for a year he lived 100 miles away and I was the only one with a car so I had to drive to see him all of the time too.

Personally, I don't think it is a good idea for many people to live together before they know they want to get married. There are some others on this board who agree. I know for a fact that Jer would have proposed to me by now if we had never lived together because he told me so. So, if you want to marry this person in the future, you might want to consider that.

It complicates things, but you know that. It isn't just about saving money or time though. A lot of compromise is involved and some sacrifice. Everything isn't always peachy, but because you love each other you work through it.

As far as all of the what ifs... well to me that doesn't seem to be the point. Married people get divorced and they live together, and they figure out a way to manage. When I was going through my divorce I had to live with my ex for a few months while we sorted out living arrangement and until our lease was up. It wasn't pleasant, but you have to do what you have to do. So, what if you do break up in a year, big deal. You will figure it out, if it ever happens. You can't live your life around what ifs, that isn't living. At the very least you will have learned a lesson.

The one thing I do suggest though is to make sure you are both legally protected. It might sound harsh, but it is important. I'm not being cynical as I do believe in love and I have faith that you can make it work (even if it isn't perfect and you do have some fights). But it is always just best to make sure everyone is leagally bound to whatever agreement you come to. It shows that you trust one another not to screw each other over in the event that things do not turn out as planned. I learned that lesson the hard way when I got divorced and I haven't made that mistake again.

Good luck. You said yourself you will be fine either way, so don't worry about it too much, if the time is right, then it will fall into place, if it is not right yet, then just relax.