will i ever trust him again?

Thank you. and I know what you mean. Every guy I have ever been with that cheated on me, and I would found out from other people every time, cheated on me repeatedly, over and over again. I'm just fuckin lucky I don't have an std from one of those mother fuckers.

But if dark hippy is one of the few that learned, much praise to him. he just has to understand most men don't do that, learn, so females tend to be skeptical about that kind of shit.

but dark hippy if you truely want to enlighten us, why did you cheat? I don't think you said? was she hot and you couldn't wait to bone her ass? was it revenge? open us up to the mind of the cheater... I for one would like to know. and no I will not attack you for it I hope we can have a mature conversion.

 

i can tell you that infidelity was most definitely a very loose act in my home growing up. boundaries that should not be crossed in a home often were. i was exposed to this on a very regular basis and was never taught the real ramifications for these actions. even with all of the exposure that i was faced with i still lead a monogomous life as an adult and fell in love with a woman that i would end up being in a 3 1/2 year relationship with and prepared to marry her. i visited one of my brothers in another state for a week and when i came home caught my oldest brother in bed with my fiance. not only did i endure the hurt from her but the utter betrayl from my oldest brother that at one time was my hero. after that i stopped caring. i still did not cheat on females but was imfamous for jumping from relationship to relationship and was headed nowhere fast in every aspect of my life. finally i met a wonderful woman. we had a really rough start but i want to be with her very bad and we made it through that patch of hard times and our life started to look like there was a great future ahead of us. we had a child, and got married. i love her very much. i believe that a lot of our success in our relationship is that we were willing to sacrifice what we had in our homestate and move to another state away from certain distractions like family and old flames and such. well, recently the weight of responsibility became whatt seemed like too much for me to handle and as another learned trait i automatically wanted to flight instead of fight. i was dealing with depression that had gone untreated for many years and everything was too much. i started a relationship with a person that i had a crush on back in high school online. i became distant from my wife and eventually went back to my homestate for a "visit". i was feeling like that was my way out of all of this stress. i could not see that it was only the path that i would continue to follow my whole life if something did not step in and smack me in the head and tell me that i was going to end up a worthless asshole if i continued this shit. my wife found out and instead of telling me to get the fuck out, she was smart enough to realize that i was not doing this to be vendictive, hurtful, or greedy like most people that are hurt by this and automatically want to believe. she had too much vested oin our life and said that if you want to reconsile this then you will do some things that you might find humiliating, and it will take a lott of work, but you owe me this much. i agreed to do all of the things that she asked with little resistance. we talk about it, and i answer every question she has. i see a therapist and have had STD testing at our personal family physicians office. my friends and family all know what i did and i have taken every single ounce of responsibility. i feel an extreme sense of relief for being on the path that i m on now. that i have a wife that can handle that and never want to put her through that again. and in the midst of all of this have fought off a lot of demons from my past by simply standing up and facing problems instead of finding desperate, useless ways to run away like a coward.

 

no matter how you were raised or what you witnessed is a horrible excuse to hurt the one you marry.my mom was abused in every way possible even by her own incestuous mother and she CHOSE not to continue the cycle...when will it end??????will it end????what if you get STRESSED OUT AGAIN?where is the guarantee of fidelity?i would have thought the guarantee would have been marriage..i guess i was wrong there is no excuse for infidelity. good luck to you

 

Oh Lord woman, give him a break. Maybe invest in a psychology class or two while you are at it. He IS breaking the cycle, every single day since all of this occured. Yeah, he hurt me. But ya know what..I could understand you slamming him if he was NOT doing the work that needs to be done to make sure nothing like this ever happens in our relationship again...but maybe you just can't understand that there ARE men out there who ARE willing to go through the process of disecting their past and learning from it so he does NOT keep recreating it in the future. Yeah, they are few and far between. In life, we sometimes have to work against behavior we are taught, from a very young age, and we have to learn that situations we were conditioned to accept, are not the right way. VERY few people have the capacity to learn all of this on there own. While he damn sure may NOT have understood it all before, I have watched the transformation since then, and I see a husband that has grown more than I could have imagined since then, with the help of his therapists and all of the talks and understanding we have gained from this.From all of this, and all that he is doing, every day.....THAT is my guarantee of his fideltiy....

 

well miss perfect with all the answers. so combative and easy to judge. don't cast stones in glass houses. how many people did you lie to and/or hurt because some addiction? i suppose it is hard to trust anyone if you can't trust yourself? you don't have a clue except resentment. leave me the hell alone already. i'm sick of your posts.

 

IN CASE YOU FORGOT THIS IS A FREE SPEECH FORUM.....if you don't like my posts then do not read them or respond..and secondly did it ever occur to you that maybe i have issues with cheating and could use some convincing ????no instead you two holier than thou idiots keep talking the same shit....."he is working towards his blah blah blah" and "i love my wife more now because blah blah blah"you are so fuckin quick to defend yourselves and claim that you are some psycologist how ever never in you r resoponses to you offer some sound advice as to why i have issues on infidels...instead you chose to call me bitter and this and that. never did i once say i was perfect .aparantly you two think you are perfect because you chose to work through your secret misery's. and for your poor repenting husband , not everyone has with or without addictons hurt their spouses,so stop trying to put me in the same category as you.and everyone knows that when you have an addiction there is always the possibility of a relapse.......so good luck with your GUARANTEE.....

 

well, not everyone who cheats does it again. for your information, my wife is well versed in psychology and her degrees in the field prove thus. there has been plenty of sound advice. while we have been trying to provide at least our specific scenario, you have taken it upon yourself to bash us at every turn when we are simply trying to shed a little bit of light on this womans situation. there are over 6 billion people in this world and you claim to know how everyone will react in certain situations and i am afraid that is just not so. you are here to argue, we are merely here to help.

 

Just relax ...

Who are we to really know another's intent - theirs might be to help as well - even if they may come across bashing ... and vice versa - to argue, usually it needs more than one.

Maybe you wanna use the ignore function ?

 

You have issues with infidelity for sure, but you have chosen your side, and you cannot seem to see that there is any other possibiltiy but the way you see it. I am not trying to defend ALL cheaters, and I have said that before. There are the "serial cheaters" who do it for FUN....they enjoy the chase, it's a game to them, it strokes their ego's. A person like that, seldom changes. They will always find a way to place blame on the other person in the relationship...they were driven to it, when in fact,they had little desire to keep it in their pants in the first place. People like that, are not worth investing time in.
Neither my husband OR I are "holier than thou" in what we are trying to say here. We are simply trying to relate OUR situation in an attempt to help someone who asked for help. You have slammed us whenever you can, but you have not offered any reason as to why you feel so vehemently that ALL individuals who cheat are beyond any sort of ability to change their behavior. From an addiction perspective, you should understand that nobody can change unless they WANT to change....and that is true of altering ANY behavior pattern. I do not feel that someone should be criticized repeatedly when they WANT to change, and are doing the work to make it so. THAT is my problem with your stance on this.

 

wow. all the best of luck. I don't know why my ex's cheated on me. I think just to be players and look cool or whatever, this was back when I was a teen. but it sounds like you have really thought about this and are trying to break old patterns. I hope it works out for ya'll.

 

you know people do fucking change whether anyone believes it or not. and if your husband cheated on you there was probably a good reason for it cause good men just don't go out and cheat for no reason what so- ever. In the case of my parents my mom is a super bitch to my step dad and therefore he pushes her away so maybe you should take a minute to think about what would make him want to cheat on you in the first place.

 

my very first post answered the op questions in my own opinion and from my own experiences.....and perspectives..even saying good luck and to keep her guard up.your sweet little husbands response to my post was "wow and you aren't even a child" and your response to that same post of mine was" wow if only life and love were as black and white as you seem to think it is" and how i let paranoia control my very being......you say that i am the one that has been combative, and argumentative and that you have tried to help me....maybe you should read people's post before you try to play psychaitrist. you and your cheating husband have been the ones being argumentative in trying to believe that he will never cheat on you again...and once again if you don't like what i write then block my posts....and usually forums consist of people with varying opinions and perspectives whether from personl experience or statistically speaking, so don't be so surprised when we don't agree with your almighty opinions...........and if your such the therapist you went about handleing me all wrong sweetie, maybe you should take a psychiatric course or two....

 

wow...you are amusing.....

 

i only became argumentative after my first post which clearly stated how i felt about her situation.the whole time reitterating how she should keep her guard up but that i wished her luck in her descision and dark hippy responded with "wow and your not even a kid" then tarnished whatever responded with "wow if only life were that black and white as i seem to think it is"and that i was letting paranoia lead my life...if you are so knowledgeable in psychaiatry how can you explain why you and your cheating husband attacked me from the get go.so now go back and read the posts oh knowledgable one.i think it is you who needs to take one or two classes on psycology..

 

tarnished/dark hippy

i'm glad that you managed to work through this, just wondering how long it took till you got back to the norm? it's been about 8 or 9 months since this happened and things are getting better but still got a bit of niggly feeling in the back of my head.

 

it was almost immediate. as long as i was willing to go through with what her wishes and make a real effort then she would not hound me about it. of course there are probably questions in the back of her mind and anytime she wishes to express her concerns then she does and i am more then happy to oblige.

 

I dont' think it would have happened quite so quickly or easily if there had not been immediate consequences and immediate results for me. Seriously, the day I found out, I got in on a conference call with his therapist, and told him exactly what I expected, and his therapist was very helpful in explaining things to him. The very next day, he was at our doc getting tested...and the very next week he was on his meds that he had been avoiding taking. Coupled with all of that, we spent MANY evenings and time while i was at work Im'ing and allowing me to vent, question, cry, whatever i needed to do. There were a couple nights when I woke him up in the middle of the night (and he has to work at 3am) just to ask him something.
I still have moments when i need reassurance, or I need to ask him a question, but the ability to communicate is there, and he has never once made me feel bad, or crazy or anything else for needing these things.
Maybe you need to sit down and have another talk, and tell him what you are feeling, and tell him what you need from him to help you get thru this. One big mistake i have made before is expecting him to read my mind and know what im thinking or feeling. It's so much less complicated when I put it all right out there..sure sometimes its scary...but for me, the more honest and upfront I can be about my needs and wants and concerns, the more productive we have been in dealing with this. It is NOT an easy road, but it DOES get easier if you are both working toward the same goal. Hope this helps!!

 

thats awesome. alot of men don't understand when women are hurt, we tend to want to EXPRESS our emotions, rather than try to apply an immediate solution. He just let you vent it out at times.

I'm trying to teach my man that . Sometimes I just need a good cry