Horrific memories ruining my life

Hey there, i was wondering if anyone could help me

Im now in an extremely happy relationship and have been so for nearly 2 years now. Were engaged to be married, everything with us is great...But when we first met i had just come out of a very, very different relationship

To put it most simply i was forced to move abroad and was abused in many ways. The man i was with had some very, very deep mental problems linking to sex, and i found the most disturbing images imaginable on his computer. My ordeals with the man lasted about 8 months

My problem is that after the relationship, i was surprisingly ok. I was nursed back to health by my fiancé (and also had counselling), and weve spent 2 great years together. Inexplicably in the last few months, however, these memories have been creeping back. The images. Images of things that happened to me, the things i saw. They wake me in the night, they rush through my head, i cannot get rid of them and its ruining things at the moment

Theres no reason for them to come back now. I dont want to go through counselling again. Is there anything at all i can do to help myself, to get rid of them?

Thank you everso much

 

A big problem for me i think is that i also went to the police after id broken free of him and told them everything. I gave solid evidence to back up my story, CD's, video recordings. Yet nothing was done. Nothing at all

I know extremely vulnerable people are at risk because this man is still free. That is a huge concern for me. But the police will do nothing

Thanx

 

Being future oriented requires one to accept what cannot now be changed, and to move onward into a better future.

 

Just pretend it was all a dream, a horrow show. Some people are messed but thats a few from the rest. The important thing is you've moved on indeed. Cops dont understand the rare engagments between good and bad, and you've seen if first hand. Youve made it and will continue to make it, however for the "Vulnrable" people... Honestly there is nothing YOU can really do, in regular society. Maybe 1 on 1 secretly with future victims. But people live, people die, it happens somehow. Society has done miracles far to much, yet to few in my concern. There is laws, that lable people for the evil that they they may posess, i predict in europe too. But Its nothing to take lightly, or heavily, but if dangers is present, take action, what ever that might be.

 

wow, I'm sorry to hear about that but I'm glad you where strong enough to make it out of there. Your amazing. I dont know what to do about you situation, and Im really sorry because I wish I knew. My advice to you if you cannot stop having these dreams and such that you should go back to counseling. I wish you the best with your fiance

 

i rekon you should have some mdma therapy

 

Fuckin A

we live to be numb these days

go for it

 

You should look around for a support group of women who have gone through the same thing. You need to network with those who have had similar experiences.

As the old saying goes, "If you think you've got problems, just look at some one else's"

You should probably stay away from drugs as this can sometimes amplify the problem rather than treat it.

Don't worry about your old boyfriend. Such people are their own end sooner or later.

Look out for #1. You're young. Don't let this one bad apple spoil the rest of your life.



x

 

Yes there is.

 

a professor of mine said a good therapy for abused kids is to write what happened and read it or say it over and over and over and over and over again until it no longer bothers them. it's about confronting and accepting what happened and not trying to run away from it. although knowing the guy is still out there is pretty fucking shitty. do you know why the police wont do anything?

 

^well they're the police, why would they?



i'm really curious what you found on his computer, although if you'd rather not talk about it i understand

 

verseau, i'm really to sorry to hear about your experience.

there was really bad things going on with my ex and I as well. though maybe not to the extent you experienced yourself, but well i'm only assuming what some of the images and things you found on your ex's computer were, and i have a feeling it couldn't be too far off from the horrible things i knew my ex tended to 'collect'.

it is a horrible feeling to be trapped in a situation like that. it surprises me a bit that it has taken 2 years really for you to feel like the echoes of your past are still there. for myself, i really lived in dread/fear for several years. i was very mis-trustful of my current husband who is the primary person that has helped me heal from my last relationship. anytime he'd go online (as my ex used to frequently try to 'cheat' and swap pics online) i'd become very paranoid and have to ask him every couple of seconds what he was doing.

my current hubby would never do anything like my ex. he continuously used to tell me 'you have to remember i'm not him'.

it was a hard battle, and through the help of my husband, therapy, and just trying to sort through all the pain of all that myself, i've come to a point where i tend to never think about it anymore.

there was a time i loved my ex, or at least i felt like i was truly in love with him, and sometimes i wonder what he's up to himself and if he ever got help that i knew he needed. but that's as far as it goes. i would never try to contact him as i still tend to occasionally have nightmares that he shows up in. but in day to day life he's no longer a problem and i've finally been able to move on.

 

wow you know what, these forums are full of bad advice? drugs that erase memory? mdma therapy!? thats not good.... first off, find a therapist or something... secondly dont let those asshole cops get away with letting that asshole go! you need closure, he needs justice, and society needs to be protected from him. find a lawyer.. press charges.. if the cops wont help.. sue the cops too! if that doesnt work, tell me where he lives and i'll go break his skull with a crowbar.... ok nevermind that last one.. but seriously.. although you do need to put the past behind you, you cant just let it go like it was nothing.. you need help and he needs to be locked up..

 

Thank you very, very much...everyone who has taken the time to reply to this post

Let me first apologise about not getting back to you...i was kindly reminded about this thread tonight and after re-reading it and doing some admitting to myself, i realise that what was written is still relevant to me and advice is still needed and most appreciated

Youre all very kind for taking the time

Ill let you know that since this post was written health problems of the physical kind have made me push these issues aside for a while, but it doesnt mean they have gone

Phoenix, your situation sounds very similar to mine and i believe you know something of what ive been through. Im really sorry to hear about what happened to you too. I know its horrible. The truth is, everything wasnt quite so rosey as i made out originally here. I didnt intentionally cover up that fact but now i look back im remembering when my fiancé and i first met and i wasnt right really all along, ever since these things took place

Ive had panic attacks, ive been scared to go out, ive been cynical...i had the same trust problem youve had with my fiancé. Like you had i was worried he wasnt genuine etc. I checked the computer every day. But he said what your husband said and thankfully i fully trust once again. But anyone but him and its a diff story

Anyway im rambling now. Basically i wanted to say all of this advice is really appreicated, as im still in need. I think finding a support group for victims is a great idea, and i may just do that, and may also reconsider the counselling route

THANK YOU

 

P.s-I also forgot to update you about the police situation...the ex phoned me a few months back, yelling down the phone saying he got 2 days behind bars (while being questioned)
He has been released now with a caution, i do believe

It nowhere near does his crimes justice

Oh and phoenix, i believed i loved him too. And sometimes i wish before i sleep that hes got the help, that people are no longer in danger and hes a decent man. But like you id never initiate contact, because its out of my hands now. I used to think it was my problem but it isnt
I think i know how you felt and im really sorry

 

Is there anything positive you can gain out of that experience? I know I wouldn't be the same person or be with my fiance if I hadn't had the bad experiences I had. I also was lucky enough to have been given some time on my own before he and I started dating where I was able to deal with the event and see that it had made me stronger. Also, just talking to others with bad experiences helped me and made me realize I wasn't dirty or at fault.

 

That was the kind of exposure therapy I participated in. My therapist taped me recounting the event and then played it over to me every session. It helped a lot.

 

I had a whole different situation happen to me that was life-long for 17 years and I never thought I'd be ok from it. I got over everything one summer when I discovered myself.

I had the memories come back to haunt me about a year ago and I slipped into a deadly state of depression. I stayed home day after day-not wanting to see or deal with anyone. Until I thought about who I was and who I became due to my tragic past. It lifted my spirits and I slowly picked up the pieces again.

The main point is appreciating your life as it is now...do what makes you the most happy and write about it

 

Man, that is a difficult thing to read about. I really agree with the people who have advised not fleeing from the images, but instead acknowledging them. I was DEEPLY SCARRED by some movies I saw as a kid (I know that sounds so trivial, but I'm talking scared to go to sleep for years kind of thing), and it took quite a while for the images and thoughts to go away, but after thinking about them literally millions of times, eventually you just don't care anymore. I still think about what scared me sometimes, but it doesn't bother me, because I know I have moved on. Now when one of those thoughts come up, I just think, "Oh yes, I remember you, but this is beating a dead horse... moving on" and it's no problem. I don't even have to actively think about moving on, it just happens naturally because I finally gave in and let the fears take over, and then they just went away.

What you have to understand is that it is thinking about the bad things that is making you unhappy, not the bad things themselves, because the bad things are in the past and with any luck should never return. If you have sufficiently dealt with the events, images, etc., then eventually, in time, you will be able to simply ignore the thoughts. As soon as one pops into your head, you will just acknowledge it, perhaps laugh at it, and it will be gone just as quickly as it came, because you will finally realize that no amount of thinking about it will ever do anything except make you miserable, and then it just because silly to give those thoughts the time of day.

 

Flashbacks are inevitable when you've suffered a trauma. I mean, it's been 17 years since I was last molested, but I still get flashbacks now and then. I know that it's something I'll deal with for the rest of my life, but I've come to make my peace with it, and I feel I've become a stronger person for enduring the things that happened. It's important to get out of victim mode, and into survivor mode. Take back the power from him that he had over you. That means, you do what you have to to not protect him, his name, his crimes... find a way to get past the police that you took this info to. If it involves anything that deals with child pornography, I think that's supposed to be handled at state level, not locally.