I'm ok with husand loving another woman

you would remember your vows....how about his vows?????it is a proven fact that once a cheater always a cheater....when someone cheats and the other forgives and understands and keeps the cheater around it is a n invitaiton for the cheater to cheat again...the way you are treated by anyone whether bad or good is becausse you let them treat you that way..how can anyone in a loving relatonship honestly say they are happy when the other strays????sounds absurd to me...

 

And what sounds absurd to you might not be absurd to someone else. That's the beauty of this thing called life. Everyone that you meet is different, has different views, and is willing to work through/out different things. We can all learn from each other and agree to disagree. No one here is wrong about what they believe, and I hope that no one feels like I'm putting them down for their opinions/beliefs, because that is simply not the case. I totally respect everything that everyone is saying here, and just adding my 2 cents.

Also, I don't believe that an abuse of trust can be overcome by simply turning the other cheek. I think that it would take an immense amount of patience and time to get back to a place where the relationship is solid again. I also think that some people are serial cheaters, while others get caught up in something that they never would have done under different circumstances, and are deeply remorseful. It's all about the difference in every person.

 

so open and honest, anything can work? how about this "hi honey listen i love you and i just want to be honest but i am going to go downtown buy a bunch of crack with all of our bill money and fuck someother crack head, you're ok with that right?at least i'm being honest and i love you ."being honest isn't always rainbows and butterflies,honesty like that can kill someone's soul.if you enter a monogomous relationship and you can't be monogomous then get out of it.don't expect the other to conform to your deceitful ways.

 

he did leave her for another woman.... he cheated... she forgave...he continues his relationship with her and the other woman...duh

 

Mlee,
you can say what you want-this is what this forum is about, but you have no idea what we have been thru, and no, once a cheater always a cheater, is not a fact.
And Deedra is right, there are some that will cheat over and over, but some do get caught up in what starts out as a friendship. I'm not here to debate if what I am doing is right or wrong. I'm just telling you like it is.

 

The definition of leave is "not with the person anymore"..."DUH"

I can see this has blown your mind, you read something on the internet that someone else did that doesn't even concern you, and now you sit frothing

I will leave everyone to there oversimplifications and false sweeping rules now

 

One more thing, my husband did not leave me. A person cannot be everything to one. My husband did not stop loving me, he talked about me with the other woman, told her that he loved me, I have talked to her. They both are sorry for hurting me.
He found another best friend who has different thoughts, gives him a different perspective on things.

 

Many long term relationships and marriages survive infidelity. One partner cheats, feels aweful and then lies. Yes the act violates trust and the relationship is rocky in the repair, but being married you have committed your life to that person for better or worse, through the good times and the bad. In caterpillars's case it appears that the relationship with the other woman continues and if she is OK with that then thats her call. To ditch a 20 year marriage because one partner screwed up to me is also not living up to your vows. No it is not true that anyone who cheated will alway cheat. Yes there are repeat cheaters, but in most cases of infidelity the offender is hugely distressed by what they did. People screw up and much of the time deserve forgiveness.

 

i guess we all have our own definition of love...apparantly i am asking too much of my spouse to stay faithful..i respect that you stood your ground and you continue to defend yourself for your relationships.i have the most loving realtionship with my bf of 7 years and although neithre one of us is perfect if he were to "cheat" or "fall in love " with another i would NOT TOLERATE IT. and just like you can accept that your spouse will change and do better by you i cannot accept infidelity.period.....

 

and just so that everyone is clear I HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON so stop saying i have no idea what you have been through....i was "in love for 9 fuckin years with a guy whomi worshiped and the whole time w/out my knowledge he was out cheating left and right.i found out after 9 years , while i was visiting family he got some woman pregnant and married her!so yes i do know what it feels like to be betrayed.now my ex is alone and miserable and is diligently trying to get me back and you know what i say??no thank you because i don't want to put myself in that kind of situation again...why is it so hard to be faithful to someone you claim to love ...peopel say well at least he owned up to it but you know what he could have owned up to it before he cheated and been honest and said i am interested in someone else and break up.that is my opinion like it or not

 

I mean no disrespect to you Bella, but I think one of the differences here is age and maturity.
40 vs. 25
And Caterpillar has seen more, done more, lived more at 40 than you could have at 25. Besides having an affair isn't always about not loving someone any longer. Many times it is just about wanting to he appreciated, held, loved or related to on a deeper level.
Neither you nor I was there to see what lead up to his infadelity, so you seem to be quick to genreralize all people who have an extra marital affair.
Just the way I see it, from the point of view of a 47 year old man who has beem married for 27 years, and no, I have not had an extra marital affair.

 

Oh, and yes it is possible to love more than one person at a time.
Most men, and many women will admit to this.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Marriage is something that is not to be entered into lightly. If you are not truly not willing to work out problems that may or may not come up, then you shouldn't get married. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend is not even close to the same thing as having a spouse. Making the ultimate committment of marriage is something to be taken very seriously in my opinion. The divorce rate in this country is astronomically high because people get married with this notion that they're going to have a fairytale life, and run to sign divorce papers when this turns out not to be true. Marriage is work - plain and simple. And all humans are fallable, no one can be perfect. Sure, one screw up might not be as bad as another screw up, but in the end you need to work through these problems. I took my marriage vows extremely seriously and I would do anything that I could to preserve my marriage should I be put into a similar situation. I don't think that all people who cheat do so for the express purpose of hurting the other person. People are attracted to others for various reasons, and many affairs start as friendships with no intent of it ever crossing the line. Once you have agreed to share your life with someone, you can't just back out because you get angry. You need to at least put all of your effort in to trying to fix things.

 

Deedra seems to get this whole picture. When I first found out of my husbands affair I was completely crushed. I couldn't eat, sleep or even think straight. We went thru some really hard times. We fought so much that I don't think I have any anger left in me. We turned into people that we weren't. Things were said and done that 2 years ago I didn't think we would make it. We went to counciling and learned to how communicate with each other. Even though we had a good marriage and thought we were talking, we weren't. This communication brought back the trust that I had lost in him. We have become so close that we know every little bit of each other and are finding out more everyday. For being married for 20 years, we are closer to each other than we have ever been. It is like falling in love all over again, but in a deeper more mature love. Right now I am thinking how much I love this man. This is who I am to be with. Am I jealous of this other person in his life? I was but because of how much we have grown there is nothing to be jealous of. She is who she is, I am who I am. We are different and that is what my husband likes. She isn't better just different. At first I was confused at all these feelings, why on earth would I want this? I asked myself that a million times. I have no answer, it just feels right.

 

Mlee,
I was going to ask-why are you so upset by all of this? It seems like every response you send you are getting more upset. I didn't come here to argue about this and I am sorry that you were cheated on. I do know the pain that comes with it and have faced it head on but you can't judge everyone else's situation as it were your own. Good outcomes do happen. I think if you love your partner enough, you will try everything you can to make it work.

 

Well, if someone is honest, you can accept it, or not accept it...no one has to get angry...you're allowed to disagree with a persons actions, but it doesn't mean it's the end of a relationship. Lying, to me, is the end of a relationship.

Honesty can kill someone's soul? Are you saying you would RATHER be lied to? Wow...I'd rather someone be up front...then have a discussion about why I might disagree with it...and both of you can THEN decide whether you should stick together or not...lying, like I said...is MUCH worse for a relationship.

 

I could tell that after reading your first post. You have so much anger about what happened to you that you can't understand that it is forgiveable. I have been cheated on I forgave the man who did it. I am not with him any more but we are friends. Ya at the time it sucked but I also knew that it had nothing to do with me. Most of the time when someone cheats it has nothing to do with the person that they are in a relationship with. I hope you will someday find a way to forgive and loose all the anger.

 

I think lying is what bothered me the most but I kept checking up on what he said and he hasn't lied to me since. He knows how much he has hurt me and really is doing everything he can to do the right things now.

 

why is it arguing because i don't agree with you???i'm not mad at any body here i'm not angry , i don't know any of you so none of you could ever get me angry. i am expressing my views like the rest of you, you just don't like what i say...this is a forum.....where people express themselves.....why is everyone on here so afraid of a debate?????

 

I guess it is because it comes across sometimes that you are yelling. I guess I figure my life isn't a debate with anyone. I like the fact that I can come here and say whatever I want because, you are right, no one knows me.