Sexual abuse never really addressed...

I really could use some help. I was sexually abused by my mother when I was younger, it's hard to write about, and a lot of my memories of it are hazy to say the least. I know she showed my cousin and I my father's stash of pornography. She also relied on me for personal support that I was not capable of giving at 5, 6, or 7 years of age. For instance, she told me about all my father's affairs he had with other women, and basically would tell me how he expected sex of her, and when they would have sex she'd tell me and I'd be left alone downstairs. Somehow, although my father and I have our own share of issues, I don't think he was super aware of this. More like, I think he maybe turned a blind eye to it, the way you hear of mother's who ignore their spouses abuses. My father would be on call for work and my mom would let me watch pay per video's on the porn channels. Surely my dad must have been getting the bill.

There are other things too, for instance when I was very young I was at a carnival with my father and his friend. I remember being alone and afraid and asking his friend where my dad had went. He sort of laughed and told me he'd be back. Later my mom told me he was with a woman in the parking lot.

I get so angry, it's not healthy. I can not have healthy relationships, although I have a very clear view of what is healthy. I do not seek out abuse, it's the other way. I am very mean, and aggressive. I do not mean to be, I have clarity when I do it. But I can't stop. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism, or if I'm just bitter. I think it's both.

My grandfather raised me for the most part. I don't think I was ever abused by him, but I know he tried to have an affair with my mother. This was after he had a stroke and was wheelchair bound and dying of prostate cancer. My mother of course told me about everything in detail, that he would tell her he was sorry he *couldn't do anything* right now, but he'd hold her.

Well I have a hard time putting my grandfather, the only adult I was around who didn't directly abuse me, with someone trying to sleep with my mom. It's tough.

I know my mom was probably sexually abused.

I know my dad was raised by a mentally unstable woman with anger problems and an alcoholic father who had affairs.

I know my uncle (dad's brother) commited suicide after years of drinking and drug problems.

To say the least my family is full of demons, down the line. A line of skeletons in their closests, of emptyness in their souls.

I can't find where I am in this. I love my parents, we have a somewhat normal relationship, considering all.

I have learned so much from my abuses, it's led me on a path that I am grateful for. But those are small things, really. I would trade anything for a happy childhood, for security.

I just don't know where to go now. I went to therapy when I was fifteen and was diagnosed as dsythemic. I doubt I am, really. I think I am borderline personality and I would say aspergers except I think those traits are a result of the abuse rather than a disorder.

I am not opposed to going to therapy again, except I am on my father's insurance and I don't want him to know I'm struggling with this. I swear, it's blanked out of my parents mind. It never happened.

Also, my mother works with mentally retarded adults. Now, I am not intentionally trying to protect my abuser but I think my mom was in an especially dark place dealing with her own abuses at the time. I don't think she would sexually molest or abuse anyone at this point in time.

However, would going to therapy effect her job? Especially since all the therapists around here work through the same place she does. I would have to pay out of pocket for an independent therapist. And even then, if I tell the truth, will my mom be fired? She's already in debt, she can't afford to be fired.

I just wish.. I wish I could change it all. It's such a heavy load. I'm tired of being angry. I really am.

 

high five for our parents being fucked up....
I know what u mean about the anger

sorry I cant add anything valuable to your thread....

Im not sure why I even read past the first sentence....
yay for shitty memories and fucked up children.

good luck.

 

It's okay. I hope I don't sound.. whiney with all this. I really don't.

I know people are probably going.. ahh she wasn't REALLY molested, plus it was by a woman.

I know people feel that way, like I'm not entitled to my pain.

I love my mama and my papa, but people do even when they beat the shit out of them (somehow, I can say with some sort of pride, I was never beat?)..

Really though, I sometimes feel there is more. Like glimpses, where they dreams? who the fuck knows. I sure don't. Not sure I want to. Maybe.

I wish it wasn't all about sex when I were younger. God, by the end of it I think I asked for it. You know? I want to see the porn. I don't remember how it started, I just remember that by some point, I maybe even liked it.

But god how strange it is for that elephant to be in the room. I'm 21 years old. I feel so old. I feel like I am infant. I feel like I'm both, half assed put together to form some one no one can understand. Or they're too afraid to.

But you know, I feel like somehow I have an okay grasp on life. I am not a cutter, I've never truely attempted suicide. I never say say I wish I could die. Instead I say I wish I had never been born. See the difference? Oh I understand cutting too, I do I do I do. I did it a few times, but it's real easy to get addicted to. You know all that anger, it feels like it pushes your skin taunt. You just need to free it, somehow. Better to break some plates or throw some paint down and see what comes out. Or write.

I am blessed with close friends though I do not have the luxery of talking about this. Instead it's all about why I am so mean to my mama. I say you don't understand.

I don't like being mean. I really don't. In my soul, I'm a kind person. I want to love everyone.

For a while I thought I could heal the world by loving everyone else but I got so broken in the process I had to take a few years off from loving to heal myself.

Usually it's not so bad. Triggers. And when people who I think understand prove they don't. I should have learned, I should have, not to expect them to.

This is not the place for this, is it? I just had to write it.

 

It would be a good idea for you to see a therapist again and you don't have to tell your dad why unless you want to. If you want your mom to go with you it will in no way cause her any problems at work. If you want to know more pm me and I can give you some info.

 

Thanks. I know this is going to sound fucked to hell, but my family is nothing like what it sounds, whatever that means.

My dad is pretty wealthy, and very upstanding in the community, well respected, so freaking normal and white bread its insane. He does everything right. Lives in a real nice house with a lot of land.

My mom left him when I was 8 and has been in debt since, although she makes good money at her job she just racked up credit debt upon divorce.

I just feel like when I explain this people might be envisioning my family as having mullets and living in a trailer park. I mean, I know that says something unpleasant about me if I feel it means that, but it just makes me wonder all the more what secrets reside behind the wealthy, upstanding families of the world. A bit David Lynch-ian perhaps, the underbelly of picket-fence America.

Mods - If you feel this is more appropiate in True Confessions than here feel free to move it. I just honestly feel that as a woman my issues of sexual abuse by my mother is very different than it would be say if a man were molested by his mother, which would be a whole different set of issues I would not understand as a woman.

 

I was molested by a fat older woman once.
I think its just as common for men and women to abuse their children, I saw a documentary called "the last tabu". It was about women abusing their children.

One girl told her father, he divorced the mother. But nobody belived him, she still had to live with the mother and get abused cause the world is filled with people like you.

Ever heard of NAMBLA? Well evereyone have since its an organization for male pedophiles! But what about, http://www.bkgirls.net/

Thats for female pedophiles but I guess you never heard of it. Cause women are the victims and not the offendors right?
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To the OP, I was abused by my steph father but not sexually. He used to hit me a lot with many diffrent things, he was from the UK, He came to Sweden cause it needed miners. And he was a heavy drinker.

I remember him slaping me during dinner and waiting for me to do something wrong like playing with my food, and then he would punish me.

 

I think you misunderstood, I was the OP... I was saying what other people would assume. I know that the fact it was by a woman means nothing, it doesn't mean my pain is less justified or that I should have any fewer issues over it. People just don't understand the fact that it was my mother changes so much about it, makes it so different, but certainly not less than if it were my father or a male relative or stranger.

Sorry you misunderstood me, perhaps it was a language barrier since you mention you're swedish.

 

Idk why anyone would this kind of thing happens way too much everywhere...

but you seem to have handled it much better than I ever will
I envy you when you explain how you forgive ur parents and still love em

Idk if that will ever be the case with me and I honestly cant really see it happening...

 

Hey Skratch, I'm sorry to hear about your past as no one deserves this. I wish I could say I have totally forgiven my parents. I do indeed love them, I think my past has actually made me too attached to my mother. Sometimes I feel like her parent, I guess that stems from me being her support. When I was younger I was real mean to her, I treated her like total shit. Told myself she deserved it. I don't know. I'm not particularly religious, but I am a quaker and I guess I just feel we all have inner goodness. I think somewhere, way down the line, someone fucked up and it just keeps going and going and going unstoppable (though, not really, perhaps we are given clarity to change that). I don't think people *mean* to hurt others, I think they must have been hurt somehow to be so broken. So I forgive my mother because I know my pain mirrors her own. That's all I can say, really. It's not easy, for damn sure, but hating someone doesn't fix it. Having as normal a relationship as possible is more fulfulling, though sometimes I wish I could effectively distance myself.