That's right. After years and years of being the nice guy, taking people's shit and never saying anything back, having absolutely no self esteem about myself and even wanting to die at times like these, I am fucking fed up. COMPLETELY fucking fed up. I no longer blame religion, my family, or any other fucked up source of misleading information I've come across in my childhood for these feelings. As a matter of fact, I think I'm ready to come to terms with them. I think deep inside, I know just who to blame; Myself. Me, for never standing up for who I was. Me, for always playing the nice guy and always ending up hurting myself over somebody else. Me for always telling myself that I'm the lesser being, and never seeing us as equals. Me for never standing my ground. The more and more I bottle myself up, the more sad I feel inside. Years go by and sadness turns into anger, and anger turns into pain. And to think: None of this even has to be this way. I can't even look myself in the eyes. I am my own victim, I am the criminal. I'm the one I'm so afraid of. Honestly, I am paranoid of confrontation. I'm terrified of being 'revealed', and now I know why; I'm afraid that somebody could reveal something to me about myself that would make me never be able to love myself again. In turn I'm really not afraid of somebody else doing so, but rather myself. You know what? This is fucking absurd. As of RIGHT NOW, weather I'm proven wrong, talked down to, insulted, lifted up, embraced, loved, hated... no matter what the case, from this day forward I am going to fucking ACCEPT MYSELF for who I am. Nothing less, nothing more. Fuck the haters.
Well this may not help whatsoever, but I find it a reasonable thing not to take that kind of stuff personally, even if it comes from yourself. I never even thought it possible to be able to do that, but it seems one day when people started to mess with me I just didn't feel anything. I used to get all depressed and started to hate myself but now it just doesn't seem to effect me. Maybe you could try it. I mean if someone says or does something bad to you it is more about them than you. It's about their problems. Maybe they just had a crappy day. Anyway hope this helps somewhat.
think you have came to term with stuff Steal my sunshine also you might have made a big step in becoming a men..............very cool accept yourself for who you really are inside
Thanks guys. Seems like you have a cool forum here . Even if my first post was just a rant... To On the schiz: You're definitely right. The weird part about my situation though is that it led me to be more secluded, and close myself off to positive emotions/encounters, even though I absorbed the negative ones like a sponge! Now I guess I finally feel OK about things. I can finally just let it go. In a sense, I'm just "Getting over myself", even though it feels like much more than that. Something about all this has left me feeling so relieved and spiritually balanced... I hope it stays!
Glad you feel better but some people are jerks - dont let it get to you but maybe find out why they did that to you. They might be insecure etc or maybe theyre just plonkers... Dont be a dick. Please. See ya
