Need help with two boys who don't listen!!!

I have two boys, 5 andd 4. Here is the back ground. I was married to their biological father and raised them for five years around him. He was a very disrespectful and abusive man to me and had absolutely no desire to be a father to his children. He has beat me and mistreated me in front of both of the boys. I have since gotten divorced from him and I am getting ready to get married to my best friend of 9 years who is more than willing to step up and be a father to my boys. There are a lot of problems that we are both trying to over come in ourselves when it comes to the boys, but our bigest problem is the boys' lack of respect for me and absolute refusal to listen and do as they are told. They talk back, and yell at me, like their bio father used to. It's hard for me because when I look at them when they are misbehaving, I see thier biological father coming out in them, as well as With my fiance. He sees him as well. We both hate the biological father, but we are supportive to the boys when it comes to their father. We don't talk bad about him around the kids or even where they can hear us talk. When/if their father calls to talk to the boys we let them with no problems, we are also both very civil to their father when he calls, and I do my damndest not to argue with him on the phone.
My fiance and I have been working with the boys for as long as we've been together. We've explained to them whats going on, why their mommy and daddy got a divorce, (not putting blame on their father). We've tried showing them how a loving family really looks like and how they should act. We try to stay patient with them to the best of our ability. My fiance has tried repeatedly to show by example what it means to respect a woman, by treating me with respect and showing how much he loves me, But it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. The boys love their soon to be step father, but they just don't listen. We've grounded them, we've spanked their bottoms, we've tried time outs, and every other sort of safe disapline we could think of. Nothing works. Can anyone give us some advice?

Thanks

 

How about trying a reinforcement program that rewards their good behavior? I feel if adults always punish bad behaviors, then the child never knows that some of his/her behaviors are appropriate. If the behaviors are frequent, then I'd suggest setting the interval to an hour. Make sure you define what is and is not appropriate behavior. Make sure you set two behavioral charts (one for each or your children). If the child behaves appropriately within an hour, then he will get a sticker. If the child gets x amount of stickers in a day, then he will get a bigger reinforcer (trip somewhere special or a toy). If you do use punishment, then make sure it is individual and never ever use physical punishment of any kind! I use behavioral reinforcement programs at work all the time and they work amazingly! Good luck! Modifying behaviors is tough, but can be enjoyable if you do it right because you see tremendous progress!

 

They are young. How long have you been divorced? How long have you been with your fiance? How long have the 3 of you been living with the fiance?

Some kids need time to adjust to change. As with any form of disipline, it needs time to work. Your kids have been though a lot and probably just need some time to figure out what their roll in the whole thing is. Give them time and keep disiplining them when they step out of line.