ROOM 27 the mind blank the soul gone the doors barred closed behind room 27 the bath full the water cold the end of laughter in room 27 the dark maid buries the gold the mind blank the soul gone the experience dead inside room 27 the carpet stained the air still the purple fades to blackened haze room 27 the dark maid buries the gold the mind blank the soul gone the big brother lifeless in room 27 the clothes disgarded the bed empty the piece of heart taken far from room 27 the dark maid buries the gold greedy for more... please tell me what you think. peace
I think I've seen that room before, at 3:00 in the morning. You reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk's work.
I am glad you liked it. My poem is regrettably cryptic. In fact I wrote an epitaph of sorts. Allow me to ellaborate: The first two stanzas are refering to Jim Morrison The forth and fifth Jimi Hendrix The seventh and eighth Janis Joplin Room 27 refers to the age at which all three passed on The main stanzas kinda follow this formula: Line 1 and 2: state of person (dead) Line 3 and 4: state of band (dead) then in the next stanza Line 1 and 2: state of room or area in which the body was found Line 3 and 4: kind of a summary which includes Lyrics sung by disceased For example: in the first part about Jim Morrison I make referance to his lifeless satate in the forst two lines, then discuss his band the doors in the second part. As he was found dead in a bath tub I include the part about the water in lines 1 and 2 of the second stanza of the set. Finally concluding with the lyric "the end of laughter" from the doors song the end. Anyways my poem is far more rigidly, though subtly structured then it may appear at first glance. If you are familiar with these artists then suggest you reread the poem and maybe it will enhance its meaning.
Hey, great poem, liked how you structured it very much. Forgive, perhaps too many poetry workshops but I would remove most of the "the" words from it, except for "the" in front of dark maid. I would also drop both "in" and "inside" just before room 27 line... also, something about that last line seems like it could be better but I don't reall have an idea... I thought about that one being the only one to put "greedy" after dark to make it "the dark greedy maid" but that didn't seem right either. Thanks for sharing, very nice work. Keep it up. Like all feedback, always take it with a grain of salt... not all feedback is good feedback. Take only what feels right to you.
