Room 27

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Captain Psychonaut, Aug 19, 2007.

  1. Captain Psychonaut

    Captain Psychonaut Member

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    ROOM 27

    the mind blank
    the soul gone
    the doors barred
    closed behind
    room 27

    the bath full
    the water cold
    the end of
    laughter in
    room 27

    the dark maid
    buries the gold

    the mind blank
    the soul gone
    the experience
    dead inside
    room 27

    the carpet stained
    the air still
    the purple fades
    to blackened haze
    room 27

    the dark maid
    buries the gold

    the mind blank
    the soul gone
    the big brother
    lifeless in
    room 27

    the clothes disgarded
    the bed empty
    the piece of heart
    taken far from
    room 27

    the dark maid
    buries the gold
    greedy for more...




    please tell me what you think. peace
     
  2. Malapascua

    Malapascua Member

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    Different.
    I like it.
     
  3. elayne

    elayne no longer available

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    I think I've seen that room before, at 3:00 in the morning. You reminded me of Chuck Palahniuk's work.
     
  4. Captain Psychonaut

    Captain Psychonaut Member

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    I am glad you liked it.

    My poem is regrettably cryptic. In fact I wrote an epitaph of sorts. Allow me to ellaborate:

    The first two stanzas are refering to Jim Morrison
    The forth and fifth Jimi Hendrix
    The seventh and eighth Janis Joplin

    Room 27 refers to the age at which all three passed on

    The main stanzas kinda follow this formula:

    Line 1 and 2: state of person (dead)
    Line 3 and 4: state of band (dead)
    then in the next stanza
    Line 1 and 2: state of room or area in which the body was found
    Line 3 and 4: kind of a summary which includes Lyrics sung by disceased

    For example: in the first part about Jim Morrison I make referance to his lifeless satate in the forst two lines, then discuss his band the doors in the second part. As he was found dead in a bath tub I include the part about the water in lines 1 and 2 of the second stanza of the set. Finally concluding with the lyric "the end of laughter" from the doors song the end.


    Anyways my poem is far more rigidly, though subtly structured then it may appear at first glance.

    If you are familiar with these artists then suggest you reread the poem and maybe it will enhance its meaning.
     
  5. ReadyForAction

    ReadyForAction Member

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    That's real good man, bravo! What analysis!
     
  6. Vetty214

    Vetty214 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    Hey, great poem, liked how you structured it very much. Forgive, perhaps too many poetry workshops but I would remove most of the "the" words from it, except for "the" in front of dark maid. I would also drop both "in" and "inside" just before room 27 line... also, something about that last line seems like it could be better but I don't reall have an idea... I thought about that one being the only one to put "greedy" after dark to make it "the dark greedy maid" but that didn't seem right either. Thanks for sharing, very nice work. Keep it up. Like all feedback, always take it with a grain of salt... not all feedback is good feedback. Take only what feels right to you.
     

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