We sped down the highway, crawling along the stretch of winding rode that curved its way through the mountain passes. The stars overhead seemed to grow larger and more numerouse with every mile that we put between us and the bright lights of Denver, until the mountains swallowed us and great black rolling hills climbed up into the atmosphere and formed canyons splattered with groves of pine trees and broken rock. Soon the only lights were those of passing cars from other travelers of the night and every few hundred feet an overhanging light designed to help insure the safety of midnight wanderers. The angry pounding of drums and rythmic tunes of Rise Againsts' song Life Less Frightening blared out of the speakers and the wind ripped and lashed at our faces. It was absolutely beautiful. A moment time to be remembered as blissful. But as we climbed higher and higher in altitude the air began to drop in temperature and soon it became too cold for our shabby hoodies to keep us comfortable. The windows were rolled up and the sound of the music mixed with the speeding tires became the only sounds we heard. A sign off to the right informed us that we were only a mile away from Silver Plume, our destination and where we hoped we would gain some long delayed thrills. We turned off onto the exit and immediately started searching for the ancient abandoned graveyard...rumored to be haunted. The first half hour of our journey was wasted...wandering through an old ghost town. Creepy though it may have been, we still had not found the old headstones that promised an unsettling fright. Instead we found houses, nestled in the mountains side, old and peeling some were, while others stood out as lovely jewls in the broken mountain town. White picket fences that leaned and groaned with the weight of the wind sent our nerves into spastic fits...but nothing of consequence really happened. Then over the screams and pounding drums that was Rise Against Shane shouted in an excited voice..."OVER HERE!!! ITS OVER HERE! I remember now!" We crept up the narrow winding dirt path with a growing fear in our hearts. The air around us became colder and colder with each inch along that road and the setting darker and darker. We reached a small dead end with a crumbling stone wall and steps. "This is it!" said Shane..."So are we getting out." Ginny, already looking frightful had sternly refused to leave the car, claiming that this place was occupied by evil haunts and that she wanted nothing to do with disturbing these ghosts. Loren was the first to leave the safety of the car, "Look at the stars!" she cried. I clambered out and when I looked into the night sky a spectacular view met my eyes... Millions upon millions of stars shown through the clouds and engulfing darkness that surrounded us. The sky was awe-inspiring and humbling all at once. Finally my curiosity got the best of me and I told Shane that I wanted to see the headstones. So Loren, Shane and I set off into the cold and darkness, with flashlights that flooded the night into the sacred secluded grounds. At first we set off up some weathered stone steps that lead into a little garden with probably 3 graves there. I tried to read the epitaph on one of the more beautifle headstones but over the many years some weeds had overtaken the memoriam and made deciphering the words impossible. Giving up on that message, we went back down the steps and on down the path. The darkness up ahead seemed both petfrifying and alluring at the same time. A few minutes later we came across an old rusted metal gate, Shane started to open the doors and as he did so a shiver went up my spine and seemed to freeze the air in my lungs. Something was angry. "NO!" Loren and I both wispered to Shane urgently..."we dont want to go in." So once again we set along the path. After peering into the dense forest around us and seeing a few more graves set away off in the distance, we came to a second gate. This one looked just as old, but also more intricate. On either side of the gate stood two statues of the virgin Mary, the first in tact... but some of her deatials had been worn away by weather and the second was completely intact exept for her bottom jaw, which had been broken off. On top of the gate stood a massive cusifix and on the front of the gate stood another. This gate didn't scare me nearyly as much as the other had, but to open it seemed like a great disrespect and desecration to the inhabitants behind it...so once again we left it untouched. In the distance we heard three short but urgent honks coming from Shane's car where we had left Ginny and Paul. We ran back up the path to see what they were calling us back for and when we got there they were fine, but shaken. Shane then asked Paul if he would like to walk down the pathe so he could see the graveyard while Loren and I sat with Ginny. The boys set off down the path and Loren and I clambered back into the car with Ginny. "What happened?" we asked her.. "Nothing", she replied, "But im starting to think that we should leave. She explained to us how Paul had felt hundreds of ghosts surrounding this area, most were benevolent...or at least minding their own business, but some were getting angry at our over drawn stay and had followed us up the path. Soon the air around us began to constrict again and I could feel the chill climbing up my spine. I started to shake and my breathing became heavy and raspy... Loren too had felt the change in atmasphere and we both expressed our wishes that the boys would soon come back. Then while Ginny and Loren sat lost in their own heads..looking out the window with large eyes in the hopes that flashlights would appear out of the dense trees, and overwhelming anger clouded my thoughts and I felt like something was closing in on me. Ginny turned to me and said..."I think they are getting angry that we havn't left yet" Loren and I both agreed so we called Shane and Paul and told them that we wanted to leave...NOW! A few minutes later we saw them briskley walking back up the path to us and they both got into the car as fast as they could. Shane started up the car and we headed back down the winding dirt road. When we reached the entrance to the road, where a few houses stood the air became considerably cooler and I felt a great deal happier than I had in the graveyard. Relieved even, to be away from a place full of death and mourning. We sped on to the highway and with every mile we put behind us, my mood changed and the sight of my front door and older brother, Casey never seemed so lovely. I was happy to be home, and alive...happy to still be above the ground, instead of 6 feet under with all those people lost to the centuries.
You write well, and the prose really moves in places... the opening paragraph is especially nice. There's also something of a story here-- I liked the fact that you never actually see the ghosts. It's like an almost-ghost story, which is an interesting idea... and I could relate to stopping at abandoned buildings and being creeped out... There are some spelling issues-- that's not such a big deal, though... it's good to use as many words as you can, spelling isn't so important. I guess the main issue I had with this was that you could take it a lot further... and make it subtler. Cut out some of the musings about respecting the dead and listening to music and all that and put in more of that description that you're obviously good at! And that last line is awful... I think you'd have a better ending without it. Also, you take a bit too long to get to the main part of your story. It would help to let the reader know a bit more about what they're reading right away-- saying a tiny bit about the graveyard and such would draw them in a bit more from the beginning. I like the buildup, as it adds to the tension and sets the mood... but including just a brief hint of where the story is going right off the bat would be nice! Still, it was a more interesting read than we usually get here on this site. Good work!
well thank you very much! im always interested in constructive criticism. Just FYI though, all of these events were true. I was trying to put the reader in my place as it actually happened. Thats where all the buildup and random information came from. But thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply! ~Jen
